Love from Home

Friday night I had a nice chat with Michael Ceizla, a current stake president from Germany, who served in Brigham City on his mission when I was sixteen.  He was in town for the BC Temple dedication.  He looked exactly the same, well almost, as he did then.  I was instantly comfortable with him, just as I was when I knew him twenty years ago.  He let me cry and vent some of my frustrations and then gently encouraged me to keep moving forward, that eventually I will know happiness and joy again because that is the Lord's plan.  He was just what I needed at that moment.

Saturday was the cultural celebration for the BC temple.  Zach and Megan both had the opportunity to participate.  Trent was really excited for them to be involved in that once-in-a-lifetime event.  I don't have great pictures of them doing it because there were so many kids there!  I know Trent was there watching them and cheering them on.  I thought it would be kind of hard to be there alone, without Trent.  But I didn't feel like he was missing anything.  I am sure he saw more than I did, and I got to sit in the 'grandstand' with all the important people!

I was expecting Sunday to be hard, but so fabulous.  I just knew that Trent would be at the dedication with me.  I got to attend the Sunday morning session in the Celestial Room.  It was amazing.  I was immediately taken under the wing of President Packer, a counselor to my dad and the nephew of President Boyd K. Packer.  His family has shown such love and concern for me and seem to know just when I might need a little 'padding' for a hard day.  He put his arm around me and whispered to me that he was certain that Trent would be in attendance that day and although life is tough, there are many people praying for me and encouraging me to be strong.  I do think Trent was there and it brought a special spirit of peace to me.  Later I attended the second session at the church with the kids and was hoping for a great spiritual experience there but was a little disappointed at my lack of receptiveness. I  was really missing Trent's voice and just wanted to talk to him.  I went home and watched a video of Trent that I took the night before his big lung surgery.  Oh how I miss him!  I had a good cry and finished out the day being somewhat somber and quiet.

That night at scripture study Jonathan told me that if I would stop sleeping on Dad's side of the bed, he would come back.  That must really be bugging him because he has told me that before.  I wish it were that simple!  

I finally spoke with Angelique, the social worker from the Huntsman.  Trent made her promise that she would take care of me and she has called a couple of times to talk but I have not returned her calls.  I was finally ready and called her.  She is sooooo good for me.  Among other things, she told me that I was strong and she knew I could handle this because I am a 'brick'.  I said, "Yeah, a sinking brick!"  She decided that maybe being a sponge was better so that I could eventually float.  Since Trent passed away I have soaked up every ounce of knowledge about death, grief, the spirit world, and the Second Coming that I can.  I feel kind of like a sponge!  I crave any information I can get-surprise, surprise I know.  That is how I deal with things...I need to know as much as I can before I can settle into my comfort zone with the situation.  With each concept learned or re-learned, I feel just a bit lighter, like the burden is somewhat less than before, and I do think that eventually I will float.  The problem is that it is such an up and down roller coaster each day and it seems as though I make the same progress each time, only to be dragged back down by loneliness, anger, and sadness.

Today I had to go to the Social Security Office.  When my name was called I was sure that the man who would be helping me knew more than I thought he knew.  He had a look in his eyes that told me that.  As soon as I sat down I started to cry.  The man just looked and me at told me he was sorry and that he would do everything he could to make the process easy for me.  He then went on to tell me that he had been told I would be coming and was given a little background by two of my high school friends who work there.  They had asked him to make sure that he did everything he could to take care of me and get any/every benefit I could.  I was impressed and touched by their concern.  As the meeting continued I learned that he had also lost his spouse to cancer three years prior and was left with five children to raise.  I instantly felt a connection to him and felt comfortable enough to ask some very personal questions which he willingly answered for me. It turned out to be a much better experience for me than I had anticipated. He was exactly what I needed and I am so grateful that the Lord is watching out for me and providing the people I need at just the right time.

After our meeting ended I met my friend Stephanie for lunch. Her husband passed away two years ago.  It is always good to talk to her because she is so open and honest about her feelings.  I cannot deny that I am being blessed tremendously and that the Lord, and Trent, are doing everything they can to lead me through this trial.  Unfortunately I keep begging for a way around it instead.  I know that is not how it works so right now, this minute, I am grateful for the love being poured out abundantly from my eternal home.