My Happy Place

Life is happening at a whirlwind pace right now.  Saturdays are crazy with three kids in soccer and me coaching one of the teams.  School is winding down which means field trips all the time and the kids all want me to go with them.  I have added responsibilities at church and it seems like every other day I get asked to do something else like, play in a symphonic band, be the regional coaches administrator, etc.  Life is crazy!  Because of that is has been very helpful for me to escape our reality every once in a while.  Since February I have been to St. George three times and have loved it every time! Last month I took the kids and went down with Sandra (wife of Paul who recently passed away from cancer)and her children. We stayed in her father's guest house and had an absolute blast!  We hiked, went on picnics, ate out, went fishing, saw the historical sites, visited the temple grounds, watched movies, went to the dinosaur museum, and swam.  It was a much needed break for all of us.

Grafton, Utah (Ghost Town)

Jarom, Zach, Mally, Me, Jonny, Sandra, Sophie, Hailey,and Bree

Zach, Jarom, Megan, Jonny, and Mally

Megan had the camera at the little cemetery in Grafton.  It is interesting to me what she photographs.

 St. George Temple

St. George Temple

Jarom, Zach, Mally, Me, Megan, and Jonny at the temple

Visitors Center. We watched a really amazing  movie about the Plan of Happiness.  Yes, I bawled like a baby through the entire thing.

 Dixie Rock

Zach at the Johnson Farm Dinosaur Park

 Daughters of the Utah Pioneers Museum

 Jacob Hamblin Home

 As we were driving down the street Megan gasped and shrieked, scaring me half to death.  She had just spotted this statue that sent her heart all aflutter.  She has loved the movie "Spirit" since she was about three. She made me promise we would come back and take pictures before we left.

Not sure why Jonny was so interested in this end...

It was warm down there but certainly not hot enough to go shirtless! Silly boys!

Us and Grandpa Mayfield.  He is so sweet! We really bonded with him and were so grateful for his generosity!

I got to go back to St. George a couple of weeks ago with Marc and Aly who have also recently lost their spouses to cancer.  We had the best time!  We talked a ton and laughed even more.  The first day my abs were sore from laughing so hard.  It felt so good!  We ate at Anasazi, the most amazing steakhouse.  They cook your steak on a lava rock!  We also had the chance to go to the temple and do a session.  I was nervous because Marc had not been there since his wife died.  I know how hard it was for me the first time and I was really worried about what his reaction would be.  He was amazing.  After the temple session he shared with us what he had learned.  I hope he doesn't mind me sharing it here too.  I have been so impressed and have thought about it often.  He realized that God does not want us to be alone.  As hard as it is for us, Heavenly Father (and I believe our spouses) want us to marry again and find happiness for the rest of our lives.  Part of the reason for that is for protection.  When Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden Satan tempted them.  He first secluded Adam and tried to sway him.  When that failed he went to Eve, alone.  By tempting them separately he was able to get both of them.  I thought that was really interesting.  I have always known that Heavenly Father wants us to be united as families for happiness and strength and progression but I never thought of it as being needed for protection as well.

After we went to the temple we did some hiking at Snow Canyon and then Dixie Rock.  We ended up on a big rock overlooking the temple just as the sun went down and the lights came on in the city.  We all sat and talked about our spouses, the things we miss, the things we love about them, favorite memories, etc.  It was so peaceful and healing.  The best part is...we were able to do it all with smiles on our faces.  That may seem small to some...but it was huge for us.  

I love that I am finding joy in each day, that Heavenly Father is healing and softening my heart and helping me to carry on.  I am grateful that there is a smile on my face much more often than there are tears on my cheeks.  Nine months ago I thought my only happy place was right by Trent's side.  While that is truly the happiest place for me...there are other happy places that I can enjoy here on earth.  

