Wednesday, September 5, 2012
When Does This Get Better?
Many people have said that time is my friend and eventually this will get better. Well, right now time is my enemy because I have to exist in it. When I think about how much time I will be without Trent my heart breaks all over again. I know I need to stop thinking about the long run and just concentrate on today but that is soooo hard when I am hurting so much.
I keep cycling through the stages of grief and landing in the mad phase. I am mad at the world! If you happen to catch my wrath, my apologies in advance. I wish so much that I could change everything and make it all better for me and my kids. Everywhere I look I see reminders of things that we wanted to do as a family; build a house, get a job for Trent; put the kids through school and on missions. Then of course there are the smaller, more immediate plans; tour the Brigham City temple, see Saints and Soldiers at the theater, get new family pictures. Ugh.
I see people enjoying their relationships and I feel so lonely. It is not that I just need a companion, I need Trent. I want Trent. Waiting for him is torture. I know he is happy and whole and that he is busy on the other side of the veil. I know all those things, but it doesn't always heal the hurt right now. He still has kids here who cry themselves to sleep each night, missing their daddy. He still has a wife who so desperately longs to be with him that it is hard to focus on the eternal perspective.
If I just had a timeline to map out how this healing will go...or at least when the Second Coming will be. That is not too much to ask is it?
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Hey, Hol. Thinking about you every day. I kept the program from the funeral on the center console of my car so I get to see you two holding each other over and over every day. Can't wait until I REALLY get to see it again.
ReplyDeleteLove you. Give the kids hugs for us.
It's not fair... it's REALLY NOT. And I think you're justified in your feelings. I'm certain that even our loving Heavenly Father, with His perfect eternal perspective, mourns with you.
ReplyDeleteI know there are many, including me, who wish we could make it all better, too... I hope soon you'll feel lifted and carried... :*)
You are loved, dear friend.
Holly, I could never presume to comprehend the pain you are going through right now and so I hope my meager offerings don't upset you. I was talking with a co-worker (and good friend) of mine who lost a grandson about five years ago when he was about 13 years old. I asked what she and her family did to endure the weeks and months immediately following his death. Knowing that you have a firm faith in the eternal perspective but are suffering the "right here and now" sorrow, I wondered if she had any advice. She said that other than always giving herself permission to cry when she felt like crying, she would often go to her grandson's grave and talk to him. Out loud. Like he was right there in front of her listening to every word. She said she'd sometimes talk in frustration-- even raising her voice a little-- wanting to understand why he was taken so young. Other times she'd just simply talk and tell him about how she was feeling. There was something about putting her quiet inner emotions into actual verbal words and voicing them directly to her grandson that helped to relieve some of her internal torment. I thought it made a lot of sense and wanted to pass it along to you.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine there'll be a day anytime soon that you don't wake in the morning feeling the horrible heaviness in your heart of Trent's absence. That's the part that only the passing of time can ease. But in the meantime... you are SO good at SO many things. And for so long you've had to put those things aside to care for Trent. Maybe now is the time to embrace those things you love doing again and attempt to seek out a little bit of joy that simple pleasures can bring. You have seen and endured so much ugliness in the last 2 1/2 years; now is the time to embrace beauty... in whatever form you might find it. At first, you might have to force yourself. But maybe by doing so, little by little, you'll feel the empty part of your heart filling more and more with resolve and with purpose and with courage to go forward. I think for all of us, recognizing, seeking and embracing the simple joys in life will be a meaningful way we can honor Trent in the difficult weeks and months to come.
Prayers are going out to you and your family to ease your heart, and to give you the comfort that you need.
ReplyDeleteWe love you more than words, and are always thinking about you guys
Hugs and loves.
Nathan and Suzy
Minutes. Sometimes seconds. One breath at a time. Can't be rushed, can't be hurried. But ONE day you will wake and the pain will be more bearable. Not now, Holly. Engage your support system and know that you are loved.
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you and your children daily. I know the pain of death~ I have not lost a spouse so I don't know exactly what you are going through, but I have lost a son and I know the empty sick feeling I woke up to and dealt with every second of the day. This is a wound that time will not heal but will help you deal with. It has only been such a short time, but I am so glad that you do have such a good support system around you.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that you have continued this blog! So many of us have grown to love you and your children through it and I am still amazed at what a strength you have been and are to so many even though you probably do not feel that right now. The number of people you have touched through this blog is unfathomable~ My husband Jeramy thinks you should write a book. I think you already have.
Know that you are in all of our prayers and that our love and thoughts will continually be with you through this most difficult time.
Thank you again so much for allowing so many of us to share in your journey, for allowing us to pray, fast, laugh and mourn with you. Trent was SO amazing and I will always be grateful to him and the roll he played in my life. He was a great missionary before he even entered the field. I gained my testimony because of his great example as a teenager.
I am so sorry that you have to go through this, but know that you are loved and will continue to be in all of our prayers!
Jennifer Hawkes
Holly, if you're tired, I'll be tired right there with you. If you're mad, dang it, I'm mad with you. If you're hurting, I hope that I can take even a tiny peice of it, and hurt with and for you. If you are sick of waiting, I'm praying that your wait will be short (either time will fly, second coming, however the Lord's plan can be your hope).
ReplyDeleteKeep talking about Trent. Keep smiling about Trent. Feel his love for you. <3
I cried knowing that your children are crying themselves to sleep. That breaks my heart. I pray God wraps His arms around you and your little ones in comfort.
ReplyDelete