The past two days have been awful. Friday and Saturday was our city celebration, Peach Days. On Friday I went with Jonathan and my mom to see all the booths. At one booth a gentleman was trying to sell me spices. He kept saying, "Yeah, your husband is going to look like the greatest BBQ master if he uses this rub!" I know he wasn't malicious and I don't fault him, but it cut like a knife.
Saturday we went to the Parade and everywhere I looked there were families, with a dad. Ugh. That was all just a bit too much for me. Then I went to the cemetery to find ideas for a headstone. There were hundreds of companion headstones with one spouse still living. I kept thinking, "How do you do it? How do you even go on?" After that, I spent the rest of the day in bed, bawling.
Sunday I thought I was a little better. Jonny had to give a talk in Primary and I was helping him practice. He was sitting on my lap in front of my computer which has a picture of Trent as the screen saver. He looked up and said, "Hi Dad, I love you." He was confused when Trent didn't answer him. He thought it was SKYPE and that Trent would respond. Ouch. After that I was a little teary but not too bad. Then before sacrament meeting started the membership clerk brought me a copy of our records reflecting the "change". That set me off. He was very kind and almost apologetic when he handed them to me, I am sure he knew that was not going to be easy for me to see. Then the opening hymn was "Be Still My Soul", a song that was sung at Trent's funeral. I didn't even get out a book. I just sat there like a statue, staring straight ahead while tears trickled down my cheeks. I felt myself sliding further and further down in my seat throughout the meeting. The wind had completely gone out of my sails and I was ready to be alone. As soon as the meeting was over I practically ran out of the building. A woman in our ward stopped me and said, "I know church is hard..." my instant reply was, "EVERYTHING is hard." She gave me a small, framed saying that read, "Fear thou not, I am with thee." She said it didn't only refer to God. That set me off bawling again.
After dinner Zach, Megan, and myself went back to the church to get recommends to attend the BC temple dedication. Bishop spoke with me first. It was nice to talk to him and I am glad he took that extra time with me. He said that times like this tend to shake us to the core and test the very foundation of our faith. My faith is still intact although I have many, many questions that I would LOVE to have answered right now. Some people have said, "Trent has a greater mission to fulfill right now on the other side." Please take my advice and don't ever say that to anyone again. It is not helpful. It just makes it hurt even worse. What greater mission could he have than to raise his children on earth? I like to think that Trent's heart is just a broken as mine and that he feels the loss just as we do.
Last night Mallory had a little breakdown because she couldn't find all the special pictures she had drawn for Trent. He had been trying to teach her to draw a flower and she had one picture that she was so proud of. Unfortunately, it is gone. We looked everywhere. All I could do was hold her while she sobbed. I tried to tell her that she could draw a new one just for Daddy and he would be able to see it. It is just not the same and she knows it.
After scripture study last night I told the kids that the first thing I am going to do when I see Trent is punch him in the chest for leaving us. Sometimes I really feel like that! But really, I know I will run to him and jump in his arms and kiss all over his handsome face! Mallory told me about a dream she had that someone sat in Trent's place at the dinner table and when I looked up, it was Trent. She said I started screaming, "Where do I kiss, where do I kiss?" I thought that was pretty funny but was more glad that she understands just how happy I will be to see him again.
Although the last few days have been horrible and I expect many more like that in the future, I know this, God lives. His Son, Jesus Christ atoned for our sins and overcame death so that we can be together as families eternally. We are shaken, for sure, but our foundation is strong as is our resolve to be worthy of the blessings we have been promised.
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Holly, there isn't anything I can say or do to make it better. But I can be your friend and listen. Know that I am doing that with every blog entry that you post.
ReplyDelete:( Press forward, my dear sister! I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It is ugly. You can do it, though. We will cheer you on the whole way, and what a great day it will be when you are together again! Until then, you will start to learn to dance in the rain.
ReplyDeleteI have an entire list of things NOT to say to someone who has just lost a spouse. I've heard them ALL, and I know you've heard your share, too. Just remember what I told you about people trying to make themselves feel better. They mean well, they really do. Sometimes people (myself included) open our mouths and try to find words to help, when in reality, there are NO words. Most times, a simple hug is enough.
ReplyDeleteI wish I was there to cry beside you. To validate every single thing you are thinking and feeling. To give you a hug. To protect you in some way, somehow. Thank you so very much for sharing your path. I remember thinking we weren't in the proverbial trenches together anymore, how very wrong I was. It's an honor to be in the trenches with you Holly.
ReplyDeleteHolly, all I can say is that you are an amazing example. You went to church even though it was difficult. You spend time doing activities with your kids even though it is a very hard time for you. When you are ready, please get out your patriarchal blessing and also Trent's and read them and if any of your children have them. Take your time. Maybe you've already done this, if so don't worry about this. But I know that Heavenly Father knows you need answers and maybe He planned for this and how to help you a little bit through your blessing. Maybe there are just certain words used over and over again. Maybe you won't notice anything this time but keep reading it and praying about it as often as you need to. I'm sure it won't be easy. Know that I'll be praying that you'll receive the answers you need no matter how they come.
ReplyDeleteHolly,
ReplyDeleteWe have never met, but I worked with Trent for several years. Even after almost seven years I still consider Trent a good friend. I have followed your ups and downs and was devastated when he passed. A few months ago my brother and his wife lost a son unexpectedly. They have struggled with that loss and I referred them to your blog just a few days ago. They are struggling with similar feelings and have asked if it is possible to contact you through email. If you feel uncomfortable giving out your information I completely understand. If you would like to know about their situation you can visit http://ryanlottupdates.blogspot.com/ to see who they are. After that if you feel you would like to be in contact with them you can find my email through following the link to my blog, then find the "profile" tab. I will keep my email open for a while if you wish to respond. Thank you for your example of faith and devotion to your husband and children. You will never know the amount of people you inspire through your words and deeds.
My best wishes for you and your family.
Chris Lott
I know that all the things people say and truly mean in sympathy can be so hard. Of course they are. Who wants to be consoled when all you want is to be In your sweethearts arms. Who wants to hear it will heal eventually when you don't want to HEAL. You want him back. You want him to walk in the door so you can know it was just a hideous dream. You want him to put on his Nebraska sweatshirt and yell for the Huskers. You want to go out to dinner where Trent can eat everything and still want more. Just one more movie, one more family outing. One more one more.......I feel it. I want to make it so but I can't. I know the Savior will give us answers but it's hard to wait. Does he hurt and wish for you. Of course he does, you are the love of his life. But he does have a vision that we don't at this point. I wish we could see it and know it. But as always we have to push the limit of our faith. We don't know everything but we know enough. Listen for his help. Trent is close, just not close enough, huh!!!
ReplyDeleteI don't even know what to say except that I am crying and grieving with you. You have touched many lives with your testimony and sharing your true/raw emotions. Lots of love, prayer, comfort and healing to you, Holly, and your dear sweet family.
ReplyDeleteYou and your family are still in my thoughts and will always be in my heart. Know I am here if you need anything...I intend to keep my promise to Trent.
ReplyDelete