Zach started out the day by flying the flag at half mast in honor of Trent. His last words to me before he headed out the door were, "Mom please try to have a good day." He is so sweet and knew that today was likely to be a tough one.
Before I got dressed I knelt to pray for help for this day specifically. I felt impressed to call a woman I have never met who is in a similar situation as myself. We ended up talking for almost three hours. She was great and so honest with me. I found I could relate to her and the things she shared very easily.
I prayed again that I could find things to occupy my time and my mind so I could make it through the day and felt that I should go see a woman in our ward who has also recently lost her husband. I grabbed Jonny and we left right then. We had a nice little walk up to her house and ended up spending the afternoon talking with her and playing with her grandchildren. It felt so good! I was talking and laughing almost like I did before. Of course, I was crying too. But it still felt good. I think I am going to try doing some indexing for genealogy to keep myself busy and she is going to teach me how.
We decided not to count how much time since Trent's passing. Instead we are going to count how much closer we are to being with Trent again. So we headed to the store and all picked a balloon, attached a note, and went to the cemetery to celebrate being one month closer.
Jarom, Zach, Megan, Jonny, and Mallory getting ready to let go! |
Zach's balloon just didn't have enough 'umpff' to lift off. We tried several times. Yes, there were more tears. I told Zach the same thing I told Mallory. My heart was breaking for him! Finally he taped the note to the balloon and took off the string. That did it! It finally rose, slowly but surely, into the sky.
We finished off the night with shakes from McDonald's and a car full of teenage boys hooting at us. Megan was sure they were after me but I am pretty sure they were just being nerds. She opened her window and yelled at them, then they were especially interested!
The last few days have been pretty hard. There have been some good moments but those seem to get overshadowed by extreme grief. I made the mistake Wednesday night of going to RS to hear a man speak about his near death experience. I thought there might be a nugget of hope in there somewhere that was just for me. Instead I saw horrible hospital pictures that were extremely hard to see and ended up jumping up and running out as soon as he said 'Amen'. I ran to my friend's car and as soon as we had both slammed our doors I burst into tears. That was a hard night.
Thursday morning I was miserable so I prayed for help. The answer came very clearly to go to the temple. So I did. It was beautiful at first and I felt that Trent was near me. By the time I got to the Celestial Room I was sobbing uncontrollably and it lasted for about twenty minutes. There was another woman crying and she came over to me and just squeezed my hand and said, "Hang on, just hang on...it will be okay." I hugged her and whispered, "When?" She just repeated, "Hang on."
I think Zach is getting tired of hearing me sob every night. I can't help it though. Every time I kneel down to pray the tears just come. People have said that the pain never goes away you just deal with it. I can't imagine living the rest of my life in this kind of pain. But I do find hope in being one month closer.
One of the best things that you can do to fight through grief is lose yourself in the service of others. You did that today. Good job. We are all praying for you.
ReplyDelete1 month closer. We have been thinking about you and Trent all day long. As always, prayers are being said in your behalf.
ReplyDeleteI promise with everything I have and know that it will not always be this bad. Our Heavenly Father would never want you to spend the rest of your life hurting like this. That is not his plan at all. Your process will be individual to you. But I know that one day you will wake up and feel like it's not hurting as bad as yesterday and you will be able to go on. I wish I could remove this bitter cup from you but I know I can't. I will always be there for you. I know I am so in the background, but my prayers for your healing are prayed on a daily basis. You just totally changed my thinking....I will no longer lament, "oh it's been a month since he left." It will be, we are a month, 6 months, a year closer to reunion and it will come so much faster that way. Thank you for that perspective. I am off to Phoenix to the temple. I need it too and I will try to feel of his wonderful spirit.
ReplyDeleteWow, I like that line of thinking! We are closer to that big family reunion. What a great way to spend the anniversary date of his passing. To be moving closer rather than further away for when you all will be together again. Trent is proud of you Holly, for your ability to get up each day and attend those extra things that may help you to heal. Many people would stay in bed and fall into a deep depression. Your involvement in attending the temple, Relief Society, visiting those that morn, and attivities with the kids will bring about those happy and strengthening moments that you can do this and be that much closer to being with Trent. In the Book of Mormon it says, "ours lives did pass away as if it were unto us a dream." As Trent says, "love you all to life."
ReplyDeleteHonestly, that is the only way to see it... So proud of you guys for celebrating the joy that you are one month closer despite the difficulty of the reality of the evening. I am so grateful that you know of people that you can call upon. Sometimes it is the easiest to be with and talk with someone that has some similarities, unfortunately I some times still often feel alone with that.
ReplyDeleteHere's to another month closer. =)
THAT is such a beautiful idea! So hopeful and uplifting. Literally!
ReplyDeleteYou continue to amaze with your faith and endurance. Prayers still said for you daily.
"one month closer"... beautiful. absolutely beautiful!!
What a beautiful tribute. Our family still prays for you morning, noon, and night. You are in our hearts. I saw you leaving the dedication with your mom and dad on Sunday. Your dad said such a beautiful prayer and I thought of you when he invited "those loved ones who have passed on" to be present. You will love indexing. Hopefully you will find it to be as addictive as I have. Maybe that will help fill your days. Love you!
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