Round Ten

Round Ten started yesterday.  We were sad to see round nine go because Trent had started to feel really good.  After last week's episode with the fainting and falling all over, we got a call on Tuesday from Katie at the Huntsman.  Trent needed blood in a bad way.  That was not really a surprise since he couldn't walk a straight line.  So we were in SLC at 7:00 am the next morning.  It took us SEVEN HOURS to get two units of blood!  We waited for a full two and a half hours before they even started the blood.   It was a long day but he improved almost immediately.  We spent the next night with our family at Temple Square.  We were quite a sight; me pushing Trent in a wheelchair, followed by Megan pushing  Jonathan in the stroller, followed by three more kids.  Craziness, but it was really fun.  Trent kept saying he felt so good that it was hard to believe he had cancer. 

We really lucked out with the timing of Trent's chemo.  The best three days of his cycle were just happened to fall on Christmas Eve, Christmas, and the day after.  So, on Christmas Eve, Trent got the itch to shop.  So Jarom and I took him to Walmart.  I was shopping a little ways away from Trent in his jazzy when a couple we do not know walked up and put $50 in Trent's hand.  He tried to give it back but they said that he looked like he could use it.  They explained that 10 years ago someone had helped their little family and this was their way to pay it forward.  I looked up and saw Trent crying and Jarom was motioning for me to come.  I ran over to Trent and he told me what had happened.  He turned around to show me who they were but they were gone.  We both just stood there in tears, once again, overwhelmed by the kindness and generosity of others.  We have been very blessed throughout this year and especially during the holidays by many, many people.  I am trying to keep track of all the tender mercies and anonymous acts of kindness shown to our family.  I really want to be able to remind my family how blessed we have been through our trial.  We have learned many lessons and continue to be humbled and taught each day.  We have been lifted and edified by the pure goodness of people; friends, family, and strangers alike.  I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who is mindful of our needs and has seen fit to bless us so willingly.  I truly believe that He knows how much we can handle and though we are facing a very difficult reality, we are being blessed beyond measure. 

Thank you all for your continued prayers and faith.  We are so grateful for all the kind words and support we receive from you all.  As our year comes to a close, we look back and see that though it has been our hardest year yet, it has been our best.  We wish you all the best that 2011 can bring.  Thank you for everything and love to you all!

Life Goes On

This round of chemo is now 2/3 over and it hasn't been too bad.  We were really expecting to be hit super hard after what the doctor said.  However, the first week was a little rocky and week two has been okay minus some stomach issues.  Trent's main complaint this week has been fatigue but that is an easy one to fix and not life threatening. When the home health nurse came yesterday all of Trent's vitals were looking pretty good.  His blood pressure was a little low but it always is.  We really noticed how low it was yesterday when Trent was trying to help Zach earn his Carpentry Merit Badge for Scouts.  He was trying to show Zach how to use the chop saw and he was falling all over the place!  I made him sit down and he kept falling onto the work bench and all over me.  I finally made him leave amid his protests.  Kind of scary to have him flopping all over the place and me trying to keep his hands and Zach's hands out of the saw!  We finally got him settled in bed and Zach and I finished a darn good step stool!

Last week Jonathan threw us for a loop when he shoved a popcorn seed up his nose.  He got it lodged up behind the second turbinate.  We tried everything to get it out; saline, crochet hooks, tweezers, and of course, blowing.  That kid blew snot all over all of us as many times as we asked him to but no popcorn seed ever emerged.  We had a nurse from our ward come over and she couldn't get it either.  So the next morning I took him to a family doctor in town.  He put a foley catheter up behind the popcorn seed and blew it up to get it to force out the seed.  Twice.  No luck.  Jonathan was crying and would not look at the doctor.  He said, "Doctor not fun!"  The doctor was nice enough not to charge me for the visit and then referred me to an ENT in Logan.  He told me Jonathan would have to be put under general anesthesia to have the seed removed.   Ugh.  Jonathan's insurance doesn't kick in until January 1.  I was not thrilled, but guess what?  LIFE GOES ON!  No matter what else is on my plate right now, Jonathan is still two and will do two year old things.  Zach needs help with projects, and Mallory wants to be read to, and so forth.  Life still happens to us and everyone else and we just have to keep dealing with it, hopefully with a smile on our faces. 

To continue the Jonathan saga....we starved him for the rest of the morning until the next doctor visit.  It was so sad.  Mallory was having her lunch before school and Jonathan was chasing her around trying to steal her food because we had not given him any.  He was so confused.  While waiting for the doctor he was begging for a drink. I gave in and gave him a little sip.  He was starting to get really agitated and I finally asked the nurse how long it was going to be.  She offered him things to color and I told her he was just hungry.  She was surprised when I told her we had been instructed not to feed him.  She said he was only getting loopy meds, not anesthesia and I was free to feed him.  Hallelujah!  She gave him a little candy bar and I had snacks in my purse-which are normally for Trent.  He horked those things down so fast it wasn't even funny!  Finally we saw the doctor and he was great.  Dr. Bennion at the Cache Valley Specialty Hospital-(shameless plug for an awesome doctor!) was so good with Jonathan.  He was very amused at the popcorn seed.  Said he had never removed one of those before.  Way to go Jonathan!  We like to keep them guessing don't we?!  We slipped over to the pharmacy to get Jonathan some Versed to make him loopy.  While we were there we ran into a good friend from Providence.  Annette hung out with me while Jonathan spit his medicine all over the place and acted like a little twerp.  He didn't get enough medicine down to make him really loopy so we had to give him another 1/2 dose.  Finally it was starting to hit him.  He was being all goofy and barking like a dog while trying to walk backwards.  It was hilarious.   

We got him up on the table and he was crawling all over the place.  Every time the nurse laid out a napkin for him to lay on he would pick it up and blow his nose with it.  He did that three times before the nurse stopped laughing enough to get him situated correctly. 

It took me and two other nurses to hold him down-not because he was moving much, just as a precaution.  He was so loopy by that point that it didn't take much to keep him still.  The doc had to use a few different instruments but pretty soon a $90 popcorn seed popped out of his nose!  I am pretty sure he gave me a discount too.  I am so grateful for his compassion--I am sure it could have been lot worse! :)  As soon as the seed came out Jonathan sat up and said, "Thank you doctor, thank you!"

Once again a shameless plug for Dr. Bennion, I have been to see two of his associates and I will pick Dr. Bennion EVERY time from now on.  Of course, I hope I never have to but you know what I mean!

Just another day in the life of those wacky Rasmussens!

The Joys of Chemo

This week was worse than we expected.  Usually the first week of the cycle is not too bad, just a little blah.  But the day after chemo Trent felt like he was on fire---inside.  He didn't have a fever at all, just felt like he was burning up on the inside.  So, a couple of pain pills and an anxiety pill later, he was doing better.  Then the next day he woke up with mouth sores.  Usually that doesn't happen until at least day five or six.  So, Diflucan to the rescue and the mouth is getting better.  He has fought all week with a churning stomach.  No matter what he eats, his stomach just churns.  He doesn't throw up though so I guess that's good.  He has slept a ton this week.  I feel like I have hardly seen him.  He keeps making plans to help me get ready for Christmas but then sleeps through them.  Oh well, I can handle that. 

I overheard a funny thing the other day.  Mallory was singing the Rudolph song and she sang, "You know Dancer and Prancer and Cancer and Vixen..."  I listened to her do this a few times.  That is her world right now.  Not too many six year olds know very much about cancer.  Unfortunately she knows way  more than I ever wanted her to know.  But on the plus side, at least she rhymes well! :)

More Good News!

The tumors are STILL SHRINKING!  The scan today showed more positive progress.  When Grace, the PA, came in she was all smiles.  She asked if Trent wanted to do two more rounds of chemo and we both said, "YES!"  There are currently four nodules in the right lung and three in the left.  However, two in the right lung and all three in the left have not changed at all and they are the size of BB's so they are not really concerned about those right now.  The two larger nodules in the right lung have made a "significant change".  Dr. Gouw said it is better to have the big spots in the right lung because there are three lobes in that lung and one could be removed along with the tumors if need be.  He also said not to get our hopes up but he would now entertain the idea of contacting a thoracic surgeon and reviewing Trent's scans with him.  He told us that when he had mentioned that before he really did not think we would ever get to that point.  He said that when he first met us and saw that the tumors did not respond to the first chemotherapy drugs he didn't think he could do anything to help us.  WHAT?!  It's a good thing he did not tell us that because we totally believed the opposite.  And still do! 

