Feed your FAITH and your fears will starve .

Friday, July 12, 2013

Carrying On

I have thought long and hard about how to write this post.  I still am not sure what words will come but it is time.  About a week before Trent passed away he asked me not to get remarried.  I was totally fine with that request and agreed wholeheartedly.  But then the night or two before he died he sat me down for his 'speech' in which he told me that "that guy over there is the husband, and you are the wife, and there is a dynamic for blending two families."  This speech came after he had coded on the surgical table and was brought back to life by the anesthesiologist.  I believe at that time he got a glimpse of what was to come for him and for me.

I chose to only listen to the request not to get remarried.  I figured I could wait for the Second Coming and be fine to raise my kids alone.  Logistically it would be very difficult but I know I am strong enough to take on that challenge. However, over the past 10 months I have been gently told over and over by a loving Heavenly Father that He had something different in store for me.  I did not want to hear that and refused to acknowledge the possibilities.  Slowly I began to see that my plan was not the plan that was being put in motion.  I can just imagine Heavenly Father shaking his head at me wondering when I will realize that we are not working on my plan, but His.  

The change in attitude did not come easily or quickly.  I wanted lightning to strike in answer to my questions. I waited for a good long time for my 'lightning' and I wasn't getting it.  Shocking right?  I learned a valuable lesson during this time.  The Lord teaches us "line upon line and precept upon precept".  The whole gospel is based on this learning method.  I was not going to get my lightning, but I cannot deny the many answers I did receive, line upon line and precept upon precept.  I gradually came to know that part of the Lord's plan for me to "carry on" would include marriage.  Truthfully, it scared me to death and was not an easy thing to learn.  I was worried about my kids and the changes that would bring for them.  They have already been through so much and I certainly didn't want to be the source for more pain for them.  In many ways it would be easier to remain single and trudge through life the best I could.  But in choosing the easier path I would stunt my opportunity for growth for me and children.

It has been very difficult for me to come to terms with the direction my life is heading now.  I was very apprehensive about the reaction I would get from everyone.  I was sure that they would be judgmental and assume that I was "over Trent" if I was dating or considering marriage.  I will never be "over" Trent.  I will love him forever with my whole soul.  The thought that someone might question that breaks my heart.  I was also mad at Trent for awhile. I visited his grave looking for peace and instantly knew I was doing the right thing, which made me mad.  I felt like he was practically throwing me into another man's arms.  How could he?  Little by little I came to know that Trent loves me so much that he desires my happiness over everything else and needed to know that me and the kids would be taken care of physically while on earth.

Thankfully I have been blessed with a wonderful man whom I will marry tomorrow.  In many ways he is like Trent.  He is kind and sweet, he is strong in the gospel, he treats me like a queen and loves my children.  He has helped my heart heal and feel alive again.  He makes me feel safe and loved and I know that is what Trent wants for me.