The Daddy ABC's

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I want so badly to have every single thing of Trent recorded so no one forgets him or his funny sense of humor, his cute smile, his gentle manner, or his joy.  This is the first of many books I plan to make.  This was an easy one for me, a fun way for Jonathan to know Daddy and learn his ABC's.  The other books are harder to start.  I thought I would dive right in and get them done but I am finding it much harder to look at all the pictures.  At first it was such a comfort to me and I loved watching his movie.  But the last couple of weeks it has been harder to see those things.  It just reminds me that Trent is not here, now.  I look at the pictures and a piece of my heart breaks over and over.  In time I hope that will change-it is probably just the ebb and flow of grief and right now the tide is out.  

Out of the Mouths of Babes-or Mallory

Just when I think I am doing pretty well I get slammed back by something or someone and the hurt starts all over again.  The days are pretty much up and down over and over again.

Yesterday morning was going along fine, it was late start for Megan and Zach, so I decided to cut Zach's hair before he left for school.  Something set him off and he sobbed the whole time I cut his hair.  That of course, got me going as well.  I told him he didn't have to go to school if he didn't want to.  He decided to stay home with me.  We loaded up Jonathan and got Scout on the leash and walked up to the cemetery.  Duh, no dogs in the cemetery so we walked on by.  We had a nice talk while we walked and I think we were both feeling better after that.

Yesterday was also Jonathan's first day of preschool at the library so Zach came along.  He loves the library and the day was shaping up just fine for him.

1st Day of Preschool!

 Jonathan had a blast and was very vocal in class...oops.  To celebrate we went to McDonald's for lunch and headed to a park to eat.  It was really nice to hang with just two kids at once...I actually heard everything they said and even responded to most of it. :)

Zach and Jonny loving "Nick Knock Donalds" as Jonny calls it.

Me and 1/2 of my boys

Last night was another tough one for me.  We went to Layton to watch Jarom's soccer game and met up with some friends there.  We had dinner at their house and just hung out for a while.  It was fun and the kids were having a blast but my heart was not all the way there.  I was missing Trent so much and this was  exactly the type of night that he would have loved.  On the way home I bawled and bawled.  The kids were watching a movie so most of them were oblivious but Zach was sitting in the front seat and kept asking if I was okay.  I am not sure if he was worried about me or his safety.  I have to say, I am getting pretty darn good at driving safely and bawling at the same time.  I just can't believe that this is my life...and there is no way around this.

This morning this is what I found in Mallory's room.  She made her bed so pretty and made sure that Trent's picture was tucked in nicely by "Dupa".

This evening everyone except Megan went for a bike ride.  It was so nice to get out and do something fun and carefree for a while.  The kids had fun and Jonny fell asleep, which is always a nice bonus!  I decided that I have to make sure the kids have some joy every day and eventually I will share that joy.  I have been so wrapped up in how much losing Trent hurts me that I haven't really tried to ease their pain by adding joy to their lives.  I hurt for them, I am mad at the unfairness of life for them, I grieve for their loss as well.  But it doesn't change anything for them.  I have to be better for them.

We were cleaning up a little before bedtime and my little songbird a.k.a. Mallory was in a world of her own. (Just as a side note, earlier this evening we were eating dinner outside and Mallory ran into the house to use the restroom. Pretty soon we heard the most angelic, clear voice coming from the bathroom window singing, "Come Thou Fount".  What 7 year old knows that song?  We had a little chuckle over that one.)  Anyway, as she was singing she was making up her own words and melody.  I quickly realized she was singing as if she were Trent.  I don't remember all the words in order but it went something like this:

I miss you so much. You don't see me but I see you. I don't have a body like you but we are the same.  It hurts me so much to be away from you but I love you forever.  I want to be with you all the time.  You are the only one I love.  Someday I will be back alive.  It is coming quick, it is coming quick.  How will I make it without you? I love you.  I know you can do this I have faith in you.  Just because I am not on the ground with you doesn't mean I am not there with you.  I am with you all the time.