Trent is now on Round Nine overall but Round Five of Gemcytobine and Taxotere.  Traditionally round 5 and 6 are worse for the patient.  The doctors talked about seeing how round 5 goes and then evaluating whether or not to do six.  I couldn't understand why we would want to quit if we were getting positive results!  They all just kind of smiled at me.  That makes me a bit nervous.  We assured them we are going to do six.  So two more rounds and then a scan on Jan 19.  If the positive trend continues we will then meet the thoracic surgeon.  That should be a very interesting conversation!  We are a bit anxious about what lung surgery would entail but very willing to go through with it if it means remission.

Trent's labs were a low today but stable.  We are planning on a transfusion next week with the second dose of chemo.  That should perk Trent up a little bit.  Grace also gave him permission to keep a bag of peanut butter cups by his bed so he can get some more protein.  I am afraid that allowance might get abused! :)

All of our "Huntsman Family" was very excited to hear more positive news.  However, we almost feel guilty enjoying it when so many others are not hearing good news.  It has been very eye opening to see how much suffering is going on.  We have been truly blessed and are so grateful for the good news today.  We know the road is not going to be easy or short, but when you travel with the Lord and all of the family and friends that we have, the journey is do-able.  We are so grateful for your prayers and compassion. It makes all the difference in the world for us.  Once again our prayers have been answered and our testimonies strengthened. 

Monday, December 6, 2010 was a very good day for us!  We are praying for many more good days to come!

Pray

This is Dakota Wilson.  We have known her and her family since she was about six.  They are some of the most amazing people we have ever met and have become our dear friends.  We learned that she had written this song for us and were so touched.  We were so impressed!  It is a beautiful song, sung by a beautiful girl, with a beautiful message.  It comes at a time that I needed to be reminded of the simplest thing.  Pray.  Our prayers have never stopped but I know they can become repetitious.  We pray not only for Trent's healing but for patience and endurance. We pray for the ability to endure this trial WELL. At this point it is wearing on us and we are anxious for the end of it. We are looking forward to the day when our daddy can be our daddy again.

Much love and thanks to Dakota for this much needed sentiment! 

No Surprise

Just as we expected, Thanksgiving was a bust.  Trent did really well up until Wednesday night.  Then it was all downhill.  When we woke up Thursday Trent could barely lift his head off the pillow.  I felt so bad for him!  He really was so excited for Thanksgiving and then couldn't enjoy it one bit.  He has spent much of the last four days in bed feeling horrible.  This round seems to be a little worse than the rounds before.  He has had some issues with numbness in his hands and feet which we called the doctor about.  He has also been a little fevery but not to the point that he needed to be hospitalized.  We have been watching it very closely and doing all that we can to make him comfortable, but that is hard to do when everything hurts.  He did finally get a blessing from my dad tonight and then promptly threw up right after that.  But now he seems to be doing a little better.  We just have to ride out the next few days and hopefully things will be better.  Tomorrow home health will come to draw his blood.  I am not sure what to expect.  The times when I have thought for sure he was neutropenic, he wasn't.  And when I figured he was doing fine, he was neutropenic.  It's hard to tell on the outside I guess. 

No Blood Needed!

When Trent had chemo on Monday he ended up not needing blood after all.  He had been so pale that I thought maybe he would, but his counts were just barely high enough to not need blood.  Then later that evening I got a call that the blood drive I had signed up for was cancelled due to weather.  I won't lie...I was really relieved!  I have only given blood once before when I was in high school.  I fainted when I tried to stand up afterwards and then was sick for two weeks.  I have not given blood since then.  But with all the blood Trent has been getting lately I felt like I should be trying to help someone else by giving blood.  So maybe next time blood bank!  I will donate my liquid gold next time! eh hum, maybe. :)

Update

Trent had an MRI on Wednesday on his hip to check for more cancer.  Nothing.  Yeah!  All they noted was scar tissue which will continue to form for the next couple of years.  The doctor was absolutely estatic when he saw Trent's incision.  It has healed beautifully.  There ARE two stitches left which they gave me permission to pull when Trent is ready for that.  He he he!  He better learn to trust his personal nurse a little more!  Dr. Jones asked if he could watch Trent walk so Trent paraded up and down the hall for him and his team.  I stayed in the exam room but could see what was going on.  The three doctors and Nancy, the nurse, had their jaws on the floor.  All I heard was, "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh!" over and over.  They were stunned that he could walk as well as he can without a cane.  Dr. Jones said that people just don't heal like that.  He really did not expect Trent, after losing the biggest muscles in his body, to be able to walk so well.  I was beaming!  It was so nice to hear such positive things.  Trent thanked Dr. Jones for all he has done.  Dr. Jones replied, "Oh, my part was minimal."  I pointed to Trents giant incision and said, "No it was NOT!"  Then Trent chimed in, "Yeah, it was maximus and medius!"  I laughed right out loud!  I was very impressed he could come up with that with chemobrain!

I was supposed to write all the details on Wednesday when we got back home.  But Trent had other plans.  He ended up with a fever and horrible chest pains all night long, so it was a little hectic.  I kept taking his temperature every ten minutes or so, watching him like a hawk.  I ended up calling the on call oncologist and we agreed to watch it and wait for a little longer.  The fever broke around 2 am.  Since then he has had chest pain off an on.  It makes me nervous but I try to convince myself that is the feeling of cancer being eaten up in his lungs. 

So tomorrow we are back for the second dose for Round 8.  If the pattern repeats itself he should be feeling pretty crappy on Thanksgiving.  That is so sad because he seriously has been looking forward to this for a very long time! 

Round Eight

Trent did not end up needing blood yesterday but his albumin levels are pretty low.  That means he is eating steak and peanut butter for every meal!  Yeah for him.  We have been trying to get him suped up on protein for the past few weeks but it was not quite enough.  He also had gained ten pounds in the last two weeks.  Whoot Whoot, Right!  No, really it is because he is retaining water and had to be put on lasix which he hates because it makes him use the bathroom a ton.  I had noticed he had some major cankles the last couple of days but usually when he swells I see it in his eyes first.  It shouldn't take too long to get the water out. 

We also had about the best infusion ever yesterday.  We sat next to a really cool guy named Dov.  He has colorectal cancer that has spread to his liver, kidney, and lymphnodes.  Three years ago they gave him less than two years to live.  But he is still kickin.  He has a super positive, but realistic attitude and it was great to talk to him because he knows exactly how it is.  We talked a lot about appreciating our own trials.  "At least I don't have to deal with                "  You fill in the blank.  Even through all that he has faced he still says that.  He was pretty cool and we had a really fun time talking to him and his mother. 

We had a couple of funny chemo moments in the past few days.  Just to give you a glimpse of what chemo does to your brain, here are some great examples...

While watching TV a commercial came on playing Silent Night.  Trent turns to me and says, "That is a really pretty song, is that a Christmas song?"  Uhh....yep.

Then yesterday as we were coming home from the Huntsman we passed a store called "Kneaders".  Trent says, "K-neaders, what kind of a name is that?"  We both had a good laugh about that one!

I had to laugh today because from the time Trent got up until he laid down for a nap, he talked about food nonstop.  No-really.  NON-STOP.  Every sentence started with, "Wouldn't it be really good to make..." or "I saw this thing on the Food Network..."  My mom and I were pretty good to humor him and listen to all of his Foodies. 

Tomorrow we go back down for the MRI and a follow up with Dr. Jones, the surgeon.  I am pretty excited because there are two stitches that were left behind in Trent's leg that are trying to work themselves out.  I have offered time and time again to pull them for him.  But Trent won't let me near them.  I think I will ask Dr. Jones if I can take them out tomorrow!

Tomorrow Starts Round 8

Wow.  Eight rounds of chemo.  I can't believe we are to this point.  When Trent was fist diagnosed I thought people could only do four or five rounds.  But tomorrow starts Round Eight and we are ready.  Trent has had about 1/2 day of feeling pretty good so I guess it is time to make him feel crummy again. (ha, ha, ha)  The last time he had labs all of his numbers were pretty good except his platelets.  They were down to 41.  Grace told us to keep him away from all knives and anything that could make him bleed.  Not to hard of a job since he mostly lays on the couch or in bed!  He is really low on blood so I assume he will be getting a transfusion tomorrow.  Thank goodness we are scheduled early tomorrow.  Hopefully we won't close the place down tomorrow! 

