Good Hearted Man-Literally

We had a pretty emotional night last night.  It has been difficult lately as we are back on the rollercoaster of emotions.  I long for Trent to feel good again, to share an embrace where I am not standing over his bedside awkwardly trying to hug him without hurting his chest.  Last night I crawled in bed beside him and tried to be very still and not hurt him.  Then the floodgates opened.  I cried until his shirt was wet and my eyes were dry.  I miss him so much!  I miss having his arms around me and feeling protected by him.  Someday...

We were very excited for today for many reasons.  In addition to the temple session for the First Presidency, our families,ward, and many of you fasted for us.  I was really anticipating having a sweet spirit fill my heart all day and was looking forward to that peace.  Oh how the adversary works on us!  After being up several times with Trent last night we were both up very early.  I woke up kind of glum and Trent was a bit irritated.  That made for a difficult morning. 

We had a wonderful nurse, Karen, who was very diligent in getting Trent his morphine right on schedule and that seemed to help quite a bit.  You could see him relax as soon as the drugs kicked in.  His breathing evened out and he was much calmer.  He had an EKG and an Echocardiogram today.  We haven't been given any final report from the cardiologist yet but both technicians said that there was nothing alarming on the tests.  Thank goodness for that!  That feels like a small victory for us because of all the chest pain Trent has had as of late.  

Trent has been coughing up more blood and was fasting all day in anticipation of having another bronchoscopy today.  Finally at about 5:30 this evening Dr. Carr decided that it really wouldn't do any good to do the bronchoscopy because there is probably not a lot they can do about it.  Bottom line is, the tumor HAS to shrink to provide some relief.  (Yes, Trent was STARVING!)

Throughout the day Trent struggled with nausea.  The nurses were throwing everything they could at him to ease the nausea.  Karen even suggested sniffing the alcohol wipes.  Turns out that doesn't really work for Trent but the cool rag on the head seems to. 

We had some good moments today.  We got to talk to our kids for a bit and they seem to be doing well.  At times it is hard to not look back and wonder if thing could have been different.  However, we have to stay in the present and have faith that this is what the Lord has planned for us.  I was thinking today about how audacious it is of me to think that my way is best.  My vision is short and very nearsighted so I have to rely on the Lord to guide us through the dark, knowing that only He can see the end.  

Recently I was reading on another cancer patient's blog.  His wife wrote of three things she had learned through their battle and I have not been able to get them out of my mind. 

1. Faith if He doesn't.

2. Faith that He can.

3. Hope that He will.

I think that pretty much sums it up.  I must have faith that if the Lord doesn't heal Trent, that it was for our good and our sorrows will be made up to us someday, faith that the Lord is certainly capable of healing Trent and restoring his health, and hope that the Lord sees fit to heal Trent in this life. 

We are both very grateful for all the prayers, fasting, and support we have been given.  We are especially mindful of the blessing of having Trent's name in many, many temples.  We are eternally grateful for the privilege of being prayed for by name by the prophet of God.  We have great faith that has been strengthened today and our hope is for a miracle.