I was trying as hard as I could to remember everything she was saying.  It was so cute and I loved every word!  Tonight I am grateful for my little songbird.  I feel as though I have been personally serenaded by Trent. :)

Love from Home

Friday night I had a nice chat with Michael Ceizla, a current stake president from Germany, who served in Brigham City on his mission when I was sixteen.  He was in town for the BC Temple dedication.  He looked exactly the same, well almost, as he did then.  I was instantly comfortable with him, just as I was when I knew him twenty years ago.  He let me cry and vent some of my frustrations and then gently encouraged me to keep moving forward, that eventually I will know happiness and joy again because that is the Lord's plan.  He was just what I needed at that moment.

Saturday was the cultural celebration for the BC temple.  Zach and Megan both had the opportunity to participate.  Trent was really excited for them to be involved in that once-in-a-lifetime event.  I don't have great pictures of them doing it because there were so many kids there!  I know Trent was there watching them and cheering them on.  I thought it would be kind of hard to be there alone, without Trent.  But I didn't feel like he was missing anything.  I am sure he saw more than I did, and I got to sit in the 'grandstand' with all the important people!

I was expecting Sunday to be hard, but so fabulous.  I just knew that Trent would be at the dedication with me.  I got to attend the Sunday morning session in the Celestial Room.  It was amazing.  I was immediately taken under the wing of President Packer, a counselor to my dad and the nephew of President Boyd K. Packer.  His family has shown such love and concern for me and seem to know just when I might need a little 'padding' for a hard day.  He put his arm around me and whispered to me that he was certain that Trent would be in attendance that day and although life is tough, there are many people praying for me and encouraging me to be strong.  I do think Trent was there and it brought a special spirit of peace to me.  Later I attended the second session at the church with the kids and was hoping for a great spiritual experience there but was a little disappointed at my lack of receptiveness. I  was really missing Trent's voice and just wanted to talk to him.  I went home and watched a video of Trent that I took the night before his big lung surgery.  Oh how I miss him!  I had a good cry and finished out the day being somewhat somber and quiet.

That night at scripture study Jonathan told me that if I would stop sleeping on Dad's side of the bed, he would come back.  That must really be bugging him because he has told me that before.  I wish it were that simple!  

I finally spoke with Angelique, the social worker from the Huntsman.  Trent made her promise that she would take care of me and she has called a couple of times to talk but I have not returned her calls.  I was finally ready and called her.  She is sooooo good for me.  Among other things, she told me that I was strong and she knew I could handle this because I am a 'brick'.  I said, "Yeah, a sinking brick!"  She decided that maybe being a sponge was better so that I could eventually float.  Since Trent passed away I have soaked up every ounce of knowledge about death, grief, the spirit world, and the Second Coming that I can.  I feel kind of like a sponge!  I crave any information I can get-surprise, surprise I know.  That is how I deal with things...I need to know as much as I can before I can settle into my comfort zone with the situation.  With each concept learned or re-learned, I feel just a bit lighter, like the burden is somewhat less than before, and I do think that eventually I will float.  The problem is that it is such an up and down roller coaster each day and it seems as though I make the same progress each time, only to be dragged back down by loneliness, anger, and sadness.

Today I had to go to the Social Security Office.  When my name was called I was sure that the man who would be helping me knew more than I thought he knew.  He had a look in his eyes that told me that.  As soon as I sat down I started to cry.  The man just looked and me at told me he was sorry and that he would do everything he could to make the process easy for me.  He then went on to tell me that he had been told I would be coming and was given a little background by two of my high school friends who work there.  They had asked him to make sure that he did everything he could to take care of me and get any/every benefit I could.  I was impressed and touched by their concern.  As the meeting continued I learned that he had also lost his spouse to cancer three years prior and was left with five children to raise.  I instantly felt a connection to him and felt comfortable enough to ask some very personal questions which he willingly answered for me. It turned out to be a much better experience for me than I had anticipated. He was exactly what I needed and I am so grateful that the Lord is watching out for me and providing the people I need at just the right time.

