Still Standing

We made it through the much feared, dreaded, and yes, even loathed, events of last week.  We faced the three month anniversary, Thanksgiving, Mallory's baptism, and decorating the Christmas tree.  Along with many very difficult moments we experienced some very sweet moments as well.

Last Tuesday I got a call from Trent's second cousin whom I have never met.  She wanted to come by the house the next day to meet me and give me a hug.  I was grateful that she would reach out to me in that way.  I am not sure that I had a whole lot to offer her but her love and concern helped me remember the love our Heavenly Father has for me and the many ways He has shown me that love.

We had a very nice visit complete with tears and hugs all around.  Heidi and her family brought gifts and chocolate.  Chocolate helps everything!  We all received a figurine of a person praying, to make our whole family.  When I pulled out the father figurine I cried, of course.  It is a beautiful gift and it helps me remember that we are all still together in this, we just can't be with Trent right now.

The Dunn Family-Ashton, Heidi, Lily, Parker, Braxton, and Jason

Thanksgiving was a real downer for me.  I did not cry all day long like I thought I might but I was certainly not any fun to be around.  Before we ate my dad told me he was going to mention Trent in the prayer and didn't want to blindside me.  Even with the forewarning I still had a little meltdown but Lyndsi, my sister-in-law, was right there to put her arms around me and offer her love.

I had many people call or text me on that day to make sure I was okay.  I really appreciate it!  It is so easy to lose myself in my thoughts for hours on end and it doesn't usually end well when I do that.  The distraction was good for me.

Friday I had to do a little shopping-no, not Black Friday shopping.  No way.  Not this year.  I didn't go out until the afternoon.  I did  fine for awhile but then I started seeing all the couples out doing their shopping and it made me hurt.  Trent LOVED to shop for Christmas and it is just so hard to do it without him.  I think I will do all the shopping online so I don't have to watch everyone else enjoy that part of their holiday.  It is not that I don't want them to be happy but it just accentuates my loneliness.

When I got home a spent a few minutes with Mallory making sure she was ready for her baptism the next day.  I had to "practice" with her, you know, where she puts her hands, how she would be lowered into the water, etc.  The whole time I was thinking, "I should not be doing this, dang it! This is not how it is supposed to be!"  But I held it together until after she went to bed.  Yes, a few, or a lot of tears slipped out then.

I got up early on Saturday and made all the soups then took Scout for a jog.  I was feeling pretty good and it was especially quiet.  I found a not too muddy spot and took a moment to pray and think to Trent.  I say "think to Trent" because I think it is totally weird to talk out loud to him so I usually hold the entire conversation in my head.  It calmed me down and I felt peace.

Mallory asked me to speak at her baptism so I chose to do the talk on Baptism so I could get it over with before the waterworks began.  While we were waiting I felt so calm.  I KNOW that Trent was there.  I wish I had seen him but I didn't.  I did feel that he was near me and was helping to keep me calm.  I was able to give the talk I had prepared without sobbing which I thought was a real plus.  I cried some but not too much.  When my dad confirmed Mallory he acknowledged that Trent was there and welcomed him.  The spirit was so strong!  It all went very well and we were able to have some very sacred and spiritual experiences.

Mallory and me right before the baptism.

I was quite surprised at how well I was handling everything.  We got the lunch started and I was just kind of hanging out in the hall making sure people were getting their food.  Trevor, Trent's brother, walked up and put his arm around me.  I lost it.  I grabbed him and cried and cried and cried.  He just held me while my body shook, trying to keep in the sobs.  All afternoon I had to put on the smile and act like everything was okay.  Zach kept asking if I was okay and when I told him I was he said, "I think you are lying."  Well, he may have been right.  Finally when I could take it  no more I went downstairs and let all the sobs out.  It is unfortunate that such a special day has to be so hard.  Thank goodness I don't have to do that for another few years.

That night all the kids piled into my bed and onto the floor for a movie in my room.  I was glad they all stayed close.  I think I really needed it.

After the events of the past few days and all the emotions that went with it, I think I lost my mind.  For some dumb reason I thought that Sunday afternoon would be a good time to put up the Christmas tree.  I know why I did it, because Trent would have done it then.  He always wanted the tree up and the house decorated as soon as Thanksgiving was over.  It was not as fun as it was when Trent did it.  He was always so excited and really had fun decorating.  This time, I was doing a lot of swallowing, trying to keep in the tears so the kids wouldn't see how much it hurt.  Ugh.

We made it through a whole bunch of hard things this week and we are still standing.  As hard as it was, it gives me hope that we can do more hard things.  I don't like it, I don't want it, I would trade it all away in a second.  However, I know we are given strength when we need it most.  I guess I will have to settle for that for now.