My Blessings

I have a confession to make.  I think I am in love.  Saturday I went on my second date with a plethora of fire arms and was absolutely in LOVE!  I can't believe how much I enjoy shooting!  It is such a stress reliever for me and I am seriously thinking Santa needs to bring me a gun for my very own!

All the stress relief was for naught though, by Tuesday morning I was a big mess again.  I found myself in a parenting nightmare and was profoundly aware that Trent was not there.  Who was I to discuss this with?  Who was going to help me decide on an appropriate consequence?  My feelings of being alone quickly turned to anger that Trent had not been able to prevent the problem from the other side.  I have heard many times that the influence Trent will have from the other side of the veil will be tremendous and that may be how he will "live to raise his children to maturity".  Well, where the heck was he?

I grabbed my phone and the dog and went for a RUN.  I haven't run that hard or that fast for quite awhile.  When I finally couldn't run anymore I called my friend Greg.  I screamed all the things I was feeling at him and basically acted insane.  He listened quietly until, in between sobs, I told him I would talk to him later and hung up.  I went home and tried to put myself together enough to go to the elementary school for my volunteer hour.  While I was there I got a text from Greg telling me he was at my house waiting for me.  He had left his job, in Provo, and driven straight up to see me.  He said he had a good talk with Trent at the cemetery while he waited for me to finish.  When we talked he basically just sat there and let me do all of the talking/complaining/crying.  He is an amazing friend and I have known that for a long time.  He just keeps proving it to me over and over again.

We picked up Jonathan and went to McDonalds (or Knick Knack Donalds as Jonathan calls it) for lunch.  Greg was trying to get Jonathan to eat his chicken nuggets and he said, "If you are not going to eat them, can I?"  Jonathan immediately replied, "Yes, because I love you."  That caught Greg off guard and he was instantly trying to fight back the tears.  That is life with my little Jonathan.  He is so sweet!

As the holidays descend on us I feel as though I am in a room where the walls are closing in on me and there is no escape.  I would love to jump right over these next few weeks and never face them at all.  But as Winston Churchill says, "When you are going through hell, don't stop."  So, on we go.

Trent sent the following text to our families last Thanksgiving, shortly after arriving home from Boston where we had hoped to have a life saving surgery performed.  I saved it on my phone and every time I read it I cry.

"I'm tremendously thankful to a loving Heavenly Father who crafted a remarkable plan for each one of us.  I have been reminded of His personal investment in every one of His children because of the the tender mercies that are abundantly given when we need the help.  I have witnessed COUNTLESS times when all seemed lost, that there was a person, situation, etc. that made it okay.  Despite the ugliness that may have overtaken me, I have always found comfort and peace when it mattered most.  On this special day when we gather as families to express our blessings to one and all, I love our amazing Heavenly Father, the Son for his atonement that will bind our family units together eternally, my sweetheart who has given her life to help preserve mine, this wonderful family, and stuffing, leftover turkey and cold pie!  Love you all to life!  Have a beautiful day!  TRENT"


He is amazing and I miss him so much!  Trent loved Thanksgiving because he LOVED to eat!  It is going to be very difficult to enjoy the holiday without Trent.  So far, I have been able to keep my emotions in check, well, mostly.  Tomorrow may be a different story.

I am really going to try and focus on all the blessings I have.  I cannot deny that our family has been abundantly blessed and that continues daily.  Today I am thankful that we are three months closer to being with Trent again.  I am so thankful that when we went to Boston, twice, last year at this time, we were sent home without the surgery we had hoped for.  That allowed us to spend Thanksgiving AND Christmas with our family.  We didn't know at the time that those would be our last holidays with Trent.

I am grateful for my amazing children who teach me so much everyday.  Yesterday I came across a FB message between Megan and a friend on the day Trent passed away.  The friend told her how sorry she was that the Lord had taken Trent.  Megan replied that He didn't "take" Trent, He rescued him.   I was shocked to read that but instantly had the image of a loving Heavenly Father taking Trent in his arms and healing all the pain and sorrow he had endured.  I had never thought of it in quite that way and it helped me.

I am so blessed to be surrounded by wonderful friends, who visit me, who drop everything for me, who text or call or message me at exactly the right moment.  I think I must have been part of a large group in the pre-existence that promised that we would all look out for each other on earth.

I am thankful for a very large family-mine and Trent's, who have supported us and loved us from the very beginning.  They have allowed my hissy fits and turned the other cheek.  I am truly grateful for the efforts they make to help even though I don't always show my appreciation.  Last week I attended the temple with my sister-in-law.  It was hard for me.  By the time I got to the celestial room I was hanging on by a thread.  She didn't say a word, just pulled me into her arms and let me cry and cry and cry.

I am extremely grateful for my eternal companion, for the love that we share that cannot be taken from us by cancer or death.   I am thankful for the 17 years, 8 months, and 12 days that I knew him on earth.  He made me a better person and made me believe I could be who he thought I already was.  Life with him was my paradise.  I miss him a thousand times more than I ever thought possible but I know that I will be with him again and all will be made right.

I am grateful for my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who has carried me, comforted me, and given me hope when I thought all was lost.  He has answered my prayers and calmed my heart.  I know that He lives, and because He lives, Trent lives.  And I will one day be reunited with Trent and we will never know the pain of separation again. Yes, I am blessed.