Seeing with New Eyes

About four years ago I got really excited about having LASIK surgery.  Trent was totally on board with it.  He was always in favor of anything he thought would make me happy.  We planned to use our tax refund but of course after he was diagnosed that refund was always used to meet our incredibly high insurance deductible for his treatments.  Unfortunately, this year there was no deductible to meet.  I started toying with the idea of LASIK about five months ago.  Nothing was happening and I was not getting any closer to having the surgery until one day it dawned on me that I had to make it happen.  I guess part of me was waiting for Trent to say to do it.  Not like a heavenly message or anything...just that we always talked about every big decision and I didn't really have anybody to discuss this with and make that big decision.  So about five weeks ago I made a quick decision and picked up the phone and before I hung up I had a surgery date for three weeks later!  I was thrilled...except that meant that I had to wear my glasses for the next three weeks.  Ugh.  I hate them!  I never wore glasses at all except at night.  It was so hard for me to wear those darn things!  I hated every minute of it and swore that I would stomp on my frames the second I had the surgery done.  The only good part about it was that I think that wearing glasses made my 1.5 eyebrow situation less noticeable. :)

Zach and his "four eyed Mom"

Stealing a kiss from Jonny.  He loved that I had glasses like him.

Morning of surgery...last picture with glasses! Yay!

I was so excited to have the surgery done.  It was so easy!  I was in an out in less than an hour.  I was only in the surgery room for fifteen minutes and each eye took less than a minute to do.  The first day was pretty miserable because I felt like the doctor had thrown a fistful of sand in each eye.  I tried to sleep most of the day but had to wake up each hour to put drops in my eyes.

Gotta love the post surgery goggles!

I had to sleep with these beauties on for five days.  I always went to sleep with them on but never woke up
still wearing them. Oh well.  The only visible change in my eyes was the blood blister rings around each iris from where they had to stabilize the eye during surgery.  Luckily most of that was covered by my eyelids so I wasn't walking around grossing everyone out with my bloody eyes.  At my post op appointment the day after surgery I was seeing 20/15 from each eye and just one week later I am seeing almost 20/10 from each eye.  The best vision ever recorded is 20/8.  Yes, I am feeling pretty darn good about my decision!

Last week my mom brought home a bunch of new flannel nightgowns.  Weird, I know, but we loved them anyway!  We all chose our favorite and put them on to model.  We were in such a weird mood!  The evening may have included dancing, piggyback rides, and a dog-pile...but I am not talking!  We laughed about being the girls from "Little House on the Prairie".   I called dibs on being Laura Ingalls.  Trent had a crush on her when he was young.  I even considered putting my hair in braids for our photoshoot. ;)

Mom, Me, Mallory, and Megan sporting our fancy nightgowns.

It was nice to be crazy and fun and laugh with my girls.  It feels like a part of me is waking up again.  I love it! I have missed being fully happy.  I am trying to find the joy in each day and focus on the good things in my life.  It is difficult to always keep an eternal perspective on life but I can see that when I do, things fall into place a little better than when I try to force the pieces together.  I am so grateful for my "new eyes", literally and spiritually, because with them I am beginning to see that I can be happy again.

I AM

This morning Zach was frantically trying to get his assignment for Language Arts to print from my computer but was running out of time.  I told him I would print it and bring it over to school for him.  When I finally got everyone out the door and the dishes done, I sat down at my computer and read the poem Zach had written for class.  Of course, I was bawling instantly...

I AM

I am sorrowful and lost.

I wonder if my father is near.

I hear my mother cry at night.

I see reminders everywhere.

I want to run and hide.

I am sorrowful and lost.

I pretend it never happened.

I feel my heart crunch with sadness.

I touch the soft reminder.

I worry we will never recover.

I cry when no one else can see.

I am sorrowful and lost.

I understand it had to happen.

I say, “It’s better this way”.

I dream of going home again.

I try my best each day.

I hope it will get better.

I am sorrowful and lost.

This evening as I was taking Zach to renew his fishing license I told him how amazing I thought his poem was.  He told me his teacher had read it to the class and his classmates had applauded him.  He was very matter of fact about everything, but that is so Zach.

I sat quietly for a moment while my eyes starting "sweating", as Zach calls it.  I told him how sorry I was that this was his life and that I wished it could be different for him.  This was his reply to me, "It's okay Mom, I just figure that everybody was foreordained to their trials in life.  I think that this had to happen to me so I could comfort somebody else.  I don't even think I would change it if I could because it was obviously supposed to happen this way and it is only for such a short time and then we can be together forever.  So, if I can help just one person, then it is worth it.  I know that the worth of one soul is of infinite worth to Heavenly Father.  That is why I am so excited to serve a mission...it is going to be really great, ya know?"

