Haven't posted in a few days. It has been a rough weekend for us. Trent has been very sick. Since the IV was brought in on Thursday I have given him at least four or five bags of fluid trying to get him stable enough to stand without falling. He has not been able to eat and what little he does eat comes up not too long after. His mouth is swollen and covered in sores. So anything that goes in has to go through a straw because he can't even open his mouth enough to get a spoon in.
His mind is not all there and I really only see the real Trent for about 90 seconds a day. That is tough because the patient I am dealing with is not at all like Trent. He has been mean and ornery and such a complainer. Nothing is good enough or done just right. When he asks for something I run out to get it and by the time I give it too him there is something wrong with it. It is exhausting, not to mention maddening. I keep trying to remind myself that it is the chemo that makes him that way but I lost it. I blew up at him and told him I couldn't do it anymore. He was too demanding and I couldn't do anything right. He kept hashing the same things over and over. I told him I was going to ship him off to Idaho and let them take care of him for a while. I think that scared him, the thought of me not being there, because he apologized and said he would be better. Of course I apologized too but am having a hard time feeling it. I am probably way too honest on this blog and now everyone knows what a monster I am. But it is not all rosy! Cancer is hard, REALLY HARD! It is nice to think I might be able to get away from it all for a minute but that is unrealistic. Cancer is there everywhere I turn. It doesn't matter if I ran off to pamper myself or to get groceries or whatever. The bottom line is, cancer is our reality and there is no escaping it. So we do our best to just make through each day. Some days "making it through" is not being dead at the end of it. If we wake up another day I guess we won the day before right?
Had a nice visit from my sis and her family this weekend. It was fun to see them. Her husband beat cancer almost twenty years ago. I think it is hard for him to see Trent go through it too. Probably brings back a bunch of really ugly memories. Trent's dad also came down with his niece. That was good for Trent. It wore him out though. He slept a lot today. He tried to get out of bed to visit for a while but it really only lasted a few minutes.
Trent's dad reported there was a good turnout for the benefit at the Cocoa Bean this past weekend. We are grateful for everyone's support and hard work to make it a success. We both apologize that we couldn't be more involved or even enjoy the day and success. Maybe we can think about that tomorrow.