We had a couple of visits from friends and family this week.  Trent's cousin, BJ and his family came to see him.  We a fun visit and shared a little picnic lunch in the basement.  Then we had a friend from our ward in Providence stop by.  It was really great to catch up and reminisce together.

All the kids are doing pretty well right now except Jonathan.  He has really started to panic when we leave.  It may be somewhat the age but I kind of think it has more to do with the situation than the age.  The other kids have acted out occasionally but mostly they are doing great.  We couldn't ask for better kids!  We love them so much!

Last week my dad had the opportunity to meet with President Boyd K. Packer, who is the President of the Quorum of the Twelve in the LDS church.  They talked about Trent and we learned that Pres. Packer has been keeping Trent's name in the temple.  We also learned that Elder Sitati has been keeping Trent's name in the Ghana Temple.  We have tried a couple of times to guess how many temples his name is in and we have been overwhelmed when we do so.  It is very humbling to know that so many people are thinking about us and praying for us.  I even have students from my employment, whom I have never met, emailing and calling to check up on us. We have had such wonderful support.  I can't imagine going through this without it.  It has really opened our eyes to all the suffering that goes on every day and how much more we can and should be doing to help alleviate that suffering. 

Round eight, here we come!

Still Riding High!

We are still enjoying the good news we got last week.  We are hoping it will carry Trent through this round of Taxotere.  It is going to be a tough week physically but mentally I think it is easier knowing that the drugs are working.  Hopefully the cancer cells don't get smart and become resistant.  We are really praying for DUMB cancer!

We went down for chemo yesterday.  It was the longest day ever!  We had to wait two and a half hours before anything even happened.  His labs came back critical meaning some of the numbers were too low to get chemo.  So to remedy that, they gave him blood.  However, they didn't have enough time to put in two units so he only got one.  We left the hospital at 9:00 pm!  The infusion room usually closes at 7:00.  I felt bad for the nurses who had to stay with us, but Trent really needed the blood.  Then today we had to go back down to get the other unit of blood.  No one told Trent he needed to keep his transfusion band on so when they found out he had taken it off, they had to type cross him all over again.  That usually takes about 1 1/2 hours.  So today we got there at 1:15 and left at about 6:00.  It should have only taken 1 1/2 hours total.  After all of that, Trent is pooped. 

We are going to change up the pain meds a little.  The pain that he is having is a lot of phantom pain from the muscles and tumor that were removed.  So he needs a medication for neuropathy.  We are going to try Lyrica and see if that will help his body not get the surges of stabbing pain. While we were working through the pain med issue our nurse found that Trent was supposed to have an MRI in September and a follow up appointment with the surgeon.  Somehow in all the hubbub of chemo that was overlooked.  We have scheduled the MRI for Wednesday the 17th. They will look for any remaining cancer and also any new lesions. I expect that everything will be fine as there have been no issues at all with the healing of the incision on his side.  But it will be good to talk to the surgeon and see what he says about getting some physical therapy to improve Trent's gait.  I am a little worried about a regular schedule of therapy though, his good days are so sporadic that it would be hard to know when he could do it. 

Trent was also told to try to start exercising to help with the fatigue.  I am not sure how easy that will be!  Some days he barely lifts his head off the pillow!  But I know I feel better when I exercise and hopefully it will be the same for Trent.

We have been so touched by all the people who have shared in our joy at the progress Trent has made.  It has really been an eye opener for us.  We are not in this alone by any means.  We are very blessed to have tremendous support from many, many people.  You are truly inspiring to us and motivate us to be better people each day.

I haven't posted any pictures for a very long time so here is a recent one of our family.  I really wanted to have our family pictures done at our usual time even though Trent is not looking like his normal self.  It was a difficult thing to do, emotionally, but it was really important to me.

The Tumors are Shrinking!

Consider this shouting from the rooftops!   The tumors are SHRINKING!  We are a million times past estatic about this news.  We were both really anxious but I felt really good about coming today.  We had labs at 11:30, Scan at 11:45 and then waited. And waited. And waited. Then waited some more. 

We had a little snack then settled down to kill some time.  Trent napped and I did my Larabee work.  By 1:45 we were about crazy so we went to our Dr. appt hoping for some fast action today.  It didn't quite work that way but at about 2:50 Dr. Gouw and Grace, his PA came in the room.  Grace was behind Dr. Gouw and she snuck us a thumbs up sign and whispered to Trent as she passed that it was good news.  I didn't know what to do!  Then Dr. Gouw finally said the words we had been longing for.  "The tumors are shrinking.  And what's better than that, there are no new lesions."  Trent jumped up and hugged him and Grace.  I started bawling.  Trent started crying.  Happy tears. Finally happy tears! 

We will do two more rounds of chemo and then another scan on December 6. At that point, hopefully we will look at surgery to remove what is left of the tumors.  We are still working on our goal of  being cancer free by Christmas.  The news we got today is going to go along way for us.  We really needed some good news and today was fantastic! 

Dr. Gouw told us that a good part of our success was due to our attitudes.  However, I beg to differ...I fully believe that our prayers have been heard and answered.  Your prayers have been heard and answered.  Thank you so much for all the prayers and fasting on our behalf.  That is where the good attitude comes from.  Knowing we have so much support and a loving Heavenly Father who know us each individually and knows how badly we needed a 'W' in the column today!

The battle wages on....

Monday's Scan

I have really been avoiding the blog lately because it is reality hitting me in the face from just one more angle.  The last couple of weeks have been hard again with the Taxotere but better because of the Claritin.  Still so weird to me that an antihistimine would make a difference in chemotherapy.  But it worked so I am not complaining. 

Trent is just barely starting to feel better today after the last dose of chemo.  His counts dropped to a new low for him.  On Monday he had just 19 platelets and was neutropenic again.  But by Thursday his platelets were back up to 41.  That is still way lower than the required 100 to do chemo, but I am sure he will get there by Monday. 

Monday is the day we have been waiting and preparing for for the last six weeks.  We are anxious about what we will hear but ready to meet the next challenge.  Zach summed it up really well in a paper he had to write for school.  He said, "...we are worried, but happy."  We are happy.  That does not mean we are not scared, but it does mean we have hope and faith.  Lots of faith.  We are doing all we can to get a miracle!

We will be fasting and praying on Sunday that the spots in Trent's lungs will be gone.  Any who would like to join us would be greatly appreciated!  Thank you all for all of the love and support we have been shown through this trial.  We could never endure without all the extra strength we get from you.  I have learned over and over again that the Lord IS mindful of us.  How grateful I am for a loving Heavenly Father guiding us each day and lending us the extra love and support that we so desperately need right now. 

Just two more days....

Stay in the Present

Is this week over yet? Dang, six days to go.  It's gonna be a long one!  We are here at the Huntsman for Round 6 and a blood transfusion.  Trent's bone marrow is just not bouncing back the way it did the first few rounds.  So along with chemo he gets a juicy little elixir of blood.  Kind of sickening to watch it go in-not out.  Trent has been super tired lately but other than that, okay.  We are gearing up for another go around with the Taxotere next week.  The docs have given us some pointers and new meds to combat the terrible pain that Trent endured last time.  They said it doesn't usually hit people quite that hard.  Leave it to Trent to be the odd man out.  It seems like if there is a weird side effect or symptom, Trent gets it. 

We had an eventful weekend in Idaho.  Trent even went swimming with us.  He said it felt really good to be in the water but was soooooo exhausted afterwards.  He attended the Priesthood session of conference with his brothers and dad and had a nice time.  I am sure it will take a few days to rest up after his travel--just in time to be knocked down again by chemo.  What a cycle!  I know Trent is really looking forward to a time when he doesn't feel tired.

Lately I have had a very hard time not imagining the future and what it may hold.  Not a pretty picture.  I feel almost as if I am betraying Trent or giving up if I let myself wonder if I am making memories or if this will be a memory.  But I had a great visit from two friends today who helped me remember that God is mindful of me individually.  As we were speaking they both said at different times, "Stay in the present."  That is really what I needed to hear and I know that is what the Lord wanted me to hear.  I am so grateful for those who allow themselves to be instruments in God's hands. 