Wow.  I was so humbled to hear those words from my 13 year old son.  He is pretty amazing...and just like his father.  Trent would have been so proud to hear that little speech from him, and I am pretty sure he did.  I am so proud to be his mother.  I am in awe.  I am so blessed.

Widow/Widower Conference

Yeah I know, the title makes me cringe too.  Last fall I had a few invitations to attend a Widow/Widower Conference.  The first thought that came to my mind was, "Eww gross!  What a meat market!"  Of course, I declined.  But by about December I knew I had to go to the next one which was held in the middle of March.  I just could not get the thought out of my mind.  I even knew who I had to take with me.  I had mentioned it to a few other friends who are in my same situation and their reaction was the same as mine, "EWWW!!!"  So I knew I either had to go alone or trust the promptings that I had been receiving to take Brad, a friend who lost his wife due to a complication in her pregnancy in June 2011.  Brad was reluctant as well but agreed to go and be my buffer from the meat market.  We agreed that we would not participate in any social activities during the conference and there would be no eye contact with anyone.  Pretty strict right!?

We were both pretty nervous as we arrived on the first morning, not knowing what to expect.  As soon as we walked in a woman ran up to us and hugged us, loudly introducing herself and exclaiming how happy she was to meet us.  I nearly bolted for the car right then!  Thankfully, I did not.

The first speaker was S. Michael Wilcox, author of several LDS books and talks.  "The Fourth Watch" is a talk of his that I have listened to several times and absolutely LOVE!  When he began speaking it was like the Balm of Gilead for my soul.  He could have been singing the ABC's to me and it would have been the same.  Just hearing his voice was so comforting to me.  He gave a fabulous talk and mentioned some of the same things that I have also learned.  He doesn't use the term, "moving on" and neither do I.  I prefer, "carrying on".  He came up with something even better though, "moving toward".  I loved that!  Each day I am moving toward my reunion with Trent.  He talked about eternal love going both forward and backward, how important it is to "pass through" sorrow, and that the grave is as important as the altar in creating eternal marriages.  Seriously, so good.

We attended workshops given by Kent Allen, a licensed marriage and family therapist.  He was amazing.  I would go back a thousand times just to hear him speak.  Not only did he tell us what to expect from our children at different ages and stages, he told us exactly what to do to help them.  He told us how to help ourselves and what is normal and when to seek help. He taught us about Love Languages and how they apply to our children.  He also bore testimony of the healing that comes through the Atonement and encouraged us to lay our burdens at Christ's feet.  Yes, I am a big, big fan of his now.

The cost of the seminar included lunch and dinner each day.  We made the mistake of eating the lunch provided on the first day.  No, the food was not the problem, it was having to witness the meat market in action.  Yikes!  We met some nice people but I wish I had a better experience with the group as a whole.  After that we decided to get food somewhere else. :)
 
We also got to hear from Chris Williams and his wife, Mikkel.  Chris' first wife and three of his five children were killed in an auto accident cause by a drunk driver.  He brought up some interesting points in his talk.  He talked about how it seems that during the first few months after loss we have such a strong spiritual support but that seems to fade, leaving us feeling alone and lost.  He said, "If we always have such a strong spiritual support we would never need to be strong on our own.  We would be spiritually crippled."  I don't really think that the support fades but it is like a parent teaching a child to ride a bike.  At first we hold firmly to the bike, steadying them.  Gradually the amount of support gets less and less until eventually we run beside them as they ride the bike all by themselves.  It is the same concept.  Heavenly Father never leaves us alone but supports us and loves us until we can be strong without as much help from Him.  Of course, He is always right there to catch us if we stumble too.  Brother Williams also spoke of forgiveness and faith.  He had to make a choice to forgive the other driver.  He likened it to a parent disciplining a child.  It is so tempting for other children to jump in, or pile on, as we call it.  But he knew that he had to not interfere in Heavenly Father's parenting of His other child.  He knew that he would be cared for and parented with peace and comfort, but he needed to "let it go" and forgive.  He then asked, "Do you have faith that Christ can heal you?"  I was sure I knew the answer to that when Trent was battling cancer.  I certainly had enough faith for Trent to be healed.  Unfortunately that was not God's will.  Now the question is do I have enough faith for me to be healed?  I have to ask myself that question every single day.  When Mikkel spoke she asked the question, "Who am I becoming because of this trial?"  We all have a choice in that matter.  Who we become depends on our reaction to our trials.  Heavenly Father knows who I can/will become.  I just have to trust the path that is getting me there.

