Feed your FAITH and your fears will starve .

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

I Like to Ride My Bicycle

The last few weeks have flown by!  We have been very busy with birthdays and family and LIFE!  Trent has been doing so well!  He is still getting better and better everyday-with an occasional bad day here and there.  He has been having some pains that worry me but I am not sure if I am just being a nervous nelly or if we are just a little bit hypersensitive to anything that has to do with his body right now.  I really wish there was a "What You Can Expect Day by Day After Cancer" book.  I have read a bunch of pamphlets and books that we were given but because everyone is so different, the things I read are somewhat vague.  I would love to have a guideline that says "On day 62 Trent will have some pain in his chest but that is due to the burrito he had last night, not cancer."  THAT is the kind of book I would like to read!  It is hard to know what is normal and what is not, especially after 11 rounds of chemo and two surgeries.  I think that is a guessing game we will play for the rest of our lives.

Last night we got out all the bikes to get them ready for summer.  Trent jumped on his and started riding around.  It was so fun to watch him!  I ran for my camera so I could document the occasion.  I am sure he was thinking it was not that big of a deal, but to me it was huge!  I have sometimes felt bad for the loss he has suffered physically and wondered what his 'normal' will be.  When we first went to Huntsman we spoke with a social worker, John, who suggested that Trent take up cycling.  We kind of liked the idea but Trent could hardly lift his head off the pillow at that point so we didn't do anything about it then.  But watching him last night made me think that maybe this would be his "thing".  He never really did it before so there is nothing to compare himself to-which might be a good thing.  He must have liked it too because he got up today and went for another ride.  He rode a whole mile! 

He has just now left to go coach Zach's soccer team.  You can't imagine how nice it is to type something as normal as that!  He is just filling in but he is really happy to do so.  He has really loved being able to go to all the games every week and gets a real kick out of watching his kids play.  I am sure all parents feel the same way but to us it is like a bonus, something that almost got ripped away, and we are especially grateful to have another chance to enjoy it. 

Thursday, May 5, 2011

It's Been a Year

It's been a year.  That is what I tell people when they ask me what we have experienced.  There are no words to describe it.  I find myself at a loss still, even after the question has been posed several times.  It has been a year. 

It was also one year ago today that Trent and I sat in a small exam room and heard the words, "You have cancer."  Just thinking about it puts me right back there in that awful moment.  I actually called that doctor today and spoke with his nurse, Lisa.  I just wanted her to know that as grim and as ugly that diagnosis was, Trent is still here and doing great.  I explained to her briefly about what we had been through in the last year and told her I would be calling her every year on May 5, hopefully telling her that Trent is doing great.  She admitted that she and Dr. Hung had been wondering about Trent the other day and decided they would probably never know what happened to him.  I was so glad to be able to tell her about our success thus far.  I have a few other calls to make to other doctors and nurses who helped us.  I don't mind making that kind of phone call as opposed to others I have had to make.

As I have reflected on the past year I realized something.  I spent many months trying to lead the Lord.  I prayed so hard for exactly the outcome that I was comfortable with.  Those were very difficult months.  I was praying and praying and not seeing the answers I was "ordering".  Finally, when I gave myself and the outcomes to the Lord, 100%, was I able to cope with the situation.  That was an interesting realization for me.  The Lord knows and wants what is best for each of us and what it will require to make us the best that we can be.  He allows things to happen that will stretch us past anything we ever imagined we could live through and that is when the growth happens.  I am so grateful for all that we have learned. 

For a long time I have thought that in order for me to really appreciate what has happened I had to be able to say that I am grateful for cancer.  That has really tripped me up.  I CAN NOT say that I am grateful for cancer.  I'm not!  Cancer is horrible and I would never wish it on my worst enemy!  But, I AM grateful for all of the blessing that come with it.  The doctors, nurses, and countless volunteers that have blessed our lives will always hold a place in my heart.  I have been humbled beyond belief.   The outpouring of love has been overwhelming. I have been lifted higher than I could have dreamed.  We have truly been carried through the darkest hour and into the light.  That is where we are now and hope to be for a very, very long time. 

The past few weeks have been awesome.  Trent is growing more hair and looking more healthy than ever.  We are loving every minute of it!  We have been able to enjoy time as family and have it be somewhat normal.  We went to the bird refuge last week for spring break.  I know, way nerdy, but it was really fun!  Trent drove as I handed out treats, passed binoculars, pointed out birds, and helped kids fill out their worksheets.  It was beautiful!  For the first time in a very long time I was Mom, and only Mom.  I did not have to be Mom, Dad, Driver, Nurse, and everything in between.   I was just Mom and I loved it. 

We are looking forward to many more fun and exciting times in the future.  We won't even be too picky about how nerdy our outings are.  We look at life differently.  We have a different idea of what is important and hopefully that will never change.