Therapy

For the last five days or so I have really struggled.  Halloween started it all and it has been a little difficult to get back on track.  Thankfully I have a loving and very attentive husband who is doing his best to get me through this.  With that being said, he is still in trouble when I see him again.

Friday I was busy bawling in my room, again, when I started getting multiple texts and phone calls from people.  The phone call was from Angelique, the sweetest social worker I have ever met.  As soon as she asked how I was doing I started bawling.  She said, "I knew it! Trent has been bugging me since Tuesday to call you.  He won't leave me alone."  We talked for a while and she assured me that what I am feeling is normal and that it WILL get better.  I told her about always seeing Trent's smiling face in his picture while I sit and cry.  She told me the reason Trent is smiling is because of me and our kids.  I guess that is a good way of thinking about it.  Angelique is good therapy for me.  She knows just what to say and how/when to say it.  She makes me feel like this is a trial I can handle but completely understands that I don't want to handle it.  I just want it fixed.  I am glad that Trent is working in his way to help me through this mess.  I still wish he were here to help though.

I have a good friend from Providence who lost his father at a young age and understands some of the feelings of grief that I am experiencing.  He invited me to go shooting pumpkins up Providence Canyon on Saturday. I left my kids with his wife so I didn't have to worry about them with guns.  Our family is pretty inexperienced with guns and I figured I better learn something first.  We set out about twenty pumpkins for targets.  I shot about five different guns and loved every minute of it!  I can't believe how therapeutic it was to blast the stuffing out of those pumpkins!  I actually laughed...really laughed.  That hasn't happened for a long time.  Megan told me the other day that when I laugh it sounds forced.  Well, it probably is.  I guess I am not as good of a faker as I thought I was.

30-30 Winchester (excuse my horrible farmer's tan please)

9 mm Glock and my "Charlie's Angels" stance

Sporting my first "gun bruise"

I have a friend who keeps telling me that I need to realize that this situation is not fixable, that my new job is "coping" not "fixing".  I don't like to hear that at all but I know it is true.  The other day I was reading "The Gateway" by Russel M Nelson.  On the very last page he quotes the following scripture found in John 14:18:

18 I will not leave you comfortless; I will come to you.

After I read that I had to stop and think back at the many times that has been true in my life and most especially over the last few months.  Just yesterday I was desperately praying for someone to talk to that second and before I could even finish my prayer I was receiving a text from just the person I needed right then.  I know I am being heard and that I haven't been left comfortless.  I think I am pretty much a full time responsibility in the comfort area right now.  My need is constant.  I am extremely grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who, along with my sweet Trent, is ever mindful of my needs and is willing to answer my prayers in the form of good friends, family, and occasionally a bit of pumpkin blastin'.