We Almost Lost Him

Sunday night my dad gave Trent a very beautiful blessing.  He blessed him that he would have strength and determination to endure what lay ahead, he blessed the medical staff through him that their actions would be 100% correct and the procedures would be flawless.  He blessed him that he would be a strength and would give encouragement to others in the same situation.  He then reaffirmed the blessing from Bishop Hahne, that he would live to raise his children to maturity.  It was so incredibly reassuring.

Trent had a very, very hard week.  He was in so much pain and was vomiting and very lethargic.  We knew he needed blood and were very anxious to get to Boston to get it for him.  At the last minute Trent's friend, Nate, said he was coming with us.  Normally I would refuse and say I can do it myself, but this time, it felt right.

When we said goodbye to the kids it was hard.  Jarom wanted to goof around, Mallory wanted to hug for a long time, Megan gave a semi-quick hug then was out the door.  When I hugged Zach his little body just shook.   That tore my heart out!  Jonny, of course, doesn't understand we will be gone for so long.

At the SLC airport we were met by an employee at baggage check who remembered us from two weeks ago. She was very helpful to us last time after we explained our situation.  This time she told me her husband had passed away from Melanoma on September 23 and two weeks ago we were the first cancer patients she had seen since her husband's death.  She told me that after we left she lost it and broke down.  That was really hard because I am guessing she is very close to my age.

The first leg of the flight was horrendous.  Trent was so ill.  He was hallucinating and sweating and freezing all at the same time.  I sat by a guy named Ty Schuman from Pocatello.  He was a cancer survivor himself who had chosen to use natural therapies.  He ended up massaging Trent's hands to get him to calm down.  The flight attendant offered us oxygen for Trent but then we found out that if he took it the paramedics would be waiting at the gate for him and would have to give him clearance to board the next flight.  We were worried we would miss the connecting flight so we didn't do it.  The second leg was better but only a little.  Trent slept most of the flight while I stared at his chest to make sure he was still breathing.  Nate and I agreed that as soon as we landed he was going to the hospital.  But Trent didn't want to go and he seemed a little better so we went to the hotel.

Last night was horrible.  Trent had been doing the bowel prep for surgery and was miserable.  At 5:30 eastern time, 3:30 mountain time, I finally gave up and took a shower, knowing I would not be going back to sleep.  We got to the hospital early for pre-op.

We met with AMAZING nurse practitioner named Donna.  She was perfect for me today.  She totally listened to everything I had to say and was 100% in my corner.  I was nervous that Trent was too sick for surgery and knew he REALLY needed blood.  She kept saying, "You know your husband better than anybody and all you have to say is, 'I feel uncomfortable with...'"  After visiting with her we went straight to Dr. Sugarbaker's clinic and demanded to see a PA.  They finally tested everything and the results were shocking.  His blood pressure was 65/32, his temperature 94 degrees.  He hematocrit was 21 and his hemoglobin was 6.7!  I was mortified!  His kidneys and liver were in failure!  They took him straight down to the ER because a room would not be available upstairs for another 5 hours.  In the ER his blood pressure dropped to 50/? they couldn't even get a diastolic reading.  They did an ultrasound of his heart and as soon as I saw that black screen I knew what was happening.  His pericardium was filled with fluid.  Normally there is 100-150 cc of fluid there but his was filled with 1 1/2 liters!  I had to sign all sorts of consent forms to put a tube under his xyphoid process to remove fluid from his pericardium.  If they couldn't do that quickly enough they would him open him up, possibly spilling cancerous blood into his abdomen.  They ushered us out of his room and whisked him away.

I was really calm all day.  I didn't shed a tear through it all.  When Dr. DaSilva came back to talk to me he told me he removed all the fluid from around his heart and that surgery was not going to happen tomorrow.  Ya think!?  The fear now is that fluid around his heart has cancer in it, or the heart has cancer in it.  Test results will come in a couple of days.  Dr. DaSilva said that would change the surgery strategy.  He also mentioned that the surgery was palliative care.   What!?  I said that my intent was a cure and was told that the surgery was curative.  He stumbled all over himself and said that they never said that.  WRONG!!!  I would not have dragged Trent clear across the country for palliative care!  However, what he said does not change how I feel.  Trent will make it through this.  I KNOW that!

As we were sitting in the ICU waiting room it was like I was in a fog.  I couldn't hear anything except my pleas to Heavenly Father.  There was a woman about 50 feet away from me speaking about her loved one on the phone.  Out of everything else that was going on, I clearly heard her say, "This is just a minor setback, he's going to be just fine."  It clicked.  That was intended for my ears only.

We finally got to see Trent.  He didn't remember anything and was kind of loopy on meds still.  When I had to say goodbye for the night I let some tears slip.  Trent had no idea he almost died today.  He does not remember any of it.  Lucky him.

Nate was great all day.  I barely spoke to him at all.  I was totally inside my own brain.  It was nice that he understood that.  We finally made our way back to the hotel.  I walked in my room, dropped my bags and fell to my knees.  I prayed and cried and prayed and cried.  After a few minutes my tears just stopped.  I felt so calm.  I KNOW Trent is going to live.  I felt such a feeling of peace that I was being heard.  Obviously the path has changed somewhat and the road may be longer and even more difficult than we planned.  But we have not been left alone and I felt that.