Blindsided

Tuesday night I was talking with a friend and he asked if I was ready for Halloween.  I felt confident I was.  All the costumes were ready, the class party was planned, and I was pretty sure I was emotionally set.  Oh how wrong I was!

Wednesday morning was a flood of tears that seemed to come out of nowhere.  I am still not sure what the big deal is.  Halloween is fun but certainly not the spiritual, family oriented, faith inspiring holiday that would wreak such havoc on my emotional stability.  For much of our married life Trent worked swing shift so he never went trick-or-treating with us anyway.  Even when he wasn't working, one of us would stay home and the other would take the kids.  Trent never dressed up for it and I rarely did either.  But nonetheless, it was a heartbreaking day and the tears have continued to flow since then.

Yesterday Jarom had a soccer game in Morgan.  On the way back we were talking about his teacher at school whose wife is about to have a baby.  Jarom was asking some normal questions about pregnancy and how long it takes etc.  After I explained how a baby grows inside the mother for nine months he said, "So you could have a baby in nine months?"  Uh, no.  I told him you have to have a husband to have a baby so I would not be having any more babies.  I am sure you can all see the slippery slope I was treading on.  Yes, that launched us into the "birds and the bees" talk.  Whoa.  I was kind of laughing inside while I answered only the questions he asked and did not give any more details than he needed.  It was a moment that Trent and I would have laughed our heads off about how embarrassing and uncomfortable it was!  Of course, I did not have him to laugh with and that sunk my mood pretty low.

When I got home an old high school friend had contacted me on FB and said some very nice things about how our story had impacted his life.  Yep, more tears.  I sat there staring up at the picture of Trent, bawling my eyes out.  It is always there, silently watching me cry and struggle through each day, never saying a word.  The silence mocks me as I cry myself to sleep each night.  How I wish I could just turn back the clock and choose a different life!  I would take any trial...just as long as Trent was here with me.

I took Scout for a run without Jonathan this morning.  I was trying to sort out all the mess of the last couple of days and get my head back in the right place.  I am not so sure that running while bawling is any safer than driving while bawling.  I am lucky to be back home, in one piece, although my heart is still broken into a million pieces.