Serenity and Joy

Friday I had the opportunity to be an usher at the Brigham City Temple open house.  I had two previous assignments which I did not fulfill because one was the day after Trent coded and the other was a week after he died.  So this was my first chance to go.  I was not really sure I wanted to do it at all.  But it is a once in a lifetime chance and I thought I might regret it if I didn't at least try it.  I gave myself the option to leave if it was just too hard.  I was assigned to the RED group which is stationed on the temple grounds and in the parking lot.  When they were dividing us up they asked if anyone who had not had the chance to serve inside the temple would like to.  I kept my hand down.  I figured I would do a lot better if I was outside.

I started out in the parking lot where the tour groups walked by after coming out of the video rooms.  I stood in the corner and pointed the direction for people to follow the line.  I was supposed to smile and be welcoming.  Honestly I was having a bit of a hard time smiling.  I had only been there a couple of minutes when out of the corner of my eye I saw a tall, dark haired man in a white shirt and tie with a black strap going across his chest.  I caught my breath for just a second, then remembered it was not Trent.  Trent always carried our diaper bag or the ipad bag across his chest like that.

About an hour later my supervisor, Sis. Frandsen, came to check on me.  I asked her about her last name and told her that was my maiden name, although we didn't know of any relation.  As we were talking she assumed that I had been an usher several times before.  I told her I hadn't and briefly explained why.  She said, "You seem to be doing very well."  My reply was that it was all a facade and tried to laugh it off a little. A few minutes later she came back and said, "Follow me, we are moving you."

I followed her inside the temple and up three floors to the Celestial Room.  My heart was racing a bit and I was thinking I was not sure I wanted to be there.  She put me right in front of the sign that read:

"Celestial Room: This room symbolizes the serenity and joy we are promised when we return to live in the presence of God and Jesus Christ."

I read that over and over as I stood there, genuinely smiling at all of the guests.  I am promised serenity and joy.  I will have joy again.  That hit me like a ton of bricks. Although the joy is awfully hard to find right now, it is promised to me eternally.

A short while later as I was reading the sign for probably the fiftieth time, it occurred to me that Trent already has that serenity and joy and I would never want to take that away from him by wishing him back to me.  I love him way too much.   I had such a renewed sense of strength, standing there in the celestial room, watching all the guests in their reverent awe of the beautiful building they were in.  I can only imagine how great it will be to have that feeling of peace all the time when Trent and I are reunited.

As I was leaving temple at 10:30 pm I felt a rush of tears hit me.  I was walking the three blocks to my car, in the dark, late at night.  Even though it is Brigham City and nothing really ever happens there, Trent would have not liked that one bit.  It hit me that there is no one to feel protective of me anymore, or to worry about my safety.  That was a very lonely thought and I stumbled to my car and sobbed for about twenty minutes.  I finally drove home and went straight to bed and cried for another hour.

It is interesting to me how much my thoughts turn to what I have lost and not what I still have. I don't focus on the blessings that are mine or those that are promised me in the future.  I guess that is the grief process though.  Everywhere I look I am reminded of what I have lost and until I change my thinking, that is all I will see.  So, this week, no maybe just today, no probably just this hour...I am looking for serenity and joy.