Early this week I could feel myself heading into the downward spiral I had been warned about. I was told by a friend who is in a similar situation that "after you have some good days the bad days seem even worse." Last week was mostly good so I was a little apprehensive about how long that would last and how bad it would be when it ended. Well, it ended Tuesday. When Zach was little (about 3 or 4 years old) he had a thing for Tuesdays. Anytime we asked him to do something he would reply, "I will do that on Tuesday, okay?" We always thought that was so funny and it became a joke between Trent and me. Now Tuesdays are miserable. I no longer wake up early and relive every horrible moment of Trent's passing. Instead, I wake up early and relive cherished memories. You would think that would make me happy but it just accentuates my loneliness and feelings of monumental loss. My memories are so vivid that it is still very difficult to comprehend that Trent is no longer here.
Tuesday was a weepy day for me. I had cried all day off and on. I put in the final order for Trent's headstone and we are crossing our fingers that the weather holds up long enough to place the stone before the end of the year. That night Mallory was really missing Trent and asked if we could take flowers to his grave the next day. We haven't been there for a while so I thought that was nice. I also spoke with a friend and we both shared the stories of our spouses' deaths. It actually made me feel good in a strange way. It was a good release emotionally for me. Of course, I still cried myself to sleep after that. Wednesday Zach was a mess and my head hurt from so much crying. After breakfast we both laid in bed and cried. I shared with him my current favorite scripture in John 14:18. It helped us both, I think. I only let him stay home for half of the day this time. When Mallory came home from school I took her to buy some flowers. She picked a cute little bouquet in a bright yellow pot.
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| (The box of chocolates from the graveside service is still on his grave...I just can't make myself throw it away.) |
The rest of that night I was a mess. I had to go to my photography class and on the way there I was really losing control. I quickly called a friend and said, "I am on the verge of a meltdown. I need you to tell me that I am okay, that I can do this, and that the second coming is soon!" Well, he did none of those things but he did make me laugh just a little. I was able to pull myself together and make it through class. If anyone noticed my puffy eyes, they didn't mention it.
By Friday I was engulfed in my own world. I live so much of my life inside my own head because I don't have Trent to share all of the funny little moments and life in general. I have a hard time communicating sometimes and my kids get so frustrated. They will tell me things and then ask me a question about it and I haven't heard a thing they said. I am working on that. Friday afternoon I got a phone call from a new friend that I met through this blog. When she called she was very emotional. She had just learned that her husband's cancer had returned and is terminal. The doctors have given him months to live. My heart broke for her! I am devastated that someone else has to go through this! However, I felt the overwhelming desire to help bear her burden, as so many have willingly done for me. As hard as it was to listen to her news, I was so grateful she had called me. When we hung up I cried and cried for her. That sent me into a tailspin and I cried all evening. I haven't cried that hard for weeks. Thankfully I have a handful of friends who have experienced this heartache and was able to talk to a couple of them. More and more I am seeing the truth of the Lord's promise, "I will not leave you comfortless, I will come to you."
Once a year, I visit the grave of a girl I taught as a YW leader who was killed in a car accident on the night of her Homecoming date six years ago. Every time I've gone, there has been a small notebook and pencil wrapped in a couple of ziploc bags and tucked up against the headstone. Inside the notebook are writings from those who have visited the grave-- six years worth of them. I write in the notebook every time I visit, simple words of things I feel compelled to say at the time. I've read some of the other writings as well and smile at the sentiments expressed, some of them very personal and vulnerable, but genuine and profound. This was a girl who touched many lives in her short time on earth and her parents have given those of us who also knew and loved her a way to meaningfully remember her. I think it must offer her family a lot of comfort and peace to read the writings from time to time and be reminded they are not the only ones who still think of her and miss her.
ReplyDeleteMaybe a notebook kept on Trent's grave will be something that can help you feel more peace at the cemetery. I imagine Trent has had many visitors there you haven't known about. In quiet moments of reflection at his grave site with paper and pencil in hand, they might be able to express sentiments or memories you've not yet heard and give you the sweet opportunity to read of how so many who knew and loved Trent remember not only your husband... but also their brother, their son, their co-worker, their ward member, their uncle, their home teacher, their cousin, their friend. What a treasured gift it could become to have waiting for you every time you visit the cemetery.
Oh, Holly, I wish it wasn't so terribly hard. It isn't fair. I hope you are doing a little better this weekend. Those tears are an important part of healing but it's hard to see that. It sounds like you have such a good support with your friends who have experienced the same horrific loss. There is purpose in them for through them the spirit can comfort you.
ReplyDeleteI like Angie's idea. I would love to write messages. I hope the beautiful headstone can be placed and will be a wonderful monument to dear Trent. I cried when I saw the box of candy. I really cried and I really miss him too.
I think about you and your sweet kids every day. I HATE that you've been hurting so much, for so long... I wish I could take even one of the million pieces your heart is broken into, and make it feel better somehow.
ReplyDeleteI'll keep fasting and saying my prayers for you - and keep hoping that the good days soon outnumber the sad, heart-achy days. You are so loved by so many.
Those flowers Mallory chose are SO great! So bright and happy - - what beautiful girlies you have!
I know you'll see Trent again SOON. I just know it...
I wish there was something..ANYTHING i could do to make you feel better. I love you my sweet friend. You will always be my BFF.
ReplyDeleteSuzy