Feed your FAITH and your fears will starve .

Monday, October 15, 2012


I am sure I will never understand the grief process.  The emptiness, the ups and downs, and the triggers are killing me.  Just when I think I might be doing a little better, I begin the weeping all over again.  This morning was especially difficult.  The tears just kept coming.  I took Jonny and Scout on our walk and bawled the entire time.  I am really missing Trent and it is hard to find purpose in my life without him.  I know I have five kids who need me but they need their dad too.

Last night I was crying and Zach was in my room.  I asked him for about the millionth time how I was going to be able to do this.  How am I going to be able to handle this heartache for years?  He answered, "Don't think about years Mom, just think about today."  Great advice, but oh so hard to do.

The other day we were having scripture study and part of the lesson application was to rate on a scale of one to ten how great your afflictions have been in your life.  When I asked the kids to do that I felt sure they would all answer the same as me---DEFINITELY A 10!  I was surprised and a little miffed that Megan and Zach both answered '3'.  What?!  I asked them to explain and they both said that although having Dad die is really hard, it could be worse.  Personally I can't imagine anything worse than having to live without Trent.  But as I thought about their answers I began to put things into perspective.  We haven't lost Trent.  We don't have to live without him forever.  This is just a temporary separation that will someday seem very inconsequential even though right now it is ENORMOUS and fills every thought of every day.  The hard part of this lesson is that keeping the eternal perspective is so hard.  It is not a lesson you learn once and you have mastered it.  You have to keep learning and relearning until it sticks.

The following is just for your viewing pleasure.  Megan posted the picture of Jonny on Facebook saying how much it looks like Trent.  I pretty much agree. :)


  1. That "3" from Megan and Zach just shows what AMAZING faith you and Trent have/continue to exemplify for your children. Without faith and wonderful, amazing parents, I have no doubt their number would've been more like "18"...

  2. I'm not trying to minimize your pain, Holly, but I burst out laughing at the pictures. Yep... Trent is in that boy. He is in each of your kiddos. I look and see him in their smiles, their laughter, their tears, their humor. But I see you too. I see children that are the result of two loving amazing parents. I miss him so much also. Not in the agonizing pain of your experience, but I just miss his existence here on so many levels. Look to your children for the strength you seek. They are wise and they will be your anchor.

  3. This is Megan. When I said 3 I was thinking about the many, many afflictions in the world. Famine, poverty, slavery, I could go on and on. It could be so much worse off for us! I live in a safe, warm home, I have a large, loving family, I've never starved or slept in the streets. I have never experienced want or poverty. I've never witnessed any natural disasters or war. I have lived a very safe, sheltered life surrounded by friends and family who love me. I can get an education, and so much more. The world is at my fingertips! Anything is accessible to me. There is so much more to be grateful about than there is to mourn about! Can't you see? I have thought about it kind of like this: I would rather have a dead parent who loves me than a living one who has neglected and abandoned me. I am very fortunate while millions of other children don't have wonderful parents like I do. It's overwhelming how incredibly blessed I am! It could be so, so much worse.

    1. This talk by Neal A Maxwell has been a favorite of mine for years: http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=-gxQ6urNJsc&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D-gxQ6urNJsc
      It means even more since my dad has been diagnosed with cancer.

  4. Wow, what an insightful young woman! Megan, you explained that so well. Your thoughtfulness for those in the world without the love and comforts of a loving family is really true and sad. I love your statement-"there is so much more to be grateful about than there is to mourn about." What a wise and true thought! You are a great source of strength. Keep that attitude and life will be yours for the taking... You will do and are doing amazing things. "Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference." Winston Churchill Your dad is so proud of you!
    Love ya

  5. Wow, Megan, you are amazing! Holly, I hope you can find some peace when you think about the fact that you and the pain you are suffering have not been forgotten. I think about you daily and hope that you can be relieved of your suffering. Unfortunately, there isn't a magic pill to make it all better. I wish I knew how to help you.

  6. Holly I keep reflecting back on Megan's perfect perspective... it is more than so true... it is actually what our mommy broke hearts need to hear. I am more than beyond proud of her solid foundation that she is able to share so eloquently. How I LOVE their wisdom that is so firm in their youth.

  7. Wow, Megan. Your thoughts and perspective are based in truth and wisdom and I'm glad you are able to help console your mother. Many of us can only imagine what your family is going through, but your parents are teaching you well. Continue to heed their counsel and you'll never wander down dark paths without light and truth to guide you. Bravo, Trent and Holly. Bravo.