Part of a Whole

Last Friday I took Jarom, Mallory, and Jonathan swimming at the indoor pool.  It was easy because Trent hated going there, the water was always way too cold for his liking.  Nine times out of ten I took the kids swimming by myself so it wasn't like a "Dad used to do this with us" kind of thing.  For the first little while me and my three kids were the only ones in the whole pool.  Then a swim team showed up for practice which was good because there was a little more noise and fewer eyes only on us.  We had been having a great time swimming for about an hour when Jarom started hanging on me.  I dunked him a couple of times which only made him hang on me even more.  He is only nine but he is almost as big as me and I don't have too much longer before he will be able to take me.  I think he realized he was being just a bit aggressive and came at me with his big lips instead.  I burst into tears and told all the kids to get out of the pool.  I guess in that moment I realized how long it has been since Trent kissed me.  I got the kids into the shower and then I just sobbed.  I am sure they all think I am nuts.

Saturday I went with my friend, Suzanne, to the RS Women's Conference which I am sure was directed at me.  It seemed like every talk was specifically written for me.  When Sister Reeves was talking she said something that made my eyes and heart open up.  She said that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are NOT thinking, "It's okay that you hurt right now because soon everything will be okay."  That is sort of how I have been feeling and I think, "How can it be okay that I hurt so bad?"  I know that it will all be better eternally but right now the pain is intense.  But Sister Reeves assured me, (and everyone else) that my Heavenly Father and Savior weep with me.  They hurt for me and weep with me.  I honestly believe that Trent does too.

I was expecting Sunday to be a difficult day...I had planned to have our family pictures taken in the canyon.  This is not something that I was especially looking forward to, but I am a stickler for yearly family pictures.  I did not want pictures without Trent so we took a big framed picture of him and we all wore one of his plaid shirts.  It made the whole thing a lot easier to handle.  I did fine all through the shoot but on the way home I cried a million tears.  When we got home I had the kids watch the RS Conference with me.  I felt that they could learn something from it as well.  I hope they did.

In my room I have three pictures of Trent.  Two are from when he was sick and one is "healthy Trent".  I have noticed lately that I look past the pictures of him when he was sick and focus on the "good" one, because that is how I know he is now.  But I realized the other morning that in focusing on healthy Trent, I am only seeing part of who he is.  I miss his healthy physical body being with me right now, but our love for each other grew so much during the years that he was sick.  When I look past the sickly pictures I am looking past some of the growth and closeness of our relationship. Even though those years were extremely difficult and exhausting, I have very sweet memories of times we shared, and the things we expressed to one another in quiet moments.

I have been doing a ton of reading lately, mostly about the Second Coming and the spirit world.  I recently came across the following passage that brings me such peace and comfort. It is a quote from Parley P. Pratt who was speaking about the interest the spirits beyond the veil hold in their mortal loved ones.

"...we frequently hold communication with our departed father, mother, brother, sister, son or daughter; or with the former husband or wife of our bosom, whose affection for us, being rooted and grounded in the eternal elements, or issuing from under the sanctuary of love's eternal fountain, can never be lessened or diminished by death, distance of space, or length of years....

With that tenderness of love, with what solicitude of affection will they watch over our slumbers, hang about our pillows, and seek to communicate with our spirits, to warn us of dangers or temptation, to comfort and soothe our sorrow, or to ward off the ills which might befall us, or perchance to give us some kind token of remembrance of undying love." --Life Everlasting, quote from Parley P. Pratt

Before we left to take our pictures in the canyon I was getting my camera ready and came across a note Trent had given me over three years ago.  For some reason I have kept it in a pocket in the camera bag.  In my mind I only remember it saying, 'I Love You'.  But when I opened it again it said, "Holly, I love you.  I miss you.  I want to be with you.--Trent".  This, of course, brought on the tears.  I believe it is just one of the many ways that Trent is sending me a "remembrance of undying love."

This whole process is so hard to fathom.  I think I am still in a fog and have not fully wrapped my mind around what has happened.  I do not feel whole without Trent.  It feels as though a part of me has died and I will never be whole until I am with Trent again.  When I think of myself, I think of this...a part of a whole.

Forever, For Always, No Matter What