I am sure I will never understand the grief process. The emptiness, the ups and downs, and the triggers are killing me. Just when I think I might be doing a little better, I begin the weeping all over again. This morning was especially difficult. The tears just kept coming. I took Jonny and Scout on our walk and bawled the entire time. I am really missing Trent and it is hard to find purpose in my life without him. I know I have five kids who need me but they need their dad too.
Last night I was crying and Zach was in my room. I asked him for about the millionth time how I was going to be able to do this. How am I going to be able to handle this heartache for years? He answered, "Don't think about years Mom, just think about today." Great advice, but oh so hard to do.
The other day we were having scripture study and part of the lesson application was to rate on a scale of one to ten how great your afflictions have been in your life. When I asked the kids to do that I felt sure they would all answer the same as me---DEFINITELY A 10! I was surprised and a little miffed that Megan and Zach both answered '3'. What?! I asked them to explain and they both said that although having Dad die is really hard, it could be worse. Personally I can't imagine anything worse than having to live without Trent. But as I thought about their answers I began to put things into perspective. We haven't lost Trent. We don't have to live without him forever. This is just a temporary separation that will someday seem very inconsequential even though right now it is ENORMOUS and fills every thought of every day. The hard part of this lesson is that keeping the eternal perspective is so hard. It is not a lesson you learn once and you have mastered it. You have to keep learning and relearning until it sticks.
The following is just for your viewing pleasure. Megan posted the picture of Jonny on Facebook saying how much it looks like Trent. I pretty much agree. :)