Feed your FAITH and your fears will starve .

Thursday, December 12, 2013

I Believe

Thanksgiving was actually really pretty good for me this year.  It was always one of Trent's favorite holidays because he LOVED all the food!  The last few Thanksgivings have been crazy but this one was not and I was so grateful for that.  I missed him and wished he was with me but I also felt peace with the day.  We spent the day at my parents' house and the weather was unseasonably warm. After dinner Brad and I took a long walk and just spent some time talking.  I knew I needed to decorate Trent's grave and I had made the decorations and had everything ready, I just wasn't sure if I wanted Brad to be there.  When I told Brad I was going to go to the cemetery I surprised myself by asking him to come with me.  When we got there the styrofoam that was supposed to fit in the vases was way too big.  Brad and I shaved the styrofoam down to size with a plastic spoon and knife.  As we were sitting in the cold grass shaving styrofoam I was overwhelmed by how blessed I am.  It was totally surreal to be at my husband's grave, with my husband. But I was overcome by how much I am loved.  I have two amazing husbands who love me and are doing everything they can to help me be happy.  As I finished putting the final touches on the decorations the tears started.  Brad wrapped me in his arms and cried with me.  It was a very tender moment and I was so glad that I had asked Brad to go with me.  

A couple of days later I took Zach and went shooting with Marilee and Bret.  I gathered all of our pumpkins from the front porch and had a blast blowing them up.  I was feeling like Zach needed a little bit of time with me and it was a fun way to do it.  

 Zach has struggled a bit lately and I have tried to find time to spend just with him as much as I can.  It doesn't happen often but after FHE on Monday we had a few moments together.  We slipped away to Macey's and grabbed some oohhh-so-bad-for-you snacks! Pringles and Eggnog!  What could be better than that?
Then last weekend we went to Idaho for Brad's nephew's mission homecoming.  On the way up I took my kids and went to visit my grandpa and grandma.  It is easy to do since we have to drive two cars everywhere we go! ;) They were headed to bed when we got there...at 7 pm!  So we busted up their evening and spent a couple of hours talking and laughing with them.  My grandpa had a stroke about three years ago and has never been the same since.  I remember going with Trent to visit him in the hospital.  When we left I cried to Trent telling him that I didn't think I would ever see my grandpa alive outside that hospital again.  I never expected that Trent would pass away before he did.

While we were visiting, Jonny was his usual noisy self.  Grandpa quietly listened to our conversation until Jonny spoke.  Every time he heard his voice he would yell at him to leave me alone and be nice to me.  He kept threatening Jonny that he was going to "take him out back".  It was hilarious!  We laughed pretty hard about that.
Jonny (the terror), Me, and Grandpa Rounds

Me and Granny Rounds--she looks like she is scared of me!

Zach, Mallory, and Jarom

Zach, Granny, and Megan
Last week I was driving in the car with Jonny and we had a very interesting conversation.  It went something like this:
Jonny: Mom, is God strong?
Me: Yes, actually He is all powerful.
Jonny: So, He can lift a cow?
Me: Yep, He can even move mountains.
Jonny: Will I ever see that?
Me: I expect that you will.
It was a funny little conversation and of course the answers I gave him had another meaning but it got me thinking about what I believe about God.  Over the course of the past few years I have had to trust God more than ever before.  While Trent was battling cancer I put all of my trust in God, hoping and expecting a miracle.  Since Trent passed away I have had to dig deeper than ever before and trust God even more.  I have to trust that all that has been promised me will one day come to pass. I have to believe that Trent dying was in the plan and that at one time I knew about this plan and agreed to it.  I have to believe that the trials that I face are making me stronger and molding me into the person that Heavenly Father needs me to be. I have to believe that one day I will be reunited with Trent and all will be made right.

At this time of year my thoughts are also turned to our Savior and his miraculous birth.  I am so grateful for a Father in Heaven who loves us enough to send His Son to earth to be our Savior.  I believe He was born of a virgin, lived a perfect life, and atoned for my sins, pain, and sorrow.  I believe he was crucified and rose from the grave, providing the way for all of us to have eternal life.  I believe in a plan and a purpose for us beyond our comprehension that will one day give us ultimate happiness.  I believe in being happy here, now and making my life full and rich and satisfying.  I believe that is what Trent wants for me.  Yes, I believe.