10 Weeks and Counting...

While Trent was battling cancer we always had something to look forward to.  Yes, it was mostly the next scan...but nonetheless, it was something to look forward to and we knew when it would take place.   Lately I have had a hard time with having something to look forward to.  Of course I look forward to the Second Coming with great anticipation but "no man knoweth the day nor the hour" so it is a little tricky judging my progression toward that one.  All I know is that each day I am one day closer.  It is hard to "look forward" to regular life things because not one of them will include Trent and that is so lonely and empty.

I find myself in a tough spot; needing to have something, but not wanting anything.  My friend, who shall remain nameless in case our friendship doesn't outlive her current endeavor,  has encouraged me to piece together a quilt.  I am certainly not a stranger to a sewing machine but quilting has never appealed to me-at all.  We'll see how this goes.  At the very least it will keep me busy for a little while.

Last week was another roller coaster of emotions but I did better at keeping myself busy and I think that helped temper some of the toughest times.  I started indexing names on the church website and every time I found myself with a little too much time to think, I would run in and do a few batches.  I think indexing is going to be my lifesaver for at least a little while.

Lately I have been contacted by or have contacted many people in similar situations as myself.  Sometimes what they have to say is tremendously helpful, sometimes not so much.  I have learned to be a little choosy about who I talk to because while I know everyone has good intentions, I am just vulnerable enough to fall apart at the wrong words.  I do believe that Heavenly Father has repeatedly put me in contact with many people who have a least a little something to offer to help me navigate the ugliest road I have ever faced.  I know He is still mindful of me and His tender mercies are becoming more and more apparent.

Sunday night was a tough one for me and I kind of had a melt down.  I snapped at Jarom and made him feel badly.  I sent the kids to bed and as I walked past Jarom's room he called out to me in the dark.  He tried to make it better but I couldn't even go in and talk to him.   Not my finest parenting moment.  Instead I kicked Zach out of my room, closed the door and sobbed.  

It is a difficult thing to manage my own grief and keep tabs on all five kids and their emotions too.  At first I asked them on a regular basis if there was anything they needed to talk about or if they were doing okay.  I started getting the feeling that it was too much so I backed off.  Yesterday morning I was rushing around getting everyone ready for school and getting myself ready to go on a field trip with Jarom's class.  I was racing upstairs and stumbled on Zach, sitting in Trent's chair, wrapped in Trent's blanket, hyperventilating because he was crying so hard.  I sat down with him and tried to comfort him and keep myself from falling apart.  He said he had dreamed about Trent.  It was a good dream, except that it was "cancer dad".  Apparently that was too much for Zach that day.  I had to leave Zach so I could be with Jarom.  That was tough too.  Then last night after family prayer Mallory had a meltdown.  She told me she thinks about Daddy a lot and remembers when he was a playful dad.  The hard part is she also thinks a lot about seeing him in his casket.  I pulled her into my lap and told her that if Dad was there right then he would wrap his arms around her and say, "Oh Mal Mal! I love you girl!".  I told her that it is was more fun to think about playful Dad and we should try not to think about the hard memories so much.  It breaks my heart to see my kids hurting and it makes me mad all over again that they have been asked to live this life.  However, as I was doing laundry this morning I was thinking about all the other hard things we have endured not only during cancer but our whole lives.  Somehow those things have turned out good and I can clearly see the blessings that have come from those difficult times.  I have to remind myself that Heavenly Father doesn't make mistakes and that if He could make it good before, He can make it good again.  I just don't see it right now.  Someday soon I will...I hope.