Ugh

Another week down. Four more to go before the next scan. The past week has been one of the hardest yet. I feel like I am hanging on by the skin of my teeth. In the beginning people would always ask how I was doing. I was incredulous thinking, "Why in the world would you ask me? I am not the one with cancer!" But now I am starting to understand. I have always said that one of us has to be strong all the time and that is my job right now, I can have a mental breakdown later-when Trent is all better. But I can see how I am being worn down by all the emotions and stress that cancer has thrown our way. I recently read a quote that said, "Tears are not a sign of weakness, they are a sign of someone who has been strong for too long." That pretty much sums it up for me this week. I have shed way too many tears and it accomplished nothing. I am attempting to pull myself up by my bootstraps and continue the fight but it is hard when you focus on uncertainty. I have to refocus and keep my thoughts and attitude positive.

That is a tough thing to do when you watch your husband writhe in pain. This week the taxotere has done a real number on Trent. Some of the side effects are muscle spasms, joint pain, and neuropathy. Unfortunately Trent has experienced all of them to the Nth degree. And to top that off, we were running really low on pain meds so we were trying to make them last until the script came in the mail. (Something I may need to discuss with the staff at the Huntsman...) Anyway, there were several times this week when Trent described his pain as a '10' on the pain scale. It was awful and there was not a darn thing I could do to make it stop. When it gets like that it scares me bad and I tend to retreat a little. Plus, a person in pain is not usually the most pleasant person to be around. So I didn't really feel the urge to sit around and stroke his head or anything. I am pretty sure that Trent has no idea what other people are going through because of this. And on the flip side-not many people know what he is going through. He tells people he is doing pretty good and tries to put on a happy face but I see it day to day and it is not pretty. It makes me mad that other peoples lives get to go on normal and we have to stare cancer in the face every single day. Oh how I wish I could see to the end of the tunnel and know what lies ahead. It would make this whole trial a lot easier to handle. But again, that is part of the test. Stepping off into the dark and having the faith to be led through.

So as a new week begins I am doubling up my efforts to be Christlike, patient, and long-suffering. I know there are many other people who have to deal with things much worse than I do. With the help of the Lord, this too shall pass.

Quick Update

We did the second dose of chemo for Round 5 yesterday.  All is well except that Trent has been surviving on almost no blood!  No wonder he passed out at the game.  So we go back today for two units of blood and another very long afternoon in the infusion chair.  Thankfully they can put the blood in through his port so he doesn't have to get stuck in the arm one, or six, or seven times! 

Here We Go Again!

This past week was pretty tough.  This round of chemo is taking a toll on Trent.  It has hit him in a way that he has not yet experienced.  He had been feeling so good recently, so when the new meds knocked him around a bit it kind of shook us both.  It is scary to watch him go so low and try to come back from it. 

By Saturday he still was not great but was determined to make it to a RSL game this season. So he and his friend Nate made the trek to SLC to watch a game.  I was pretty nervous and gave Nate instructions on how to take care of him and what to watch for.  Turns out, Trent passed out at the stadium and attracted the attention of the medical personnel who I thought were very poorly equipped.  They didn't even have a wheelchair to offer him.  They just asked if he was okay and offered a stretcher.  Impressive, real impressive.

It has been pretty emotional around here.  Just when I think I am over all the tears something happens and they spring up again. I also felt like everybody took the last post as defeat.  I felt like people were calling and stopping by to make sure the saw Trent before he died.  Like people were looking at us thinking what a tragedy was happening to our family.  I even had one woman ask me how long they had given Trent to live!  Really?!  Just to set the record straight---WE DO NOT GIVE UP!!!!!  The news was not great and it threw us for a loop but we got back up and we continue the fight, stronger and more determined than before.  We appreciate the continued prayers and support, we honestly could not make it without all the extra strength being prayed our way. 

So tomorrow we go at it again, for the second dose of chemo for Round 5.  We expect it will be even harder than last week because he will be getting two drugs instead of one.  Hopefully he will have just one hard week and then one that is pretty good before he starts Round 6.  Wish us Luck!

Latest News

The news was not good. We were really disappointed to find that the spots on Trents lungs have still been growing. There are a few that showed some decrease but the big scary ones are even bigger and scarier. They are too big to operate on or radiate. So they have changed the chemotherapy to outpatient and we will go at it for two more rounds then have another scan. These are secondary chemotherapy drugs which means that they have not been used enough to determine how successful they are. Ugly, so ugly.

We were super nervous going in and both took the news like champs. It wasn't until after we left the office that we had our melt downs. We had some time to kill between the office visit and the infusion so we went to the Visitor's Center on Temple Square to the Christus. That's where I lost it. Trent was mad and I was bawling. As we sat there they kept bringing up tour groups and playing the recording. One line kept sticking out to me. "Let not thy heart be troubled. Do you believe in God?" I had to sit and soak it up for a minute. That is going to be my new mantra. I have to remember that we are in the Lord's hands and He can take our troubles away and calm our hearts.

During the infusion Trent was really emotional. Seeing him hurt made me a wreck. I sat there with tears streaming down my face as I tried to do my work on the computer. I am sure I have a ton of typos that I did not see through my tears! My head is in a million places right now but I am working on getting back on top of things. It kind of knocks you back a bit and it is part of our test to see if we will get back up. Rasmussens ALWAYS GET BACK UP!!!!!

We had quite an exhausting day riding on that emotional rollercoaster that we have come to know so well. I hate that Trent has had to suffer so much and that this all happened to him. All I can do is try to support him and pray like I have never prayed before. It seems like such a small offering but my faith is still strong and I am doing all I can to make it stronger.

While the news was not great, it does not lessen our determination to see this through and obtain the result we want. Our road is just going to be a lot harder and longer than we had hoped.

Getting Better

The past week has gotten steadily better. Trent feels pretty good and is back to his normal self in many ways. We were even able to make the trip to Rexburg to see his family for a day. The car ride was pretty good though he was exhausted by the time we got there. We had a great time with his family and even fit in a visit to the Rexburg Temple. By the time we got home he was wiped out but feeling really good about the visit.

Monday we took some family pictures. It was hard, emotionally, but I hope they turn out good. At one point I was having each kid take a picture with only Trent. I let my mind wander just a bit and that was a bad thing. So then the tears started. I am sure in all the rest of the pictures I had red eyes. Oh well, it happens.

We are getting ready for the scan on Monday. We still feel really positive about what we will hear but there is still a fear that creeps in every once in a while. Trent really is doing amazing. I can't imagine he would be doing so well if the cancer was spreading but I am just really anxious to have our hopes confirmed. So, keep the prayers going up...we really need them now!

Tough Week

This round has not been going as good as the last round did. Since we came home Trent has steadily gone downhill. Somehow he still managed to get in a movie with his friend, Nate. I didn't think it was a great idea to go but Trent wasn't really paying a whole lot of attention to what I was thinking. He loved the movie though so I guess that counts for something.

Watching Trent be sick kind of makes me mad. It makes me mad that we have to do this and mad that it is not going as well as it did last time. So I try to control what factors I can and sometimes that interferes with Trent's line of thinking. I have kind of tried to stay away from him a bit this past couple of days because I can tell I irritate him. And let me be honest, he irritates me too. When he doesn't feel good he says things that I don't want to hear and it irks me. He talks more about the 'what ifs' and I hate that. I hate it because I know it is all a possibility and I can't change that. But then things happen to remind me what we are learning through all of this. For example...

Today in church Zach gave a talk in Primary. He wrote it all himself and even added a picture of Trent to his outline. He gave a basic overview of the things we have been through the past few months. At the end he bore his testimony that God is a God of miracles, then he started to cry, and said he had seen too many miracles to ever doubt that. Oh my gosh that boy makes me cry! Every adult in the room was in tears! One lady came and told me what a sweet, spiritual little boy I had. She is right, he is a kid way beyond his years in many ways.

Round Four Complete

Well, after eighteen pounds of water weight, six IV sticks, one blown out vein, and two days of chemo, round four is complete.