The whole weekend was such a spiritual experience for me.  I felt like Heavenly Father followed me around placing answers in my lap and comfort in my heart over and over.  On the way home on Sunday morning we were looking for a church house so we could attend sacrament meeting.  We saw several church steeples but had a hard time finding the church.  We finally found one that was a bit more out-of-the-way than we had planned on.  After hearing their speakers, I believe that was Heavenly Father, guiding me to exactly the right meeting that day.  My testimony grew by leaps and bounds as I once again realized how intimately Heavenly Father loves me and is involved in the details of my life. He has promised He would never leave me alone and He is keeping his promise.

Easter Blessings

This weekend we faced another big first, Easter.  It was bittersweet, this time more sweet than bitter.  I feel like we are progressing! I wasn't sure what to expect with this holiday but it turned out much better than I had hoped.  I really tried to focus on the reason we celebrate Easter and not so much the fact that Trent was not with us physically.  Because Christ has risen, Trent will one day rise and take up his body and be whole. That is reason to celebrate!

We had a busy day on Saturday with soccer games, Easter Egg hunts, and family.  At the Easter Egg hunt they ran out of candy and ended up giving the older kids money instead.  I can't say I thought that was too horrible!

Jonny and Olivia ready for the hunt!

Mallory, Olivia, and a million other BC kids racing for the loot!

Money is way better than candy!

Later that day Megan and I went driving.  She is really getting better and it is fun for me to teach her to drive.  Plus, it is a good time for us to connect and talk.  We drove to the cemetery and cried for a little bit.  It was nice to share that moment with just her.

Saturday afternoon my brother in law was shooting my brother's pellet gun in the backyard.  I heard the shots and immediately headed out to take my turn!  The gun has a scope on it, which I have never used before.  I got all sighted in and pulled the trigger...that's when it all went downhill.  Nobody mentioned how much kick the gun would have and that I should back away from the scope.  I took a pretty good knock on the eye but wasn't going to say anything because it didn't really hurt that bad.  When I looked up Ben, my brother, said, "Oh Holly, you cut yourself." I touched my head just above my eye and didn't see much blood but by the time I got inside to the bathroom blood was completely covering my whole eye.  Mom doctored me up with a butterfly bandage and I drove myself to the pharmacy to get some glue for my cut.  I didn't really want stitches and I don't think it was quite deep enough to need them.  So, I opted for glue to repair the damage.  

When I came home I asked Josh to glue the cut shut.  I figured since he is a dentist and does this all the time for his patients, he would be the best one for the task.  Ummmm....not so much. He dropped a big old glob of glue right on my eyebrow, gluing it to my head.  At the time I didn't really care because I felt like I had my bell rung and just wanted to lay down and sleep for a little bit.  

The next morning I figured that when I showered most of the glue would come off and I could get it out of my eyebrow.  Wrong.  Most of the glue did come off the cut but my eyebrow was still firmly glued to my head.  So I covered my eyebrow with my finger and reapplied the glue to the cut.  It turns out I was not the best one for the task either.  I glued my finger to my eyebrow!  When I pulled it off, the eyebrow came too.  I sat there looking at myself in the mirror trying not to laugh too loud.  I could not believe I had just pulled off half of my eyebrow and it was still stuck to my finger!  I laughed for about five minutes before I could pull myself together enough to face everyone with 1.5 eyebrows.  I have selfishly chosen not to share those pictures. :)

Sunday was crazy.  I had to sing in the choir and also played a flute duet with my neighbor.  That cracks me up because I have not played the flute for twenty years!  I was a little rusty but we did okay.  The theme for  Sacrament meeting was the Atonement of course.  One of the speakers told of a friend who had battled cancer.  That was too much for me.  I lost it and had to leave the meeting, mostly because I was bawling like a baby and didn't have any tissues.  Throughout the day there were moments of tears but not the knock-you-down kind.

