Apostolic Witness

The last week has been incredibly hard.  I have cried buckets, been mad at the world, and lost myself in misery.  At times I have thought how awful this life is to have to endure it without Trent.  He is so lucky!  He will only miss me for a minute and then I will be there with him, but I have to endure many years of missing him.  I have prayed like never before, looking for peace and comfort.  At times I have felt that peace but somehow I always chase it away.

Last night I was starting into the mad phase again.  My mom and dad talked to me for about an hour trying to help.  I am not sure that any particular thing they said helped but I was trying not to negate everything they were saying.  I was really trying to open my mind and heart to get some peace.  Today is fast Sunday so I opened my fast last night.  I woke up this morning with a smile on my face!  That hasn't happened for a while and I kind of liked it!

I was a little apprehensive about going to church today and being reminded of the services that were held for Trent in those same rooms that I would attend Relief Society and Sacrament meeting.  But it didn't even enter my mind.  Okay, part way through the meeting it did but it wasn't upsetting like I thought it would be.  I was feeling very calm and peaceful.  Even when they talked about how a woman can't raise her children alone and really needs the father to step in and help her.  I suppose I will have to get used to hearing those things and remember that Trent will be near.  He was such a "hands on dad", I know he won't leave his children to grow up alone.

In Sacrament meeting I knew I had to bear my testimony when my heart was thumping out of my chest.  As I got to the pulpit, I rubbed my hands up and down the podium and I remember thinking I did the exact same thing when I gave Trent's eulogy in that very same spot.  I was pretty emotional but was able to bear my testimony of a loving Heavenly Father who provides for and blesses us before we even know we need it.  I know that the miracle we were praying for was withheld for a reason.  I wish it wasn't so, but I know we will be blessed in even more miraculous ways than we could have imagined.  I have to put my faith in the Lord knowing that He sees the whole picture and my view is so limited.  That is hard though, when what we are living is so painful.

After church my parents were not here so after waiting a while for them, the kids and I decided to eat without them.  Just as we were finishing up my parents came home and said there was someone outside who wanted to talk to me.  I walked outside to see Neil L. Anderson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles stretching out his hand to me.

He offered his condolences and told me how proud he was of me for my faith.  He asked if Trent had been ill for long and I told him Trent had been sick for 2 1/2 years.  He asked if there was anything he could do and I kind of laughed/cried and said, "Yeah, tell me when the Second Coming is!"  He just smiled an empathetic smile and put his hand on my shoulder.  Darn it!

Each of the kids came out and met him as well.  Of course, Jonny introduced himself as Jonorias instead of Jonathan.  (Trent used to tell Jonny stories about a knight in shining armor whose name was Jonorias and now that is the only name Jonathan will use.)  Mallory just had to be dressed in full princess get up that moment too.  Jarom made sure to do a lengthy, multi-step, end-with-a-snap handshake. Megan and Zach were perfect little adults with him.

Elder Anderson talked with us and said he did not know why sometimes young people are called and it can seem so hard, but he promised us that we will be happy again and we will have joy.  He then told us that he has a perfect knowledge of life after death and that we will be with Trent again.  WOW.  I was so humbled to be in the presence of one of the Twelve Apostles and hear him give his apostolic witness of Christ and the Plan of Salvation.  I hope the kids caught on to that, but if they didn't, you can be sure that will be the topic of Family Home Evening tomorrow night!

Elder Anderson asked the kids to let him know when they turn in their mission papers because he wants to look at each of them.  He also said he would come back and perform their marriages in the temple.  It was amazing and definitely a blessing for our little family.