When the docs rounded today nobody had too much to say. They were all working really hard to get us out fast because last round we had to stay a whole extra day to work out all the drugs Trent was on. So when one of the pharmacists came back to chat for a minute I asked him if the docs are told not to be too encouraging to the patients. You know, to say things like, "You can beat this!" or "You are doing great!" It always strikes me as odd and I wonder if they are holding stuff back from us, so I asked him outright what the deal was. He seemed really surprised at my questions. He responded that they had all just come from a room where the patient was on a continuous morphine drip for comfort so when they get to Trent he looks great to them. He said that Trent was the healthiest one on the floor so there was not a whole lot to talk about except how fast they could get him out of there. That made me feel a whole lot better but it would be nice to hear from your doctor how great you are doing.

Because of Trent's insistence on getting out early the whole staff was busting their buns to get everything ready. We finished chemo at 2 pm and took just long enough to shower and get Trent dressed. We were outta there by 2:45! It was awesome! We are really hoping that the time at home goes as well as it did last time. Trent is already feeling the full effects of being on chemo for two days. He is absolutely wiped out. But he had just enough gusto in him to attend Pack Meeting tonight and watch Zach get a bunch of awards. Someday that won't be such a huge accomplishment. Someday soon.

Round Four

We started Round Four yesterday. Thankfully it got started early enough that we will probably go home tomorrow afternoon. After we checked in we asked for a Gait Analysis for Trent. Guess who wins our 'cane debate'? ME! We were told that the back pain Trent has been having is because he is leaning so far to one side to compensate when he walks. So they brought out the cane and guess who walks like a new man? It is amazing how much better he walks! We will have to do some out patient physical therapy to strengthen all of his muscles and make sure he doesn't have a limp.

Last night we had the funniest thing happen. Kim-the nurse assistant who sang the Muppet song to us last time, came in and offered to sing for us again. She is hilarious! She brought in Charlie to help her sing the Poop Song to Trent. They learned it from 'Scrubs'. You can watch the original below but be warned--it's poopey! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P-OIgXyvzUU&feature=player_embedded The nurses were pretty good--althought there was less dancing!


They even got Trent to sing the patient's lines!

This is chemo Trent-starting to get a little puffy! He has already gained 8 pounds of water since yesterday.

Tonight was spent putting together little baggies of hard candy for the other cancer patients. Eric and Tanya Mathison challenged us to honor their son's memory by making a difference for someone else on the anniversary of his death. Our choice was obvious. Sitting up here surrounded by people fighting for their lives is sobering. Some sit alone, some are young, and some are old. It doesn't matter what your circumstance--cancer is horrible for everyone. But doing something to help someone else has been good for us to take our minds off our own troubles and make a difference for someone else.

We will be having the next scan on September 13 to see if the cancer in Trent's lungs is responding to the chemotherapy. So our prayers continue for another miracle!

Chemo Eve

Ever heard of Chemo Eve? Well, it is this new holiday we usually celebrate surrounded by our kiddos trying to enjoy every last moment before chemo starts again. It is not a highly anticipated holiday...but it always involves a good dose of fun and a bigger dose of dread.

Tomorrow at 9:30 we will be checking into the Huntsman once again to begin Round 4. We are going with the same medication as before...Doxorubicin and Cisplatin. Somewhere between this round and the next we will have a CT scan to determine if this regimen is working. We feel really good about it and Trent has not had any pain in his chest for quite a while. That has got to be a good sign. Trent has gotten better and better each day. He still tires quite easily but he has been able to stay up for longer periods of time and resume some normal activities. He no longer uses crutches at all although whether he should is still up for debate! I want to make sure his muscles are trained as well as they can be to minimize a limp. But Trent doesn't like being dependent on them. We'll see what the doc says...

We are heading into Round 4 with a positive, optimistic attitude. We are anxious for confirmation of what we feel is happening. We are still praying constantly that the cancer will be completely erradicated from his body and he will live a long healthy life with his family, as long as it is the Lord's will.

We LOVE Visitors!

Trent has done better this weekend. He has gotten better everyday. He still has his days and night mixed up but we are working on that. He has started walking with one crutch only and much of the time he doesn't use a crutch at all. Now we are staring down the last week before chemo again. Yuck. But, it does get us closer to another scan which are anxious for. We would love to see verification that our prayers are being answered. Don't let me fool you...we have seen many of our prayers answered lately and in ways we did not expect, but there are still more prayers we hope are being heard!

We had have many visitors this past week and we have LOVED IT!

Trent's brother's family.

Alex, Me, Trent, Troy, Kristi, Ben, and Rachel

This is Sam, our nephew, who stayed with us a week ago. He was loving that he and Trent had the same haircut and he rubbed Trent's head forever! So cute!

My sister and her family.
Dan, Melissa, Sam, Macy, and Amelia

My Uncle Kirk and Aunt Judy

Buddies from Trent's old work.

Trent, Kortney, and Derrek

Trent's brother's family.

Trent, Travis, Savannah, Angie, and Sophie

Then we had a special visit from our bishop and his family from Lincoln, Nebraska!

(Back row) Trent, Bishop Hahne, Matson, Me

(Front row) Sami, Jacob, Leann, and Emma

We were thrilled with all our visitors and love that they would take the time to come see us! Thank you so much for making our family feel loved!

Still Dropping

Labs were done today. After having 20,000 white blood cells on Monday-after the Nulasta shot, we are down to 900 today. It's not the lowest Trent has been but we are on high alert again. No germs whatsoever! We are going to try to make it the whole cycle without a hospitalization. That has never happened to us before. Trent is mostly tired but not feeling too terrible. He even got out the pad and pencil today for some drawing. He is a little rusty but he'll improve! :) I am just glad he is doing SOMETHING!

Trent finished his last dose of Vancomycin and Meropenum today. Boy are we glad for that! He has had his port accessed forever and was really glad to get that out today. Small victory, but we will take it!

Slippery Slope

This chemo thing is a very slippery slope. One day you think you are doing okay and then the next you are sliding out of control and can't stop. That is what life has been for us. Trent has done really well this round with the nausea. But as he nears the neutropenic days his slope is quite slippery. He is completely zapped of all energy. He can hardly move. Today he was laying in bed unable to move. He looked paralyzed. He asked me for help to sit up so I started pulling on his arms. He just flopped over like a rag doll. Somehow, this struck me as very funny. So I started laughing and then I was no use at all. I couldn't pull him up for anything. Before he was sick we used to play a game with each other, "Lift me as if my life depended on it". Trent would say, "what if the house were on fire?" and then I would try to lift him with every ounce of muscle I could muster. Of course I failed miserably every time and would blame it on the lack of adrenelin. So today when I tried to lift him it just struck me as funny. Kind of sick, I know.

He is still eating really well but hates to take his pills. I have to put my foot down and force him to do it sometimes. He is getting really frustrated about not being able to be productive. His mind is a little mushy from being so tired and it irritates him.

He did not end up needing blood like the nurse predicted. I was looking at him yesterday and he was way too pink to need blood. We are expecting his levels to be way low on Thursday when they draw labs and he will most likely be neutropenic. Hopefully by next Monday he will start to feel a little better.

We are only two days away from being done with the IV antibiotics. That will be a big relief to have those done. I don't really mind doing it but I have to set my alarm to get up and change the meds. Then we change them five times throughout the day. It has been going on for six weeks now. I am sure Trent is more than tired of it. As soon as the meds are done they can de-access his port. It will be nice not to have a tube hanging from his chest all the time. And hopefully we will both get a little more rest!

Amazing Day

We had the opportunity to attend the baptism of a very cute kid today. The bonus is that it was Nate's son! Suzy's family was so great to us. Her dad actually went to the bishop to request that Landen be baptized 2nd out of 7 instead of 4th so that Trent didn't have to sit so long. Trent got to stand in the circle and help give Landen the Holy Ghost. It was so neat. We had many people that we only barely know tell us that they have been praying for us. You have no idea how much that helps our spirits. It is humbling and inspiring each time we hear it.

I have been amazed all day today at how well Trent is doing. He is tired beyond belief but has not had any nausea at all. His appetite is normal and I am giving him WHATEVER he asks for. It is just so nice to have him doing this well post chemo. He is dealing with the chemo taste in his mouth all the time and that is really bothersome but we do our best to mask it with juice and lifesavers. He can't even drink plain water because it is so metallic tasting. Despite that, he is keeping his appetite and looks great. He napped most of the day and when he got up he was normal chipper Trent. I really thought I had seen the last of "Trent" for a while when we started chemo Monday. That was a major reason why I was dreading the chemo so much. Trent just isn't himself, mentally, during chemo and I hate that. But this time I have been pleasantly surprised. I keep thinking the worst is yet to come but all the while I am keeping my fingers crossed that this is as bad as it gets this round!