After our meeting ended I met my friend Stephanie for lunch. Her husband passed away two years ago.  It is always good to talk to her because she is so open and honest about her feelings.  I cannot deny that I am being blessed tremendously and that the Lord, and Trent, are doing everything they can to lead me through this trial.  Unfortunately I keep begging for a way around it instead.  I know that is not how it works so right now, this minute, I am grateful for the love being poured out abundantly from my eternal home.

One Month

Has it really only been a month?  It seems like a lifetime has passed since I have heard Trent's voice, touched his skin, woken up next to him.

Zach started out the day by flying the flag at half mast in honor of Trent.  His last words to me before he headed out the door were, "Mom please try to have a good day."  He is so sweet and knew that today was likely to be a tough one.

Before I got dressed I knelt to pray for help for this day specifically.  I felt impressed to call a woman I have never met who is in a similar situation as myself.  We ended up talking for almost three hours.  She was great and so honest with me.  I found I could relate to her and the things she shared very easily.

I prayed again that I could find things to occupy my time and my mind so I could make it through the day and felt that I should go see a woman in our ward who has also recently lost her husband.  I grabbed Jonny and we left right then.  We had a nice little walk up to her house and ended up spending the afternoon talking with her and playing with her grandchildren.  It felt so good!  I was talking and laughing almost like I did before.  Of course, I was crying too.  But it still felt good.  I think I am going to try doing some indexing for genealogy to keep myself busy and she is going to teach me how.

We decided not to count how much time since Trent's passing.  Instead we are going to count how much closer we are to being with Trent again.  So we headed to the store and all picked a balloon, attached a note, and went to the cemetery to celebrate being one month closer.

Jarom, Zach, Megan, Jonny, and Mallory getting ready to let go!

Jonny let go of his balloon early so I only got  five balloons in the shot.

Mallory's balloon got stuck in a tree.  Yes, tears were shed.  I told her that it was okay because Daddy was probably sitting right next to her when she wrote it.  She didn't think so because Megan was sitting there.  Oh well, I know he was there.

Zach's balloon just didn't have enough 'umpff' to lift off.  We tried several times.  Yes, there were more tears.   I told  Zach the same thing I told Mallory.  My heart was breaking for him!  Finally he taped the note to the balloon and took off the string.  That did it!  It finally rose, slowly but surely, into the sky.

We finished off the night with shakes from McDonald's and a car full of teenage boys hooting at us.  Megan was sure they were after me but I am pretty sure they were just being nerds.  She opened her window and yelled at them, then they were especially interested!

The last few days have been pretty hard.  There have been some good moments but those seem to get overshadowed by extreme grief.  I made the mistake Wednesday night of going to RS to hear a man speak about his near death experience.  I thought there might be a nugget of hope in there somewhere that was just for me.  Instead I saw horrible hospital pictures that were extremely hard to see and ended up jumping up and running out as soon as he said 'Amen'.  I ran to my friend's car and as soon as we had both slammed our doors I burst into tears.  That was a hard night.

Thursday morning I was miserable so I prayed for help.  The answer came very clearly to go to the temple.  So I did.  It was beautiful at first and I felt that Trent was near me.  By the time I got to the Celestial Room I was sobbing uncontrollably and it lasted for about twenty minutes.  There was another woman crying and she came over to me and just squeezed my hand and said, "Hang on, just hang on...it will be okay."  I hugged her and whispered, "When?"  She just repeated, "Hang on."

I think Zach is getting tired of hearing me sob every night.  I can't help it though.  Every time I kneel down to pray the tears just come.  People have said that the pain never goes away you just deal with it.  I can't imagine living the rest of my life in this kind of pain.  But I do find hope in being one month closer.

Gratitude

I am still struggling each day and some days are better than others.  Some times of the day are better than others.  Since Trent passed away I have read a billion books on death and grief.  I started reading the book on grief I picked up at Seagull for my birthday.  The author really stresses that you have to choose not to dwell on the negative thoughts and replace them with positive thoughts.  I don't really have negative thoughts about Trent, minus the ugliness he endured during cancer.   I do have a lot of negative thoughts about what I have lost, what will never be the same, and what should have been. I find myself replaying the events of his passing and the sadness that brings.  It still breaks my heart each time I remember that he really is gone.

