The Mighty Swing of the Pendulum

Yesterday was my birthday, the first one without Trent.  I was pretty nervous that I would be a wreck all day.  I got up and prayed a very fervent prayer to help me be happy, if not for myself, at least for my kids.  By mid morning I had only cried a few times which I thought was pretty good!

I was completely spoiled yesterday.  I had many friends and family trying to make sure I had a good day and they mostly succeeded.  I think it helped that I was kept pretty busy all day too.  I went to get a drink with my mom and Jonathan and afterwards we went to Seagull book where I bought myself a couple of presents. One was a book on Hope that Trent had actually purchased for me for Mother's Day but we ended up giving it to his Mom when she came for his lung surgery.  As I was purchasing that book, the salesgirl recommended another book on grief.  Funny thing, I didn't tell her anything about my situation and I didn't know her.  I took that as I sign that I might need to get the book she recommended, so I did.

In the evening Jarom had another soccer game in Morgan so I packed a picnic lunch and took the three youngest with me.  My birthday dinner consisted of a ham and cheese sandwich, eaten while driving down the freeway at 80 mph trying to get back to a photography class that my mom signed me up for.  After wolfing down my dinner and racing to class, I was informed that it doesn't actually start for three more weeks.  That's convenient. :s

While we were waiting for Megan to come home to have a party, my mood was rapidly declining.  First, Megan should have been home but wasn't and it was getting late.  I looked for my phone to text her but couldn't find it anywhere.  Jarom had taken it and wrapped it up as a present for me...aarrgghh.  So I made him unwrap it and then he felt bad.  Strike one.  Then Megan wasn't answering her phone or responding to texts-something I absolutely hate!  Strike two.  About this time Zach came to me with the wreath I had just finished making (it was supposed to me mind-numbing work to keep me from thinking too much), only when he brought it to me it was in two pieces.  No joke, I had finished it maybe four hours earlier and already he had broken it.  Strike three.  I was mad and I knew I was ruining the evening for everyone but in that moment I couldn't help it.

Right then Greg and Erin showed up and I had to put on my happy face for them.  I am pretty sure they saved the evening.  I was actually able to laugh and joke a little bit while we ate cake and ice cream and opened presents.  Mallory had "stolen" my journal and pasted a bunch of pictures of Trent on one of the pages.  That was her gift to me.  She is pretty sweet.

I talked with Greg and Erin for a bit but could feel myself getting teary.  Night time is hard for me.  After they left I went downstairs and cried for about 1 1/2 hours before I fell asleep.  The ache is so real and the fact that it is not going to change anytime soon is so maddening.  I am putting all my hope in the Second Coming but I also know that is probably some form of denial.  I look at Trent's picture and some part of me still hopes it is all a bad dream and that if I prayed hard enough he would come back.

Today I figured I needed to get myself going so I got up and took Jonathan and our dog, Scout, for a jog.  I was doing fine for most of it but then suddenly found myself sobbing.  Let me tell you, it is not easy to jog, push a stroller, drag (or be dragged by) a dog, and cry all at the same time.  In fact, it is probably dangerous.  

The exercise was great but I still had my morning bawl in the shower and several times since then.  I notified all the credit agencies today of Trent's death and bawled the whole time.  On one of the websites it was explaining how they take care of the notifications and at the bottom it said that after a year the credit report will no longer exist.  Ouch.  That is exactly what I am afraid of!  Someday Trent's paper trail will no longer exist!  That gets me worrying that someday I will forget all the fun things about him, the way he smells, the way he sounds, the way he moves.  Then I start to worry that I will forget how to love him because he is not here for me to see, touch, hear, and talk to.  I know, I am a basket case right now.  But in my defense, I knew this would happen.  I have said all along that after this is over I am going to need a spot on the funny farm.  It has just been so much for so long and there is no end in sight.  It seems that the clock is ticking so slowly.  If only I could make that pendulum swing just a bit faster!  Oh wait, I am probably supposed to be learning patience now.  Sigh...