Still Surviving

Trent is doing pretty well. We got discharged yesterday around noon. All day yesterday he help up pretty good but I could see him getting more and more tired. Today is worse. He just doesn't have any energy at all. To date he has not thrown up once. He has had a little nausea but we have pulled out the full arsenal of drugs to combat this and so far it seems to be working. When we were checking out of the hospital the nurse told us to expect blood transfusions by Monday because his counts were dipping so rapidly. I hope she is wrong but if not, we've been down that road before! I am sure we can handle it without too much trouble.

I am probably really dense but it is still very hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that this is our life. I keep thinking that someday he will be better and life will go back to the way it was. But guess what, it won't. Trent is physically scarred to the point that he will never return to "normal". There are many things that he will never be able to do again. I hope that he will be able to do the things he loves in just a slightly different way. I am sure we will spend the rest of our lives watching for cancer to return. I don't want to live in fear and neither does Trent. I guess that is part of having faith. Faith in the immediate outcome, and faith in the possibility of many, many good years to come.

Round Three Day Three

We started out pretty good today. Trent slept pretty well even though he was up every two hours to go to the bathroom. They have to pump him full of fluids to make sure his kidneys can flush out all the toxins they put in him. Unfortunately the fluids made him swell up like a cream puff. When he was admitted he weighed 215 lbs. and this morning he weighed in at 229 lbs. So of course they gave him lasiks which sent him to the bathroom a ton.

During the last round of chemo we had a nurse's aide, Nick, who acted so much like our nephew Jake. So when he was our aide this time I had to get a picture of him. We tried to introduce him to Doug and Travis yesterday but he was busy and missed them by about ten minutes. He is a really cool guy and a great aide.

Nick

This afternoon we had a visit from friends from Nebraska. Scott and Heather Church have done the whole cancer game too. Scott was diagnosed a day or two before he and Heather got married. Scott was really great to talk to us right after we were diagnosed and give us a heads up on some of what we would be going through. It was really good to see them today and to see Scott healthy. It reminded me that Trent will someday be healthy too. He can recover!

Scott and Trent

Heather and me

I played a naughty trick on myself today. I looked back through all the blog entries on our family blog. I found a few pictures of Trent we he was healthy. It made me bawl to see them! He is so different now. It is hard to imagine life after cancer. It is so far away it hardly seems like it could be real. But like I said, seeing Scott really helped. Just to see that people live through this and resume normal lives was really good.

This evening we had a bit of trouble. The nurse came in to give Trent some nausea medicine and poked his IV right through the vein. We had been having a little trouble with that IV already and when she put in the medicine the needle went right through. It burned pretty bad in Trent's arm so the took out that IV and tried for another one. And another one, and another. After being poked five different times by three different nurses he ended up with this beauty.

Of course all this took so long that they ended up not administering any more medication through the peripheal IV at all. By the time they finally got a line in, his chemo was about done so they put all the meds through his port anyway.

We got a visit from a volunteer who brought Trent a bag full of goodies including another "Get Well Blanket". I don't think I will need to make blankets for a good long time after this! That was really nice and we are grateful there are people out there giving their time and effort to help complete strangers.

All in all it was an okay day. Trent is really feeling the chemo but the nurses have been doing very well to stay on top of the side effects. So far so good. We are really looking forward to going home in the morning. Can't wait to sleep in our own bed!

Finally, a HUGE thank you Lyndsi, my sister-in-law and to everyone who supported us in the fundraiser at Texas Roadhouse Monday night. We are completely overwhelmed and in awe of the goodness that still exists. We have been blessed with amazing friends and family. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Round Three Day Two

Day two was pretty much as expected. Trent did pretty good up until about 4:00. He had a little bout with nausea but we pulled out every med we could to get on top of it. He was just starting to really feel the chemo and it is yuck. Overall he is doing pretty good so far.

His dad and brother Travis came to spend the a few hours with him. Unfortunately that was right when he was starting to feel pretty crappy. I am sure the visit was nice but he would have enjoyed it more last weekend when he was feeling good.

Grandpa Doug, Trent, Travis

The nurses knew that it was our anniversary today so they worked up a little surprise for us. Our nurses aide Jen called up to the Bistro and had them bring down two huge pieces of cake on a decorated plate. She also brought in a pretty bouquet of flowers for us. It was very nice of her and we laughed our heads off that she did that for us. She knew it was cheesy but she didn't want us to have a boring anniversary. I think this is one we will remember for a very long time!

Yumm!

This is Jen, our Nurse's Aide. She is a total crack up!

Happy Anniversary to US! Fifteen years has really flown by. We have had our ups and downs but it has been a great ride with my best friend. He means the world to me and I am the luckiest girl alive to have him forever. He is the funniest, most positive person I know. Plus, I think he is pretty handsome-even without hair!

Love you Babe! Let's go for another 50 years!

Round Three Day One

We arrived at the Hunstman today at about 11:30 am. We had a short visit with Dr. Gouw. He said he had looked at the scans from last week and was not overly anxious about the amount of growth in the tumors in the lungs. He is pretty hopeful that this new cocktail of Doxrubicyn, Cisplatin, and Aidriomycin will be successful. The way he has dosed it the chemo will only run for 48 hours. That was awesome news! We had expected to be here until Friday evening or Saturday morning but it looks like we will be done by Wednesday night or early Thursday.

Trent was telling the nurses that we were going to be here for our anniversary in hopes that we could get one of the suites. But no such luck. It is really busy here this week so we had to settle for a room with an amazing view of the whole Salt Lake Valley. Boo Hoo. It will not be a very romantic day but at least I will be with him ALL DAY! I don't think that has every happened on an anniversary yet!

We had some funny nurses in here tonight. Somehow they both ended up singing the theme song for "The Muppett Show" for us and one of them was even doing a little jig. Slightly weird but pretty funny. I think Trent brings it out in them. He just called the nurse back in and asked for another song and dance. What a goofball!

Everyone here is so nice to us. We are getting to know the staff and that is fun. Trent is always teasing everyone. Kelsey in Clinic E thinks he is stalking her-not really but they joke about it. She is the one who hooked us up with the super long couches for a nap a couple of weeks ago. Now whenever we see her she asks if it is naptime again. Then today a resident came in to see Trent. While he was doing his examination he was really massaging to feel the lymphnodes in Trent's neck and chest. Trent asked him if he needed him to lean forward so he could massage his back too. I am not sure the guy knew what to think about that but Trent thought it was funny.

The chemo has started and I am sure these fun times are going to be gone for a while. I just hope that it is not as bad as the first two rounds. Chemo is not fun but Trent sure is!

Living It Up

We had such a fun weekend. We were trying to pack in lots of fun and celebrating because we were going to be in the hospital for our fifteenth anniversary. Saturday we attended the groundbreaking ceremony for the Brigham City Temple. I was super nervous about Trent because of the heat. I took lots of water, pain meds, a hat, a blanket (for his bum) and whatever else I thought he might possibly need. He did fabulous. The weather was perfect and not too hot. We left right after and got him home to air conditioning.

Trent and myself at the Groundbreaking

We were really lucky to have some visits from his family from Idaho. Trent's Aunt Cindy pieced together a quilt for him and then the family helped to tie it at the family reunion. It is absolutely beautiful! Aunt Jean and a couple of her kids brought it down to us on Sunday. We had a really nice talk with them, shed a few tears, and shared testimony. It was really nice. Aunt Jean had a daughter, Nicki, who died from cancer about 12 years ago so she and her family know exactly what we are going through.

Carrie, Quinn, Jodi, Trent, and Aunt Jean

We also got to go out for dinner to Tepanyaki on Saturday night. We went with our awesome friends, Nate and Suzy, whose anniversary is one day before ours. It was so much fun and so good to watch Trent and Nate. Trent has been feeling so good and it is awesome to see him enjoying life. Nate usually wears a goatee and mustache. He shaved it for Trent and said he is not growing it back until Trent is better. He is so great! Nate the Great!