Last night I was having a particularly hard time while putting the kids to bed.  I had sent the little ones to bed and told them I would be in to read them a story shortly.  I thought I was being quiet enough to cry for just a minute, but apparently not. Mallory came back in my room and wrapped her arms around me and whispered in my ear, "Mommy, I am so sorry you are sad.  I am sorry that you have to go through this."  She is such a sweet little thing and I am sure she has heard someone else tell me those things.  But I know she doesn't like to see me sad either.  She told me she cried herself to sleep last night, thinking about Trent.  She also keeps a journal and writes things she remembers about Trent.  I hope she never runs out of memories to write down.

Last night and this morning I prayed so hard that I could be positive and find things to be grateful for each day.  So, today I am grateful that Trent is out of pain, that he no longer has to endure the heartache and suffering of his mortal body.  I am grateful that we have five beautiful children together that make me strong and wrap their arms around me when I am weak.  I am extremely grateful for our temple marriage and the blessings and promises that are ours.  Lastly, I am grateful that I am the one who "managed" the household.  I know how to register and maintain our cars, insurance, finances, etc.  I have always been the one to take care of that stuff.  When I was pregnant with our second child I sat Trent down and showed him what bills we paid and how to do it.  I was thinking he could give me a break for a month or two after the baby was born.  Boy was I wrong!  The next morning he woke up with a mouth full of canker sores from stress.  That was the first and last time he ever paid a bill. :)

Serenity and Joy

Friday I had the opportunity to be an usher at the Brigham City Temple open house.  I had two previous assignments which I did not fulfill because one was the day after Trent coded and the other was a week after he died.  So this was my first chance to go.  I was not really sure I wanted to do it at all.  But it is a once in a lifetime chance and I thought I might regret it if I didn't at least try it.  I gave myself the option to leave if it was just too hard.  I was assigned to the RED group which is stationed on the temple grounds and in the parking lot.  When they were dividing us up they asked if anyone who had not had the chance to serve inside the temple would like to.  I kept my hand down.  I figured I would do a lot better if I was outside.

I started out in the parking lot where the tour groups walked by after coming out of the video rooms.  I stood in the corner and pointed the direction for people to follow the line.  I was supposed to smile and be welcoming.  Honestly I was having a bit of a hard time smiling.  I had only been there a couple of minutes when out of the corner of my eye I saw a tall, dark haired man in a white shirt and tie with a black strap going across his chest.  I caught my breath for just a second, then remembered it was not Trent.  Trent always carried our diaper bag or the ipad bag across his chest like that.

About an hour later my supervisor, Sis. Frandsen, came to check on me.  I asked her about her last name and told her that was my maiden name, although we didn't know of any relation.  As we were talking she assumed that I had been an usher several times before.  I told her I hadn't and briefly explained why.  She said, "You seem to be doing very well."  My reply was that it was all a facade and tried to laugh it off a little. A few minutes later she came back and said, "Follow me, we are moving you."

I followed her inside the temple and up three floors to the Celestial Room.  My heart was racing a bit and I was thinking I was not sure I wanted to be there.  She put me right in front of the sign that read:

"Celestial Room: This room symbolizes the serenity and joy we are promised when we return to live in the presence of God and Jesus Christ."

I read that over and over as I stood there, genuinely smiling at all of the guests.  I am promised serenity and joy.  I will have joy again.  That hit me like a ton of bricks. Although the joy is awfully hard to find right now, it is promised to me eternally.

A short while later as I was reading the sign for probably the fiftieth time, it occurred to me that Trent already has that serenity and joy and I would never want to take that away from him by wishing him back to me.  I love him way too much.   I had such a renewed sense of strength, standing there in the celestial room, watching all the guests in their reverent awe of the beautiful building they were in.  I can only imagine how great it will be to have that feeling of peace all the time when Trent and I are reunited.

