Feed your FAITH and your fears will starve .

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Out of the Mouths of Babes-or Mallory

Just when I think I am doing pretty well I get slammed back by something or someone and the hurt starts all over again.  The days are pretty much up and down over and over again.

Yesterday morning was going along fine, it was late start for Megan and Zach, so I decided to cut Zach's hair before he left for school.  Something set him off and he sobbed the whole time I cut his hair.  That of course, got me going as well.  I told him he didn't have to go to school if he didn't want to.  He decided to stay home with me.  We loaded up Jonathan and got Scout on the leash and walked up to the cemetery.  Duh, no dogs in the cemetery so we walked on by.  We had a nice talk while we walked and I think we were both feeling better after that.

Yesterday was also Jonathan's first day of preschool at the library so Zach came along.  He loves the library and the day was shaping up just fine for him.

1st Day of Preschool!
 Jonathan had a blast and was very vocal in class...oops.  To celebrate we went to McDonald's for lunch and headed to a park to eat.  It was really nice to hang with just two kids at once...I actually heard everything they said and even responded to most of it. :)
Zach and Jonny loving "Nick Knock Donalds" as Jonny calls it.

Me and 1/2 of my boys
Last night was another tough one for me.  We went to Layton to watch Jarom's soccer game and met up with some friends there.  We had dinner at their house and just hung out for a while.  It was fun and the kids were having a blast but my heart was not all the way there.  I was missing Trent so much and this was  exactly the type of night that he would have loved.  On the way home I bawled and bawled.  The kids were watching a movie so most of them were oblivious but Zach was sitting in the front seat and kept asking if I was okay.  I am not sure if he was worried about me or his safety.  I have to say, I am getting pretty darn good at driving safely and bawling at the same time.  I just can't believe that this is my life...and there is no way around this.

This morning this is what I found in Mallory's room.  She made her bed so pretty and made sure that Trent's picture was tucked in nicely by "Dupa".
This evening everyone except Megan went for a bike ride.  It was so nice to get out and do something fun and carefree for a while.  The kids had fun and Jonny fell asleep, which is always a nice bonus!  I decided that I have to make sure the kids have some joy every day and eventually I will share that joy.  I have been so wrapped up in how much losing Trent hurts me that I haven't really tried to ease their pain by adding joy to their lives.  I hurt for them, I am mad at the unfairness of life for them, I grieve for their loss as well.  But it doesn't change anything for them.  I have to be better for them.

We were cleaning up a little before bedtime and my little songbird a.k.a. Mallory was in a world of her own. (Just as a side note, earlier this evening we were eating dinner outside and Mallory ran into the house to use the restroom. Pretty soon we heard the most angelic, clear voice coming from the bathroom window singing, "Come Thou Fount".  What 7 year old knows that song?  We had a little chuckle over that one.)  Anyway, as she was singing she was making up her own words and melody.  I quickly realized she was singing as if she were Trent.  I don't remember all the words in order but it went something like this:

I miss you so much. You don't see me but I see you. I don't have a body like you but we are the same.  It hurts me so much to be away from you but I love you forever.  I want to be with you all the time.  You are the only one I love.  Someday I will be back alive.  It is coming quick, it is coming quick.  How will I make it without you? I love you.  I know you can do this I have faith in you.  Just because I am not on the ground with you doesn't mean I am not there with you.  I am with you all the time.

I was trying as hard as I could to remember everything she was saying.  It was so cute and I loved every word!  Tonight I am grateful for my little songbird.  I feel as though I have been personally serenaded by Trent. :)


  1. Oh my the ups and downs of this experience. What an angelic group of children you have surrounding you. What a help. They help me just to read of their sweet little efforts. Amazing song, Mal. What wonderful and meaningful words. What seven year old?? Really, Holly, itis like you get messages all the time. It's so beautiful.

  2. I am so glad that you are writing these special things down that come from the mouth of your sweet babes. Every time my children tell me a memory or a special dream they have, I write it down. It's so nice to have a collection of memories to go back and read. I too continue to be touched by my kids wisdom beyond their years, such beautiful angels in our lives, Heavenly Father knew we would need to lean on them to help keep our faith strong. I'm so grateful that Heavenly Father knows exactly what we need to hear, and sends it in a way that he knows that we can hear it and most importantly welcome it in a way that we can accept it. So keep listening through those tears Holly. It's some of the best personal revelation ever.

  3. You don't know me.....I found your blog through one of my friends on Facebook but know that you touched my life! My family is praying for you!!! You are an AMAZINGLY strong woman and I just want you to know that! Thank you for sharing your thoughts so honestly and openly with the world! Quite a few of us are following you now......we love you and will continue to do so! We are SO sorry for your families loss and pray you will find some small comfort in knowing you are helping others out there! Thank you for being SO brave!