Me, Trent, Nate, and Suzy

We got a surprise visit from Aunt Tracy and Uncle Joe. Joe helped us move from Nebraska and was so awesome. He cracks me up-especially when he is with Uncle Richard. It was great to see them and we are so glad they stopped by. It honestly is so good for Trent to have his family around.

Aunt Tracy, Trent, and Uncle Joe

We had a great day at church on Sunday. Zach bore his testimony and made me bawl like a baby. He is such a great little kid. He is way too mature for his own good. Trent also bore his testimony. He has such a great attitude. He just gets better everyday. Man I love him!

Sunday evening my Aunt Norene, Uncle Todd and their kids came to wish Trent luck with the next chemo. My little cousin Taybree came right in and asked to see Trent. I am not even sure she knew who he was. I think she wanted to see the one her family has been praying for. Aunt Norene kept saying that this one was gonna work. It really helped me to hear her say that. I was trying to think that but knowing how bad chemo is I really didn't want to come back. But it is what we have to do and her confidence and faith helped my attitude shift just enough to get back on track.

We continue to be blessed by everyone's support. I can't imagine going through something like this without "Team Trent" behind us. I am amazed at the love we recieve everywhere we turn. The Lord is definitely watching out for us and has blessed us with so many wonderful people in our lives. You all are truly making a difference for us!

Another Dr. visit

We had the follow up visit with the infectious disease doctor at the University of Utah. We had our niece Olivia with us to be returned to her mom in SLC. She was absolutely golden today. She was the perfect little angel. The three of us were sitting in the waiting room looking at all the brochures for living with AIDS and Hepatitis C and such. It made me think we didn't have it so bad after all. At least we were only dealing with staph. That is what the doctor told us today. They are pretty sure that it was staph that was causing all the problems. The pathology report showed no abcesses in the tumor at all and they are confident they have taken care of whatever was left behind. However, they decided to keep Trent on the IV antibiotics, Vancomycin and Meropenum, for a couple more weeks. That way when the chemo knocks off all of Trent's neutrophils he will still have something to fight any infection with. I felt pretty good about that. Both of the doctors looked at the incision and were very happy that there is no outward sign of infection at all and all of the labs are coming back normal. YEAH! We LOVE normal!

As the time comes closer for the next round of chemo we are more and more scared. It does not help at all that we know EXACTLY what it is like! It is AWFUL! It is hard to go through that all again after we have had some time with Trent feeling pretty good. But we are excited to get back to kicking cancer!

Texas Roadhouse Rocks!

My sister-in-law works at Texas Roadhouse and they have offered to do a fundraiser for our family. On Monday if you go there and mention our name 10% of your bill will be donated to help Trent kick cancer!

New Friends

Me, Trent, Todd, and Steph

(My lens had a fingerprint on it, sorry for the fuzziness!)

We have been looking forward to our visit with Todd and Steph for a while now. They are friends from Pocatello who are going through cancer treatments too. They found our blog from the radio ad for the cupcake fundraiser and we have been able to share many things. Our lives have traveled very similar paths and have finally crossed. All things happen for a reason. It was a great visit and we are glad to count them as friends. We are praying for you Todd and Steph!

Trent has done much better today. He was up helping to tend kids, clean the kitchen, and watch the dog. It was so nice to see him up and about. The pain in his chest was mostly gone until this evening when it started to act up again. The morphine we were given doesn't seem to help too much. We will have to start doubling up on the oxycodone. Besides the pain in his chest he keeps saying it feels like his stitches are going to split wide open. I am sure that won't happen. Number one-no more stitches, and number two-his incision is completely healed and looking beautiful. All the little holes that the stitches were in have bled just a bit before they scabbed over. When Trent sees even a drop of blood he assumes something is wrong. I can totally understand that reaction because of the horrifying hole that was the biopsy site. However, since the surgery he has healed up great. Just a psychological thing I guess.

We did hear back from Huntsman today. We are still on schedule to start chemo on Monday. As of now the drug regimen has not changed. We are going with doxrubycin and cisplatin. They are both nasty for nausea but not the brain stuff. Hopefully Trent will remain lucid and normal, albeit sick, throughout this round. We are enjoying the last few days of feeling good before the horror begins anew. We have to keep thinking, it is a means to an end. We have to do this to make him better, but it is all so backwards. Pushing him to the brink of death just to yank him back is awful. It is terrifying and horrible to watch and I don't even have to feel it. I can't imagine that I would hold up as well as he has. I am so proud of him and completely in awe of his strength. Together we will see this thing through.

Do You Want the Bad News or the Worse News?

I had a million and one things I needed to catch up on today so when Trent announced he was having chest pain I knew we were in trouble. I have been especially aware of any new symptom he has been having lately. He kind of has a cough and he always feels like he has something in his throat or chest that he can't cough up. It has been scaring me to death that the cancer in his lungs is actually big enough to feel.

When he told me he was hurting I did twenty questions with him trying to figure out if it was cardiac or pulmonary. I was worried about a clot in his lung. I told him I thought he needed to see a doctor and he was adamant he did not. Well, I won. I called Katie at the Huntsman and she got us an appointment for a scan a hour and a half later. President Baird and my dad gave Trent a blessing before we left. That made me feel a lot better. We zoomed down to SLC and saw Dr. Voorhies. He told us he thought Trent may be having a pulmonary embolism. Great. One more thing. We couldn't decide which was worse to have-a pulmonary embolism or cancer so big that it causes pain. I think they are pretty much a toss up. Both are pretty dang scary.

We got Trent in for the scan and just as they were pushing him into the machine he started having massive chest pains. Scared me to death. But I calmly told him to take deep breaths and relax. The scan was over quick and we went back to see Dr. Voorhies. We were worried he would be admitted for anticoagulant therapy. The nurse said we would probably just have to do some shots at home because judging by the way Trent looked it probably wasn't a very big clot.
Then Dr. Voorhies came in and told us the good news. It was not a pulmonary embolism. Then he told us the bad news. The cancer had grown so big it was putting pressure on the pulmonary wall and causing the pain. Not fabulous. He will talk with Dr. Gouw and we should be getting a call tomorrow afternoon to give more details about the treatment plan now.

I can't say we were shocked at the news. Trent hasn't had chemo for five weeks now. We had to know the cancer would continue to grow without treatment but there was a little part of me that was really hoping things would be better than this. I didn't expect everything to be smooth sailing after removing the giant tumor on his hip, but I was still hoping it would be.

We are still very hopeful about the next round of chemo. We have been praying for Dr. Gouw constantly and will continue to do so. This is just a little bump on the big bump on our road.

Railroad Tracks

Trent finally got the stitches out today. All 38 of them, spanning about 16" down his side. He is left with a pretty gnarly scar but the incision looks great in terms of healing. The actual taking out of the stitches was not too bad. Some of them were pretty tight and those were a bit tender but Trent chatted away with the nurse the entire time.

It ended up being another very long day at the Huntsman. Trent's port was clotting again and we had to do the medication to clear it out which takes a couple of hours. We forfeited the consult room/nap room :) to do a couple of errands for my Dad while we waited. Too bad, because we were dang tired by the time we got home.

I just have to say again how nice it has been to have Trent back mentally. We had such a great time today and I just had to smile while I listened to him chatter away with everyone. He is such a great guy and so sweet. I love him so much! I really miss him when he turns into chemo patient. I know that Trent hates it too. He is feeling so good and so much like himself that it really makes us dread chemo next week. We know it is for the best and a necessary evil, but we are not looking forward to it at all.

Fun Day with my Hubby!

Happy Pioneer Day!

We had a great weekend. Saturday Trent was able to go with Zach, Jarom, and his friend and his boys to the movie. That was huge! We even traveled to Providence to do it! He was tired when we got back but not too bad. Since the surgery he has slowly regained his strength. Each day he is a little stronger than the day before. He even scoots around a little without any crutches at all. It is nice to see him get better every day. We have had so much fun talking to the real Trent-he is really funny! That chemo brain is so NOT fun.