As I was leaving temple at 10:30 pm I felt a rush of tears hit me.  I was walking the three blocks to my car, in the dark, late at night.  Even though it is Brigham City and nothing really ever happens there, Trent would have not liked that one bit.  It hit me that there is no one to feel protective of me anymore, or to worry about my safety.  That was a very lonely thought and I stumbled to my car and sobbed for about twenty minutes.  I finally drove home and went straight to bed and cried for another hour.

It is interesting to me how much my thoughts turn to what I have lost and not what I still have. I don't focus on the blessings that are mine or those that are promised me in the future.  I guess that is the grief process though.  Everywhere I look I am reminded of what I have lost and until I change my thinking, that is all I will see.  So, this week, no maybe just today, no probably just this hour...I am looking for serenity and joy.

The Mighty Swing of the Pendulum

Yesterday was my birthday, the first one without Trent.  I was pretty nervous that I would be a wreck all day.  I got up and prayed a very fervent prayer to help me be happy, if not for myself, at least for my kids.  By mid morning I had only cried a few times which I thought was pretty good!

I was completely spoiled yesterday.  I had many friends and family trying to make sure I had a good day and they mostly succeeded.  I think it helped that I was kept pretty busy all day too.  I went to get a drink with my mom and Jonathan and afterwards we went to Seagull book where I bought myself a couple of presents. One was a book on Hope that Trent had actually purchased for me for Mother's Day but we ended up giving it to his Mom when she came for his lung surgery.  As I was purchasing that book, the salesgirl recommended another book on grief.  Funny thing, I didn't tell her anything about my situation and I didn't know her.  I took that as I sign that I might need to get the book she recommended, so I did.

In the evening Jarom had another soccer game in Morgan so I packed a picnic lunch and took the three youngest with me.  My birthday dinner consisted of a ham and cheese sandwich, eaten while driving down the freeway at 80 mph trying to get back to a photography class that my mom signed me up for.  After wolfing down my dinner and racing to class, I was informed that it doesn't actually start for three more weeks.  That's convenient. :s

While we were waiting for Megan to come home to have a party, my mood was rapidly declining.  First, Megan should have been home but wasn't and it was getting late.  I looked for my phone to text her but couldn't find it anywhere.  Jarom had taken it and wrapped it up as a present for me...aarrgghh.  So I made him unwrap it and then he felt bad.  Strike one.  Then Megan wasn't answering her phone or responding to texts-something I absolutely hate!  Strike two.  About this time Zach came to me with the wreath I had just finished making (it was supposed to me mind-numbing work to keep me from thinking too much), only when he brought it to me it was in two pieces.  No joke, I had finished it maybe four hours earlier and already he had broken it.  Strike three.  I was mad and I knew I was ruining the evening for everyone but in that moment I couldn't help it.

Right then Greg and Erin showed up and I had to put on my happy face for them.  I am pretty sure they saved the evening.  I was actually able to laugh and joke a little bit while we ate cake and ice cream and opened presents.  Mallory had "stolen" my journal and pasted a bunch of pictures of Trent on one of the pages.  That was her gift to me.  She is pretty sweet.

I talked with Greg and Erin for a bit but could feel myself getting teary.  Night time is hard for me.  After they left I went downstairs and cried for about 1 1/2 hours before I fell asleep.  The ache is so real and the fact that it is not going to change anytime soon is so maddening.  I am putting all my hope in the Second Coming but I also know that is probably some form of denial.  I look at Trent's picture and some part of me still hopes it is all a bad dream and that if I prayed hard enough he would come back.

Today I figured I needed to get myself going so I got up and took Jonathan and our dog, Scout, for a jog.  I was doing fine for most of it but then suddenly found myself sobbing.  Let me tell you, it is not easy to jog, push a stroller, drag (or be dragged by) a dog, and cry all at the same time.  In fact, it is probably dangerous.  

