Gratitude

I am still struggling each day and some days are better than others.  Some times of the day are better than others.  Since Trent passed away I have read a billion books on death and grief.  I started reading the book on grief I picked up at Seagull for my birthday.  The author really stresses that you have to choose not to dwell on the negative thoughts and replace them with positive thoughts.  I don't really have negative thoughts about Trent, minus the ugliness he endured during cancer.   I do have a lot of negative thoughts about what I have lost, what will never be the same, and what should have been. I find myself replaying the events of his passing and the sadness that brings.  It still breaks my heart each time I remember that he really is gone.

Last night I was having a particularly hard time while putting the kids to bed.  I had sent the little ones to bed and told them I would be in to read them a story shortly.  I thought I was being quiet enough to cry for just a minute, but apparently not. Mallory came back in my room and wrapped her arms around me and whispered in my ear, "Mommy, I am so sorry you are sad.  I am sorry that you have to go through this."  She is such a sweet little thing and I am sure she has heard someone else tell me those things.  But I know she doesn't like to see me sad either.  She told me she cried herself to sleep last night, thinking about Trent.  She also keeps a journal and writes things she remembers about Trent.  I hope she never runs out of memories to write down.

Last night and this morning I prayed so hard that I could be positive and find things to be grateful for each day.  So, today I am grateful that Trent is out of pain, that he no longer has to endure the heartache and suffering of his mortal body.  I am grateful that we have five beautiful children together that make me strong and wrap their arms around me when I am weak.  I am extremely grateful for our temple marriage and the blessings and promises that are ours.  Lastly, I am grateful that I am the one who "managed" the household.  I know how to register and maintain our cars, insurance, finances, etc.  I have always been the one to take care of that stuff.  When I was pregnant with our second child I sat Trent down and showed him what bills we paid and how to do it.  I was thinking he could give me a break for a month or two after the baby was born.  Boy was I wrong!  The next morning he woke up with a mouth full of canker sores from stress.  That was the first and last time he ever paid a bill. :)