Last night Trent's sister Trisha and her husband came from California. It was so good to see them! We hadn't seen them for over two years. They had never even seen Jonathan. It was fun to have them stay with us. They headed out early this morning to go to the Rasmussen Family Reunion. We had hoped to go to but that was just too much of a drive for Trent. I was nervous that we would get up there and he would be miserable and I wouldn't be able to help him. Ultimately I left it up to Trent who decided he could not do it yet. He really misses his family and wanted so badly to go and tell them all how much he loved them. It was a tough decision to make.

Today Trent actually went to all three hours of church. We had many ward members come and greet and us say how happy they were to see him there. We were happy too. It felt good to be there and we both enjoyed every minute of it. Trent had an awesome lesson in Elder's Quorum about the Priesthood. They discussed the power and authority of the priesthood and how important it is to petition God using the priesthood. We had a similar lesson in Relief Society. Both of our testimonies of the priesthood have grown exponentially. We have come to KNOW more fully that the priesthood is the authority to act in the name of God. What power that is! We are seeing daily the blessings we have been given come to fruition in our lives. It is humbling and amazing. We are so grateful however unworthy we may feel.

Fun Day

Today was pretty good too. Trent is still dealing with post op pain but doing well. His incision looks beautiful and is healing really well. The holes from the drains are hardly draining anything at all but his leg and side are a bit swollen. He keeps complaining of being sore and I have to remind him that he is now forcing a little tiny muscle to do the work of several large muscles. He is getting pretty good at getting himself in and out of bed. He gets around pretty much all by himself. He still needs some help when he has been in one position for extended periods of time but is mostly independent now. He still doesn't eat with us at the table because those darn chairs are just too hard on his bum! So he eats on the fluffy couch instead.



We got Trent outside for a bit this evening to watch the kids learn to ride bikes. We showed off some of the tricks we have been teaching Scout and that was about all he could handle.



It is pretty scary to watch Trent change physically. He is starting to lose his eyebrows and eyelashes and I don't love that. I knew it would come but I secretly hoped it wouldn't happen to him. It makes him really look like a cancer patient. Little by little this is all starting to sink in. My husband has cancer. Cancer is our life. Hope is our future.

A Week in Review

Last week was pretty good all things considered. Zach chose to stay home from MDT camp so he could spend time with Trent. He told me that there would always be more MDT but he might not ever get this time with Dad again. He is so mature for his age...I can't believe some of the things he thinks about. So he and Trent had some movie nights, chess games, checkers, and Wii time. They are pretty good buds and had a great time.

Jonathan is just learning to talk. He regularly comes to give Trent kisses and hugs and says, "Daddy sick." It is so cute and he is so tender with him.

We were lucky enough to have Trent's mom and sister come for a short visit last weekend. His mom spoiled him by running to get whatever meal he wanted from whatever fast food restaurant. I admit, I did that too during chemo. I guess Trent has that affect on us!

Yesterday was our doctor appointments with Dr. Jones and Dr. Gouw. Dr. Jones took the drains out of Trent's leg and side. He asked Trent what he had for breakfast and as soon as Trent started to answer he ripped them out of his leg. Trent screamed. Apparently it hurt pretty bad and we were told it usually doesn't. Then Dr. Jones moved on to the upper drains. Trent said, " I am not telling you what I had for lunch!" It was pretty funny and good that Trent could keep his sense of humor even though it was pretty painful.

We met with Dr. Gouw who said that he is pretty sure he is going to ditch Ifosfamide this time and go with a new drug. We are still doing to give the Doxrubicyn another try as it hasn't really had time to prove whether or not it is working yet. Trent will start chemo on August 2nd-one day before our 15th wedding anniversary. How romantic! We are going to be all alone (minus the 101 doctors and nurses) in a huge suite (nevermind the fact that I can't share the same bed or bathroom with Trent) with no kids in sight (not that we would want them to see any of that torture) for our anniversary! I can't wait!

Then we had to have Trent's port re-accessed. It was clotting and they had to put some medicine in it and let it sit for two hours. By this time Trent was pretty tired. They led us to their consultation room that was decked out with two huge couches covered in pillows, a flat screen TV, and warming blankets. We each took a couch, turned out the lights, and took a nap. It was awesome. When we woke up it was time to finish all the port stuff and get outta there! It was a really long day and Trent paid for it in pain last night. But on the brighter side, he slept better than he has for a long time!

Trent still has a pretty good attitude most of the time. While the nurse was fixing his port she told him how sorry she was that he had to go through this. His answer was immediate. He said, "I'm not, it is going to make me a better person." That honestly is what we are praying for, besides a cure, to be better people. We have to let cancer change us permanently and never go back to the way we were. It is all about the attitude. Trent read a short blurp about Glenn Beck last week. He has been told that he may loose his eyesight. Glenn's response was something like, "If I do, I will just thank God for letting me keep my sight for as long as He has." I know that is the right attitude, that we should be thankful for all we have, no matter how long we have it. But we are really praying for longevity!

We took a little trip to Walmart today to pick up a few things. It was really sobering. Trent had been doing really good and felt like he wanted to see the outside world again. He used the jazzy all through the store. While that was good for him, it really made reality set in a little more for me. I could see the stares and looks we were getting from those who passed us. I tried to smile at them all but found myself wondering if they were feeling sorry for us. The thought of that was a little hard to swallow. I know people feel sorry for our situation but I don't want them to feel sorry for us. I am not even sure there is a difference. It just makes our life more real to me. This stuff happens to other people, not us. I am supposed to be smiling sympathetically to someone else, not the other way around. That part of cancer is something I really hate. Who am I kidding? There is not really a part of cancer that I particularly like.

Another Day Down

The last couple of days have been a little rough. Let me re-phrase that...the last couple of NIGHTS have been a little rough, which makes for rough days. Trent has been up a lot at night, with pain, bathroom trips, IV med changes, and bad dreams. He has a hard time getting to sleep. He can't seem to make his mind shut down and let him rest. Unfortunately that means I am up a lot a night too. Two sleep deprived people don't make for a very effective team during the day. We are EXHAUSTED!!!!

Trent is going so stir crazy. I don't have time to sit with him all day long because I am taking care of kids and trying to work full time. So that means Trent spends some time alone just hanging out. For most of us that sounds HEAVENLY! :) But for Trent, it is making him crazy. I bought him a sketch pad, pencils, and oil pastels today so he could do something while he is resting. Hopefully this will help snap him out of his funk. I am hoping to get him outside tomorrow, at least for a minute, so he can get some fresh air. That might wake him up a little bit.

We ran out of pain meds today so I called the doc only to find out I have to physically hold the paper prescription to get it filled at the pharmacy. So Michael, our patient care coordinator made a trip to Ogden to meet me and give me the script. I am sure that was above and beyond his job description and I am so thankful he did that for us! He has been awesome. He has a nice soft voice and always knows when to say something and when to just lay a hand on your back and wait for you. I have been really impressed with him. Another reason it is good to be at the Hunstman!

Homecoming and Weekend of Visitors!

What a great weekend we had! The kids came back Saturday morning. We missed them so much! We spent a great day just hanging out together and hearing about all of their fun adventures in Idaho. They loved the story about the Lovebugs too!

Trent is doing better each day-with minor setbacks here and there. He is mostly coming along very nicely but has struggled a little with bouts of pain and soreness. Not too surprising considering the surgery he had! He is very diligent about doing laps around the basement and doing his exercises from the physical therapist. He is now able to stand up-after I have gotten him to a sitting position-and get himself back to a sitting position again. He has done the big long staircase a few times now and usually does pretty good.

We had a fun surprise visit from my Aunt Gayla and my cousin Austin. They showed up with some awesome looking pizzas and cupcakes! It was really fun to talk to them. I haven't seen them for quite a while and it is nice to have great family support.

Trent, Austin, and Aunt Gayla

We also had Trent's brother and his family here to visit. They brought out kids back from Idaho and spent the afternoon with us. It really helps Trent to be so close to his family. We love that our kids get to be close to their cousins too.

Heidy, Sam, Trent, Trevor, and Kaleb

Trent's cousin from Ohio stopped by on his way to Oregon and spent a couple of hours with him. They enjoyed telling stories from their childhood and reminiscing the 'good old days'. I have to admit I really love the visitors too. It really gives us both a boost to share moments with friends and family.

Trent and Scott

While all of the visitors were fun, I think this little guy was Trent's favorite. Since he has been home Jonathan has been all over Trent. He is the spitting image of him and definitely the same personality. What a cutie!