The exercise was great but I still had my morning bawl in the shower and several times since then.  I notified all the credit agencies today of Trent's death and bawled the whole time.  On one of the websites it was explaining how they take care of the notifications and at the bottom it said that after a year the credit report will no longer exist.  Ouch.  That is exactly what I am afraid of!  Someday Trent's paper trail will no longer exist!  That gets me worrying that someday I will forget all the fun things about him, the way he smells, the way he sounds, the way he moves.  Then I start to worry that I will forget how to love him because he is not here for me to see, touch, hear, and talk to.  I know, I am a basket case right now.  But in my defense, I knew this would happen.  I have said all along that after this is over I am going to need a spot on the funny farm.  It has just been so much for so long and there is no end in sight.  It seems that the clock is ticking so slowly.  If only I could make that pendulum swing just a bit faster!  Oh wait, I am probably supposed to be learning patience now.  Sigh...

Shaken to the Core

The past two days have been awful.  Friday and Saturday was our city celebration, Peach Days.  On Friday I went with Jonathan and my mom to see all the booths.  At one booth a gentleman was trying to sell me spices.  He kept saying, "Yeah, your husband is going to look like the greatest BBQ master if he uses this rub!"  I know he wasn't malicious and I don't fault him, but it cut like a knife.

Saturday we went to the Parade and everywhere I looked there were families, with a dad.  Ugh.  That was all just a bit too much for me.  Then I went to the cemetery to find ideas for a headstone.  There were hundreds of companion headstones with one spouse still living.  I kept thinking, "How do you do it? How do you even go on?"  After that, I spent the rest of the day in bed, bawling.

Sunday I thought I was a little better.  Jonny had to give a talk in Primary and I was helping him practice.  He was sitting on my lap in front of my computer which has a picture of Trent as the screen saver.  He looked up and said, "Hi Dad, I love you."  He was confused when Trent didn't answer him.  He thought it was SKYPE and that Trent would respond.  Ouch.  After that I was a little teary but not too bad.  Then before sacrament meeting started the membership clerk brought me a copy of our records reflecting the "change".  That set me off.  He was very kind and almost apologetic when he handed them to me, I am sure he knew that was not going to be easy for me to see.  Then the opening hymn was "Be Still My Soul", a song that was sung at Trent's funeral.  I didn't even get out a book.  I just sat there like a statue, staring straight ahead while tears trickled down my cheeks.  I felt myself sliding further and further down in my seat throughout the meeting.  The wind had completely gone out of my sails and I was ready to be alone.  As soon as the meeting was over I practically ran out of the building.  A woman in our ward stopped me and said, "I know church is hard..." my instant reply was, "EVERYTHING is hard."  She gave me a small, framed saying that read, "Fear thou not, I am with thee."  She said it didn't only refer to God.  That set me off bawling again.

After dinner Zach, Megan, and myself went back to the church to get recommends to attend the BC temple dedication.  Bishop spoke with me first. It was nice to talk to him and I am glad he took that extra time with me.  He said that times like this tend to shake us to the core and test the very foundation of our faith.  My faith is still intact although I have many, many questions that I would LOVE to have answered right now.  Some people have said, "Trent has a greater mission to fulfill right now on the other side."  Please take my advice and don't ever say that to anyone again.  It is not helpful.  It just makes it hurt even worse.  What greater mission could he have than to raise his children on earth?  I like to think that Trent's heart is just a broken as mine and that he feels the loss just as we do.

Last night Mallory had a little breakdown because she couldn't find all the special pictures she had drawn for Trent.  He had been trying to teach her to draw a flower and she had one picture that she was so proud of.  Unfortunately, it is gone.  We looked everywhere.  All I could do was hold her while she sobbed.  I tried to tell her that she could draw a new one just for Daddy and he would be able to see it.  It is just not the same and she knows it.

After scripture study last night I told the kids that the first thing I am going to do when I see Trent is punch him in the chest for leaving us.  Sometimes I really feel like that!  But really, I know I will run to him and jump in his arms and kiss all over his handsome face!  Mallory told me about a dream she had that someone sat in Trent's place at the dinner table and when I looked up, it was Trent.  She said I started screaming, "Where do I kiss, where do I kiss?"  I thought that was pretty funny but was more glad that she understands just how happy I will be to see him again.

