Haven't posted in a few days. It has been a rough weekend for us. Trent has been very sick. Since the IV was brought in on Thursday I have given him at least four or five bags of fluid trying to get him stable enough to stand without falling. He has not been able to eat and what little he does eat comes up not too long after. His mouth is swollen and covered in sores. So anything that goes in has to go through a straw because he can't even open his mouth enough to get a spoon in.
His mind is not all there and I really only see the real Trent for about 90 seconds a day. That is tough because the patient I am dealing with is not at all like Trent. He has been mean and ornery and such a complainer. Nothing is good enough or done just right. When he asks for something I run out to get it and by the time I give it too him there is something wrong with it. It is exhausting, not to mention maddening. I keep trying to remind myself that it is the chemo that makes him that way but I lost it. I blew up at him and told him I couldn't do it anymore. He was too demanding and I couldn't do anything right. He kept hashing the same things over and over. I told him I was going to ship him off to Idaho and let them take care of him for a while. I think that scared him, the thought of me not being there, because he apologized and said he would be better. Of course I apologized too but am having a hard time feeling it. I am probably way too honest on this blog and now everyone knows what a monster I am. But it is not all rosy! Cancer is hard, REALLY HARD! It is nice to think I might be able to get away from it all for a minute but that is unrealistic. Cancer is there everywhere I turn. It doesn't matter if I ran off to pamper myself or to get groceries or whatever. The bottom line is, cancer is our reality and there is no escaping it. So we do our best to just make through each day. Some days "making it through" is not being dead at the end of it. If we wake up another day I guess we won the day before right?
Had a nice visit from my sis and her family this weekend. It was fun to see them. Her husband beat cancer almost twenty years ago. I think it is hard for him to see Trent go through it too. Probably brings back a bunch of really ugly memories. Trent's dad also came down with his niece. That was good for Trent. It wore him out though. He slept a lot today. He tried to get out of bed to visit for a while but it really only lasted a few minutes.
Trent's dad reported there was a good turnout for the benefit at the Cocoa Bean this past weekend. We are grateful for everyone's support and hard work to make it a success. We both apologize that we couldn't be more involved or even enjoy the day and success. Maybe we can think about that tomorrow.
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This makes me sad to read, because I KNOW how you feel, and no one should ever have to feel that way. You are NOT a monster. Cancer DOES suck, and although there are things you can do to temporarily take your mind off of it, it never really leaves your mind. I've almost forgotten what it's like not to have the word "cancer" in the back of my mind. I hate what some of the chemos can do so someone's head. It's just so not fair. Know that my prayers are with you and your family. I think that the caregiver needs just as many prayers as the patient. It's tough. :( Hang in there. It's one day at a time, and more often than not, one minute at a time.....
ReplyDeleteugh.. Dang Cancer.. I hate that word.. and more than anything.. I hate that it is your everyday..
ReplyDeletePlease.. let us help in anyway we can... Love you
Cancer is the monster--you are just a human experiencing an inhumane situation. So sorry! Be as kind to yourself--remember, you wouldn't harshly judge someone else going through the same thing. Hang in there. Lots of prayers headed your way.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to imagine your pain. Unless you are living it or have gone through it, there is just no way to totally absorb it. But I can feel from your words the horror of cancer. I can feel the tremendous strain of what you are doing. There is no humanly possible way to not be frustrated and scared and then the kick of guilt rears it's ugly head and adds to your burden. Don't worry about guilt. Don't worry about being mad. Don't worry about not being able to be everything for everyone. You are so right that cancer never leaves, even if you go to the grocery store. But you can distance your responsibilty for an hour or two and that can be a revival to be able to go back at it. Please see if there is home health nursing available for you to walk away from it. It does help. I pray for you all. My wish is that soon Holly will make me laugh again. As you are missing who Trent is, I am missing you also. I am missing the whole fabric of who you are. But the fact is, you are both still in there. And you will come back triumphant. If you would please let my son know I love him and I want to hug him everyday. I am not going to make you keep answering the stupid phone. I'll selectively call once a week or so. I am sure if there is anything I need to know I will find out. Just please let him know that I have not abandoned him. I just want to help give you space to fight this. I love you all so much!!
ReplyDeleteHi Trent and Holly,
ReplyDeleteThinking of you both as you struggle through this difficult time of being a patient, and Holly you as the caregiver. Holly just flash that beautiful smile of yours to your patient and hopefully today will be a better day. Thanks again for your postings as I check the blog daily. Thinking of you and keeping you in my daily thoughts and prayers. Hang in there and many positive thoughts.
P.S. We have new neighbors in the caldesac. I am sure they will be a nice family but they are not the RASMUSSENS :)
Oh Holly! I can't even begin to comprehend what you must be going through... ALL of you! I cried for hours yesterday as I read every post on your blog. It breaks my heart that such a harsh reality is yours to bear right now, but I also felt such an immense amount of strength and love from every word you have written. I know Heavenly Father is there with both of you right now and although it seems a small, tiny thing on our part, please know that you all, Trent, you, and your kids are CONSTANTLY in our prayers and our thoughts! We LOVE you all and wish there was something more we could do for you! You are so much stronger than I would ever be! Don't be hard on yourself... most of the world couldn't do what you are doing everyday. And you are doing it with grace, faith, and love! We are all blessed to have you in our family, especially Trent! Love you all!
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ReplyDeleteHey Holly,
ReplyDeleteIt's cousin Michelle. Just wanted you to know how many people are pulling for you guys...we thought a lot about you at the reunion. I remember someone telling me when my dad was in the hospital...just be kind to yourself...and I still think about that. Same to you. I know there's not much we can do directly but just know that our thoughts and prayers are with you and there is a great BIG support system for you out there. God bless.
Holly,
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing person, you have a strength that few others have. But just because Trent got cancer doesn't mean that you suddenly don't have any feelings. You deserve to have a breaking point, you deserve to have feelings. Cut yourself some slack. I know it's easier said than done, but cancer is the monster, not you. We love you guys and pray for you daily.
Holly, you sweet (and strong!) girl. I appreciate the difficult words that you write and are sharing with your readers. I second the words of the previous comments and add my prayers and support to your family. You are experiencing yet another side of cancer. Your feelings are justified. Take some time to take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteHolly,
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me, but I am a friend of your sister Jill. Your blog strengthens me everytime I read it. This entry especially. My mother is in her 1st year of remission from breast cancer. With this experience I learned that when one person has cancer the entire family has it. You hurt when he hurts and you feel just as helpless. Anyways, I just wanted to let you know I am praying for you and your family.
Hang in there Holly dear... Life is not all rosy- thats for sure! You are an amazing family. Take it one day at a time.
ReplyDeleteWe were so excited that we were in Rexburg for the Cocoa Bean event. My kids LOVED seeing your families pictures all over town. They kept telling all their cousins- "Thats our friends!" We brought lots of family over to buy cupcakes- and Dylan emptied all his change out of his wallet into trents donation jar. That made me a little teary! We're praying for you ALL.
Was just reading a little further back in your blog with a comment from a girl you do not know in Pocatello. She is enduring the same thing the two of you are. She has really outstretched arms and would love for you to contact her. Please do so. If you don't feel like you need her, she obviously needs you. You may be the one person who the Lord had directed to her. You can lift her burden and only you. Wow...what a gift. At the most miserable time in your life you can hold her hand and walk together and be of good cheer for someone else. Don't pass up this blessing.
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