As the day went on I became more and more grateful for all that I have.  I cannot deny how much my life has been blessed.  I am in awe at how involved Heavenly Father is in the details of my life.  His love is constant and unconditional.  Our family has suffered much and have been required to make a very big sacrifice but we are being blessed continually.  We are surrounded by people who love us and are answering our prayers.  I always say that I am looking forward to the day when I get to sit down with Heavenly Father and have Him explain why everything had to happen the way it did.  But lately I am starting to think there won't be time for that conversation to happen because I will be so busy thanking Him for all the blessings, guidance, and tender love that I receive daily.  

Leaning on Faith

I was asked by Trent's cousin's wife to write the following talk for her YW.  It will be presented tonight along with the video that follows and the song that she wrote when Trent passed away.

The Atonement and Adversity

                In May of 2010 my husband was diagnosed with Stage IV Pleomorphic Spindle Cell Sarcoma at the age of 37.  We, along with our five children, were devastated.  The fear that gripped us was almost tangible.  We turned to the Lord to give us peace, comfort, and the strength we would need to face the tremendous battle that would lie before us. 

                Over the course of the next twenty eight months we came to more fully understand the role of our Savior’s Atonement for each of us.  For so long I associated the Atonement with sin.  However, the acts of the Savior in the Garden of Gethsemane and on the cross encompass so much more than paying the price for our sins.  In Alma 7: 11-12 it reads:

 11And he shall go forth, suffering pains and ^aafflictions and ^btemptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will ^ctake upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

 12And he will take upon him ^adeath, that he may ^bloose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to ^csuccor his people according to their infirmities.

That part was for Trent.  Christ took upon himself the pains and suffering of cancer, and every other illness, so that he would know how to succor Trent in his darkest hours.

And in Isaiah 53:4 we read:

4¶Surely he hath ^aborne our ^bgriefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.

That part was for me.  Christ has born my grief and carried my sorrows.  He descended below all to be able lift us up in our times of need.  When my husband passed away seven months ago I began a whole new journey in understanding the Atonement.  During my darkest hours I found comfort in knowing that my Savior, Jesus Christ, knew exactly what I was feeling and how my heart was breaking because He had already felt every pain that I was experiencing.  I came to know that not only did He feel my pain, but He wept with me.  He wasn’t sitting back thinking, “It’s okay that you are hurting now, because in the end it will all be worth it.”  Instead He lowered himself to the depths of my sorrow and wept with me, never leaving me alone. 

As much as I already knew about the Atonement and its redeeming qualities for sin, I learned how to apply the Atonement to my life for sorrow, grief, doubt, and fear.  I learned to fully rely on the Lord and His wisdom to carry me through not only the tough times, but my entire life.  As I did so, I realized there was a whole other aspect of the Atonement that I had never considered before, the enabling power of the Atonement.   Elder David Bednar said, “I frankly do not think many of us ‘get it’ concerning the enabling and strengthening aspect of the Atonement, and I wonder if we mistakenly believe we must make the journey from good to better and become a saint all by ourselves through sheer grit, willpower, and discipline, and with our obviously limited capacities.”  Heavenly Father and the Savior can strengthen us, bless us, and comfort us as we learn to lay our burdens at Their feet.

                As my children and I are working to overcome our sorrow and grief, we are being strengthened and lifted up.  My oldest daughter is 15 and a sophomore in high school.  She has been somewhat quiet with her pain and doesn’t show much emotion.  I have worried about her and what she must be going through and how she is handling things.  However, I have been humbled as I have watched her grow.  I have witnessed her reach out to her friends who are struggling and lift them up and love them.  I have listened to her express her desire to help them in any way.  I have seen amazing growth in each of my children and am grateful for the extra help and care they are given each day.

                I have also had many opportunities to participate in the lives of others who are struggling with cancer, death, and picking up the pieces of a shattered life.  Many times I have been given the strength to do things and say things that I was sure I could not handle.  I have grown in ways I never thought possible.  I am forever changed because of the enabling power of the Atonement.  It has made weak things strong and I know that it is only through Christ that these things are possible.  The Atonement is meant to make us “one” with our Savior.  In putting away sin, overcoming trials, and blessing the lives of others, that is exactly what we are doing. 