Although the last few days have been horrible and I expect many more like that in the future, I know this, God lives.  His Son, Jesus Christ atoned for our sins and overcame death so that we can be together as families eternally.  We are shaken, for sure, but our foundation is strong as is our resolve to be worthy of the blessings we have been promised.

A Year of Firsts

We are well into the year of firsts.  Last week right after the funeral I was filling out all the kids' emergency contact forms from the schools.  They now have only one guardian listed.  That was an ugly first.  I have begun the business of closing down Trent's subscriptions and online accounts.  Then there is all the "death paperwork" to do.  Yesterday I went to the DMV to cancel his license.  They let me keep it even though I wasn't sure I wanted it.  The picture was taken last year and he was sick looking.  I don't think of him that way when I remember him.  I am having a hard time taking care of all this business because it feels like each step I take erases a little bit more of Trent's existence and someday there will be no paper trail of Trent Hal Rasmussen.

Wednesday we celebrated the first birthday in our family without Trent.  I tried very hard to make it a fun day for Jonathan because he was so excited to turn four.  We did all the normal things like decorate and make a poster of Jonny.  My heart wasn't in it though.  Trent loved birthdays and made a big deal out of all of them because in his words, "It matters."  We went to Jarom's soccer game and then ate dinner at KFC on the way home.  I realized as we were sitting there that we fit easily in the booth because of our even number of people.  Our family isn't supposed to be like that.  Yuck.   I was pretty teary all day long and by the end of the day I was ready to be through with this whole life.  I don't really want to face a year of firsts, and seconds, and thirds.  I can't imagine that it will really be any easier as time goes by.  I usually have myself a real good cry in the morning in the shower and then try to temper myself the rest of the day.

Yesterday was not too terrible though.  I took Jonathan with me to run some errands and while we were waiting for the car to be inspected we went to Family Dollar.  Jonathan immediately began pointing out all the candy that he knows Daddy loves.  He was right about every single one.  Finally he picked up a six pack of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and said, "Dad would be so proud of me if I brought these home for him!  He LOVES these!"  Of course, I bought them.  Jonathan kept telling me all day that Daddy would be home to eat his treat soon.  Yeah, I wish.  Instead, we had them for a treat after scripture study last night.

I am torn right now between keeping myself so busy that I don't have time to think about Trent, and wallowing in memories all day long.  I have even found myself avoiding looking at Trent' picture because I know it will make me cry but at the same time I can't seem to take my eyes away from it.  I put Trent's picture as my profile picture on FB but every time I look at it I get a little stab in my stomach.  Ugh.  If only I could press the fast forward button on this life and just get on with the next one.  That is the year of firsts I am looking forward to.

Let Your Light So Shine

I found this draft of a post that Trent had started about a year ago.  I know he had things to say about this but he never got them written down.  He listened to this song a lot and shared the video with many people.  The first time I saw it I was so impressed with the style of video that I kind of missed the meaning.  Trent didn't though, he got it all.

I love this song and so did he. Pretty poignant now.

When Does This Get Better?

Many people have said that time is my friend and eventually this will get better. Well, right now time is my enemy because I have to exist in it. When I think about how much time I will be without Trent my heart breaks all over again. I know I need to stop thinking about the long run and just concentrate on today but that is soooo hard when I am hurting so much. I keep cycling through the stages of grief and landing in the mad phase. I am mad at the world! If you happen to catch my wrath, my apologies in advance. I wish so much that I could change everything and make it all better for me and my kids. Everywhere I look I see reminders of things that we wanted to do as a family; build a house, get a job for Trent; put the kids through school and on missions. Then of course there are the smaller, more immediate plans; tour the Brigham City temple, see Saints and Soldiers at the theater, get new family pictures. Ugh. I see people enjoying their relationships and I feel so lonely. It is not that I just need a companion, I need Trent. I want Trent. Waiting for him is torture. I know he is happy and whole and that he is busy on the other side of the veil. I know all those things, but it doesn't always heal the hurt right now. He still has kids here who cry themselves to sleep each night, missing their daddy. He still has a wife who so desperately longs to be with him that it is hard to focus on the eternal perspective. If I just had a timeline to map out how this healing will go...or at least when the Second Coming will be. That is not too much to ask is it?

