On Thanksgiving I learned that another much too young, beautiful, cancer warrior had been "rescued" by our Heavenly Father. I did not know her personally but knew her family and her husband's family. On Monday a mutual friend from Germany asked me and my dad to go visit her family and give his condolences. As we arrived, I am sure some of the family did not know us or why we had come. But as we spoke it became apparent that much more was to happen than our greeting with the family. I was asked if I would speak to the young woman's husband because of the experiences that I have been through. I welcomed the chance. I was actually hoping to see him and just give him a hug. He was called and he arrived at the house a short time later. As soon as I saw him I recognized the look in his eyes. I have seen it in my own many times. My heart truly was broken again, for him and his two young boys.
I was somewhat apprehensive about talking with him. I was afraid of the feelings it would stir up in me, like ripping off a scab to reveal a wound. However, as we talked I felt that Trent was with me, helping me to say the right things. We spoke for a couple of hours. We cried and laughed and cried some more. It was so healing for me! It didn't make anything better, or change it in any way. But I was able to recognize how far I have come and how much I have been comforted. I wanted so badly to take all the pain and agony that is so familiar to me, away from this young family. As we left I felt good, really good. I haven't felt that in a long, long, time.
It was very difficult to "go back there" during our talk and the next night I had a meltdown of sorts. A "trigger" got to me. I thought I was doing pretty well until a picture of Trent on our wedding day was returned to me by Greg. It was almost as if I couldn't touch it. I reached out to take the photo but pulled my hand back quickly. I finally took it and went to put it away. I had a quick cry, knowing that the bigger cry was boiling up inside of me. I was able to put that cry away until I went to bed that night. Then it erupted in a big way. Sigh.
That same night I was contacted by another young widow in our area. It seems we are all drawn to one another. There are very few people who can truly understand what it is to lose a spouse, especially at such a young age. In addition, all three of us have lost our spouses to cancer. I am so grateful that there are others out there to share my feelings with, who really get it. With that being said, I would do almost anything to change the circumstances for all of us. There is so much suffering in this world and I seriously think we could just skip right on to the Second Coming to heal us all.
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I'm ready to take that skip. I am having my own little meltdown today. It's a mom sort of thing and I know it's so much more bearable for me. But it hits me and this night it was in traffic. Not a good place to bring on the tears in the Tucson 5 pm traffic. I thought of you Holly and wondered how you managed in a car with 5 kids and tears. Thank heavens you are able to share with these people. You are right that only those who have endured the kind of grief from losing a spouse can truly understand. You are a lifeline for them. I am so happy to hear that it made you feel good. You'll feel good more often....eventually. I love him tonight more than ever and I invision the little baby I tucked into a little homemade crib. I remember his warmth and softness and the sweetness that penetrated his being even then. He was always far beyond this earth.
ReplyDeleteWidow. I don't think I'll ever get used to hearing that word associated with me or checking 'that' box. I hate it. I'm looking forward to talking with you in person.
ReplyDeleteI know...I hate it too. It is so ugly!
DeleteHolly,
ReplyDeleteI think of Trent almost everyday. I picture him and you the first day I met you at the Huntsman. That is my memory of my friend, Trent.
I remember when we met in the hall and we cried and held each other.
That is my memory of my friend, Trent.
I remember his upbeat spirit, but knew that the pain was underneath. That is my memory of my friend, Trent.
I remember your concern and love for Trent and your family. That is a memory of my friend, Holly.
I remember your diagnosis when the doctors were to busy. That is a memory of my friend Holly.
I remember you were always there for Trent. That is my memory of my friend Holly.
The holidays are a difficult time. I hope you can rest.
Our boys are waiting for us. They are worried, but they know we are strong and must go on. And we must and will!
All my love,
Brent
Oh Brent you made me cry! I miss seeing you! You are definitely one of the best memories of hci. I can't wait until we see our boys again! It s going to be so sweet! We better not have to wait too long!
DeleteIsn't amazing how we are drawn to those who have gone through similar things that we have? So few people really "get it." It really IS hard to talk to others about experiences, yet is IS healing at the same time. Most of all, it's so nice to know that we're not alone.
ReplyDelete