                In closing I want to leave you with my testimony that I know beyond doubt that Christ lives.  He atoned for my sins, my sorrow, and my growth.  Heavenly Father knows each one of us intimately and loves us infinitely.  I know that Heavenly Father’s plan is perfect and His plan for me will help me to become the person He needs me to become.  In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Video by Natasha Jones
Leaning on Faith

Another "First" Conquered...Well, Survived

Well we survived Trent's birthday and managed to fit a few fun moments in between the tears.  Tuesday night I got together with my widow/widower friends.  We laughed so hard that my abs were killing me!  It felt so good to hurt from laughter and not crying.  I was hoping all the laughing would carry me through a very difficult "first".  When I got up Wednesday I was still giggling about the night before and I was sure the day was going to be fine.  WRONG!  I made "Daddy Cake" for Trent and got the day started.  Not long after that I read some things that made the tears start.  Megan also posted a picture of Trent on FB with her birthday wish to him and it made me cry even more.  My mom came in and tried to comfort me but I completely shut her out.  I am not sure why.  I just wanted to be alone and have my time to cry.  The day was filled with tears and memories.  It was so weird to celebrate without Trent.  I wasn't sure if I should decorate the dining room and make a poster for him like we always do.  I ended up not doing it, I just couldn't.

I had to coach a soccer practice for Jarom's team, did I mention I am coaching soccer?  Poor kid, his coach is clueless! :)  At practice I ran into a woman I had gone to school with whose son is now on my team.  She mentioned she had read my blog and was very sympathetic.  I was sure that I looked like I had been run over by a truck because of all the tears I had cried that day.  I thanked her and told her it had been a rough day because of Trent's birthday.  When she came back to pick up her son she brought me a box of Idle Isle chocolates.  She couldn't have known how much I love those and her kindness was a huge boost to me that day.

I hurried home from practice and loaded all the kids in the burb to go to the cemetery.  Trent's sister had sent 40 balloons which we tied notes to and took with us.  We sang "Happy Birthday" to Trent but I couldn't finish it.  I made it all the way to the third line before I broke down and sobbed.  I had to take a moment to say 'hi' to Shea, our friend who passed away last week.  She is buried right at the foot of Trent's grave.  That was comforting for some reason.  I hate that she is there at all but I am glad she is by Trent.

Getting ready to release the birthday wishes!

Our notes on their way to Trent.

Jonny had a fit because his balloon floated away.  Ummmm...that is the point Jonny!

On the way to eat dinner we saw the most amazing rainbow.  It made me happy because the kids all remembered a time when Trent chased a rainbow for them, trying to find the pot of gold at the end.  But then it made me sad because I knew that the Second Coming would not be happening this year.  Bummer.

We ate dinner at Red Robin.  When we were in Nebraska we ate there once and we decided that their jingle would be our secret way to tell each other that we loved our family.  One person would sing, "Red Robin" and the rest of the family finished off with "YUMM!"  We have kept that going for the past five years.  We all know what to do and we all know what it means.  I was really trying to put on a happy face but several times I had to pull myself out of my own head and remind myself to pay attention to the kids.  We had a pretty good time and made it through dinner mostly unscathed.  We went home and ate the most delicious Daddy Cake and I put the kids to bed.  I was so ready for them to be asleep.  I felt like I had lived a hundred days in one.  I felt like I had accomplished a big first, then I realized I have to do it again in 364 more days.  Ugh!

The next day was the seven month closer mark.  I can't believe it has been seven months since Trent passed away.  It is still so surreal.  I feel like I must be living someone else's life.  Mine was not supposed to be this way.  But I am learning that I can choose to be upset about what should have been or I can carry on and make the best of what I have been given.  It truly is a choice.  I know what Trent wants me to do and I know what the Lord expects me to do.  So I choose to make my actions and attitude be something that Trent would be proud of.  I want him to cheer me on in my life, not worry that I am not strong enough or be disappointed with my decisions.  Little by little we are making it, conquering surviving one "first" at a time.