Apostolic Witness

The last week has been incredibly hard.  I have cried buckets, been mad at the world, and lost myself in misery.  At times I have thought how awful this life is to have to endure it without Trent.  He is so lucky!  He will only miss me for a minute and then I will be there with him, but I have to endure many years of missing him.  I have prayed like never before, looking for peace and comfort.  At times I have felt that peace but somehow I always chase it away.

Last night I was starting into the mad phase again.  My mom and dad talked to me for about an hour trying to help.  I am not sure that any particular thing they said helped but I was trying not to negate everything they were saying.  I was really trying to open my mind and heart to get some peace.  Today is fast Sunday so I opened my fast last night.  I woke up this morning with a smile on my face!  That hasn't happened for a while and I kind of liked it!

I was a little apprehensive about going to church today and being reminded of the services that were held for Trent in those same rooms that I would attend Relief Society and Sacrament meeting.  But it didn't even enter my mind.  Okay, part way through the meeting it did but it wasn't upsetting like I thought it would be.  I was feeling very calm and peaceful.  Even when they talked about how a woman can't raise her children alone and really needs the father to step in and help her.  I suppose I will have to get used to hearing those things and remember that Trent will be near.  He was such a "hands on dad", I know he won't leave his children to grow up alone.

In Sacrament meeting I knew I had to bear my testimony when my heart was thumping out of my chest.  As I got to the pulpit, I rubbed my hands up and down the podium and I remember thinking I did the exact same thing when I gave Trent's eulogy in that very same spot.  I was pretty emotional but was able to bear my testimony of a loving Heavenly Father who provides for and blesses us before we even know we need it.  I know that the miracle we were praying for was withheld for a reason.  I wish it wasn't so, but I know we will be blessed in even more miraculous ways than we could have imagined.  I have to put my faith in the Lord knowing that He sees the whole picture and my view is so limited.  That is hard though, when what we are living is so painful.

After church my parents were not here so after waiting a while for them, the kids and I decided to eat without them.  Just as we were finishing up my parents came home and said there was someone outside who wanted to talk to me.  I walked outside to see Neil L. Anderson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles stretching out his hand to me.

He offered his condolences and told me how proud he was of me for my faith.  He asked if Trent had been ill for long and I told him Trent had been sick for 2 1/2 years.  He asked if there was anything he could do and I kind of laughed/cried and said, "Yeah, tell me when the Second Coming is!"  He just smiled an empathetic smile and put his hand on my shoulder.  Darn it!

Each of the kids came out and met him as well.  Of course, Jonny introduced himself as Jonorias instead of Jonathan.  (Trent used to tell Jonny stories about a knight in shining armor whose name was Jonorias and now that is the only name Jonathan will use.)  Mallory just had to be dressed in full princess get up that moment too.  Jarom made sure to do a lengthy, multi-step, end-with-a-snap handshake. Megan and Zach were perfect little adults with him.

Elder Anderson talked with us and said he did not know why sometimes young people are called and it can seem so hard, but he promised us that we will be happy again and we will have joy.  He then told us that he has a perfect knowledge of life after death and that we will be with Trent again.  WOW.  I was so humbled to be in the presence of one of the Twelve Apostles and hear him give his apostolic witness of Christ and the Plan of Salvation.  I hope the kids caught on to that, but if they didn't, you can be sure that will be the topic of Family Home Evening tomorrow night!

Elder Anderson asked the kids to let him know when they turn in their mission papers because he wants to look at each of them.  He also said he would come back and perform their marriages in the temple.  It was amazing and definitely a blessing for our little family.