A Year of Firsts

We are well into the year of firsts.  Last week right after the funeral I was filling out all the kids' emergency contact forms from the schools.  They now have only one guardian listed.  That was an ugly first.  I have begun the business of closing down Trent's subscriptions and online accounts.  Then there is all the "death paperwork" to do.  Yesterday I went to the DMV to cancel his license.  They let me keep it even though I wasn't sure I wanted it.  The picture was taken last year and he was sick looking.  I don't think of him that way when I remember him.  I am having a hard time taking care of all this business because it feels like each step I take erases a little bit more of Trent's existence and someday there will be no paper trail of Trent Hal Rasmussen.

Wednesday we celebrated the first birthday in our family without Trent.  I tried very hard to make it a fun day for Jonathan because he was so excited to turn four.  We did all the normal things like decorate and make a poster of Jonny.  My heart wasn't in it though.  Trent loved birthdays and made a big deal out of all of them because in his words, "It matters."  We went to Jarom's soccer game and then ate dinner at KFC on the way home.  I realized as we were sitting there that we fit easily in the booth because of our even number of people.  Our family isn't supposed to be like that.  Yuck.   I was pretty teary all day long and by the end of the day I was ready to be through with this whole life.  I don't really want to face a year of firsts, and seconds, and thirds.  I can't imagine that it will really be any easier as time goes by.  I usually have myself a real good cry in the morning in the shower and then try to temper myself the rest of the day.

Yesterday was not too terrible though.  I took Jonathan with me to run some errands and while we were waiting for the car to be inspected we went to Family Dollar.  Jonathan immediately began pointing out all the candy that he knows Daddy loves.  He was right about every single one.  Finally he picked up a six pack of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and said, "Dad would be so proud of me if I brought these home for him!  He LOVES these!"  Of course, I bought them.  Jonathan kept telling me all day that Daddy would be home to eat his treat soon.  Yeah, I wish.  Instead, we had them for a treat after scripture study last night.

I am torn right now between keeping myself so busy that I don't have time to think about Trent, and wallowing in memories all day long.  I have even found myself avoiding looking at Trent' picture because I know it will make me cry but at the same time I can't seem to take my eyes away from it.  I put Trent's picture as my profile picture on FB but every time I look at it I get a little stab in my stomach.  Ugh.  If only I could press the fast forward button on this life and just get on with the next one.  That is the year of firsts I am looking forward to.