Feed your FAITH and your fears will starve .

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Two Years Closer...

Wow.  Today is two years.  I can't believe it.  It is so surreal that I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that it has been two years since Trent passed away.  I am not sure if it was a good or bad thing that today was the first day of school.  It has probably been really good for me to be as busy as I have been but then today, there is nothing.  There are a million things I could be doing but they will all be there tomorrow too.  I am taking it easy, letting myself cry when a memory comes to mind.  I was not sure what to do with the kids.  I didn't want their first day of school to be wrapped up in the events of this day two years ago.  Instead, I think I will take them fishing on Saturday morning.  Trent would have loved that.

A few weeks ago we had yet another scare with Jonny and his "traveling" ways.  We were in St. Anthony at the parade and we were getting ready to go.  As I was gathering up garbage and blankets and such I turned around and Jonny was gone.  We immediately started searching for him.  Several of the adults with us split up to look.  He was nowhere to be found.  I was very calm yet completely distressed.  After a few minutes I called 911.  In my mind I was praying like crazy for Trent to be with him.  A short time later the cop arrived and called all units to respond to the search effort.  A family down the road was having a little get-together and after the cop asked if they had seen Jonny two men stepped up and said they would like to help look for him.  That is what made the tears flow.  I was doing okay before that.  Then I started to panic just a little bit. Moments later Jonny was found by the police officer's wife who had also joined the search.  As soon as I saw him I ran and grabbed him and hugged him tighter than he liked.  I didn't care.  I set him down and kicked his little tootie!  My emotions were a little conflicted at the time.  I am sure many other parents have felt the same way.  I was secretly hoping that Trent had been with him and maybe given him a little swat on his rear too. :)

This month marked my 19th anniversary with Trent.  I remember when on my parents' 21st anniversary my dad remarked about the fact that my mom had been married to him half of her life.  I was always conscious of the years that ticked by and how close I was getting to being able to say the same thing.  It is weird now.  I am still married to Trent and have been for half of my life but it is not quite the same.  I didn't get to enjoy all those years with him.  But I will settle for the fact that I have loved him half of my earthly life and I take comfort in knowing that I probably loved him in the life before, just as I will love him in the life after.

It is always a little bit different celebrating an anniversary with a deceased spouse while a living spouse looks on.  I am not quite sure how to handle it.  We were supposed to be at a baby blessing on my anniversary but Brad was up all night before that with a bad stomach flu.  As I held the barf bowl for Brad I couldn't help but think about the hundreds of times that I held a barf bowl for Trent.  When we first got married even the sound of Brad coughing sent chills down my spine.  I made him promise that he would never get sick.  How do you make good on that promise!?  Slowly some of those triggers are softening though.  I was surprised that I could help Brad and not come completely undone with all the memories of being by Trent's side through all of his illness.  I ended up leaving Brad and his kids home while the rest of us went to the baby blessing.  When my brother stood to bless his son I had the very distinct feeling that Trent was there, standing in the circle with them.  I peeked open my eyes hoping to catch a glimpse but of course saw nothing.  Darn it!  During the meeting I had the overwhelming feeling that I needed to share my testimony.  I tried to shrug it off because I was visiting that ward and didn't want to take their time.  But deep down I knew I would eventually stand at the pulpit.  It always makes me feel better when I have had the opportunity to share my testimony and I am glad I did.  Later that day I took the younger kids and went to the cemetery. We didn't do much, just laid by his headstone and took a few pictures.  It still stinks that I have to visit my husband there though.

The next week was quite a whirlwind.  We had four lambs entered in the fair and that was a lot of work!  It was fun though and provided a lot of time for me to build relationships with Carter, Jarom, Mallory, and Ryen.  I kept thinking how happy Trent would be to see his kids having this experience of raising and showing animals.  He would have loved it too.

On August 9th we had a very special day.  We participated in a 5K in Trent's honor.  My family and Trent's came together to form Team Trent.  It was amazing.  I was especially excited to see Jesse, Trent's nephew.  I haven't really seen him for years and he has had some difficulties in his own life that have kept him away.  When I saw him I ran up and threw my arms around him and his brother Justin.  It made my heart melt just a little bit more when I found out they got up at 3:00 am to be there on time.  During the opening ceremony the tears started flowing.  My cute little brother Mike just slipped his arm around me and let me cry.  I pulled myself together until they called for the team captains to get their balloons for the balloon launch.  On the way over I saw Aly, my best-widow-in-the-world-friend.  We grabbed each other and bawled some more.  Ouch!  We finally got our balloons and prepared for the launch.  They had someone sing, "Go the Distance" before the launch.  Of course I was still bawling.  This time it was Adam, another little brother, who held me while I cried.  I looked around and saw all the people there supporting me and all the others who had similar trials.  Life is hard!  But I am very blessed to have such amazing people surrounding me. Even though the morning was emotionally exhausting my heart was overflowing with love.  I know I am loved.  I know Trent is loved and will never be forgotten.

And so today I am missing Trent's sweet smile, his uneven earlobes, his Pillbury Doughboy laugh, his adventurous spirit, his love for life, and his amazing example.  But mostly I am missing his presence.  I miss his arms around me, my hand in his, and our kids at our feet.  I MISS HIM!  I hope he misses us as much as we miss him.  I know we will be together again but the road in long and lonely.  Until then we will endure and we will do it well.  God speed Trent, we LOVE you!


  1. Im coming up on a year after losing my mom to lung cancer right before Thanksgiving of last year. Keep your chin up and just keep moving forward.

  2. First, my deepest condolences regarding your familys loss. I wrote the above comment as well, finally figured out how to sign in. As someone who also lost an immediate family member, I had a question if you didnt mind...when did you feel you could let yourself feel like "yourself" again? I catch myself laughing or having a good time and catch myself having this horrible feeling that Im dishonoring my mother by moving on. I look forward to following your family's progress in life's adventure and wish you all the best.

    1. Ben, it took me awhile to feel even a little bit like myself again. It was several weeks before I cracked a smile or laughed. I finally realized about two months into it that I missed being happy. I wanted to be happy for my kids but for me too. Still two years out I am finding new parts of me that have been buried for far too long. Part of me feels guilty for moving forward with life and trying to enjoy it but another part of me feels Trent pushing me to do it. He doesn't want me to be sad and he knows I have a lot more life to live.

  3. Holly-your strength and closeness to the spirit are amazing. I think of you and your family often. I keep you in my prayers. I am so happy for you that you are starting to feel more like yourself...even if it is a little bit of a new self. Your great big family is very lucky to have you!!!

  4. I love coming to view and review your blog of events and love notes to Trent. How often my thoughts are lovingly reflections of you, our wonderful Nebraska Family. The other day Eric was sharing with me of the memory when Trent invited him to go to a huskers football game, it was shortly after the passing of Caleb. What an amazing example, person and friend that Trent continues to be on our hearts. Holly I love you, you know that, and I always will- thank you for your friendship. :)Tanya