Feed your FAITH and your fears will starve .

Friday, December 30, 2011

Not Such a Bad Day

When we left the Infusion Room last night Trent was mad!  We had been there all day long and he had had enough.  After the chemo and two units of blood, we had been there for 10 hours.  That was a very long day.

The ride home was pretty emotional.  Trent was so frustrated at the whole situation and I tried to weep as silently as possible to not make anything worse.  By the time we got home I had a killer headache, Trent was completely worn out, and we still had to talk to the kids.  We gathered all five children around us and tried to give them an update without scaring them too much.  Unfortunately Trent was somewhat out of his mind at the time.  I think his actions may have scared them more than anything.  I told them that we didn't get very good news and that we were on our last chance.  We talked about needing to pray even more than we have been and having more faith.  Mallory and Zach started to cry while Megan and Jarom just listened.  Jonathan was more concerned about getting Daddy "medicine"-an unwrapped Hershey Kiss that had been in his germy little hand.  Sweet, but way too gross!  I was pretty emotional while we talked and I am sure that didn't give them a whole lot of peace about what they were hearing.

Trent got up to use the restroom and the kids left.  I lost it.  I just sat on the couch and sobbed while my mom rocked me like a baby.  It was horrible.  My whole body hurt.  I have only known a few times in my life how physically painful emotional pain can be.  No wonder Christ bled from every pore.  I felt as if my heart would tear right out.

Trent and I fell asleep on the couch before we finally went to bed at 1:00 am.  I didn't sleep until around 3:30 and then was wide awake and bawling again at 6:00 am.  Needless to say, it was a rough night.  When I woke up this morning I kind of felt like everything was in a fog.  I was going through the motions and not really feeling anything.  The last few days are such a blur.  Trent has had his turn with the emotions too.  He is so physically and mentally tired of being sick.  I know it weighs heavily on him.  I told him I would fight until he said to stop.  I pray so hard that he never says it.  That would break my heart.  He has been so strong and I can't believe all that he has suffered.  I have been by his side the whole way but I know I have no idea how bad it has really been.

Trent was able to rest for most of the day.  He had a rough morning with a bit of nausea but has been able to keep most of his food down.  I have been pushing fluids on him all day trying to keep him hydrated.  While he slept I ran out and got a bunch of different Ensure and Boost drinks, tons of hand sanitizer, and more medicine.  I am determined to be ready for whatever comes.

This afternoon Trent's dad came down to visit.  I know that helps Trent a lot.  I think the big thing right now is to keep Trent's spirits up and having his dad here is comforting to him.

My dad made a few arrangements today on the sly.  He called an old high school friend of mine, Scott Monson.  Recognize the last name?  He is President Monson's nephew.  We used to be really great friends but as of late my dad is better buddies with him than I am.  So after a couple of phone calls, it was arranged for Trent's name to be on the prayer roll in the temple session for the First Presidency on Tuesday.   In this session they mention each person by name.  I started to cry when my dad told me.  We will be fasting on that day and would appreciate your prayers as well.


  1. I have been following your blog since all this started and I am impressed with your valiant efforts as you deal with the most horrible thing in life- cancer! I have three kids with a fatal genetic disease and watching someone suffer is the worse thing ever!!! I have learned something about God in all our struggles...he is an 11th hour God. It isn't until the "Moment of great alarm" that he swoops down to rescue us. He never rescued His disciples until they had been tossed around a few hours on the sea and then feel like they were dying. He quietly walked out on the water and peace prevailed! As I read tonight's post, it sounds like you are at that moment! Hang on and hang in there...the light will come. He will come, we don't know how he will make things right but you will know and you will feel His peace. Whatever else suffering is, it is not a waste of time! My prayers are ever with yours. Blessings, Kathy

  2. Many, many prayers and positive thoughts being sent your way!

  3. We will join our prayers and faith with yours. You are stronger than you think you are...and so is Trent...and so are your kids.

  4. We love you. We love you. We love you.

  5. Holly, this is Carrie Robinson, I've been following your blog for about six months now. I'm so sorry you are going through this! We will include your family in our fast on Sunday, and please know that you've been in and will continue to be in our prayers. Love from an old friend!

  6. Lots of love, prayer, faith and fasting for your family.

  7. I think of you often, and pray for your sweet family daily. Today in relief society I heard this quote and I loved it, and it made me think of you. I think it's from Elder Ballard:

    "When suffering, we may in fact be nearer to God than we've ever been in our entire lives. That knowledge can turn every such situation into a would-be temple. Regarding our earthly journey, our Lord has promised, 'I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left. My spirit shall be in your hearts and mine angels round about you to bear you up.' That is an everlasting declaration of God's love and care for us, including, and perhaps especially, in times of trouble."

  8. Holly we will be thinking of you and praying for you even more this week. Keep waiting on the Lord and He will be there for you.

  9. Oh Holly,

    We think of you often and wish there was something we could do to help you and your family. We pray for you and will fast for you and Trent as you face this latest trial.
    The Butters family