Ridiculously Hard Weekend

I knew it would come.  I have been feeling so much better lately that I knew the backwards slide would come eventually.  Last week as the six month mark was coming closer I could feel myself slipping back into the heavy grief that I have worked so hard to come out of.  Trent was on my mind 100% of the time and I miss him so much!  I can still hear his laugh, see his smile, and know exactly how he would react to any situation.  Thankfully, most of those memories are not of sick Trent.   I have found that when I think of Trent it is almost always the happy, healthy,  pre-cancer Trent that comes to mind.

Last Thursday marked six months closer for us.  Again, I attempted a carrot cake in Trent's honor.  At two months the carrot cake was an epic fail.  After that, the Pursers, from my ward, brought over a new recipe for me to try.  Can you say AMAZING?!!!  It was so good that I am going to share it on the blog so that anyone else who would like to honor Trent can do so with the most amazing carrot cake I have ever tasted.  We even had to rename it.  It is now affectionately referred to as "Daddy Cake" by all of our kids.

Daddy Cake

Mix well together:

3 eggs

1 1/4 c. oil

2 c. grated carrots

2 1/2 c. flour

1 t. soda

1 t. cinnamon

2 c. sugar

1 c. crushed pineapple (drained)

3/4 t. cloves (we didn't have any so I substituted nutmeg)

1/2 t. salt

1 t. vanilla

3/4 c. chopped nuts (we used walnuts)

Bake @ 350 degrees until it bounces back when touched.  I baked it in a cookie sheet and it took about 25 minutes.

Frosting:

3 oz. cream cheese

1 box of powdered sugar (I don't buy powdered sugar in a box so I just dumped enough in to make it yummy)

1/2 stick of butter, softened

1 t. vanilla

Sprinkle iced cake with chopped nuts.

We took the cake and headed to Rexburg for our nephew's wedding.  It was in the Idaho Falls Temple which is the same temple that Trent and I were married in.  I was really hoping that it would not be the same sealing room, which it was not.  Again, my choice of seating was not great.  I was seated on the front row, right in front of the altar, with a clear view into the mirrors.  Ugh.  That was hard.  Needless to say, I did a whole lot of blinking while staring at the ceiling.  It didn't work though, I still bawled.  I held it together pretty well clear until I got downstairs to put on my shoes and coat.  Trent's brother, Travis was right there and I basically fell into his arms and sobbed.  He rocked me and shushed me as gently as Trent would have.  I was really hoping to have a clear knowledge that Trent was in the temple with us, but I didn't.  I am sure he was there but I didn't feel him.  Travis said he knew he was there and that he suddenly had a feeling that he should come and hug me.  He said he felt like that was Trent telling him what to do.  

The reception that night was just as hard.  I had to escape a couple of times to bawl.  Each time I thought I was okay I would make my way back to the party only to have another wave of emotion hit me.  And each time, Travis was there with open arms to comfort me.  Really all of Trent's family was very attentive and sensitive to how difficult it would be for me.  At one point Jake, the groom, took time away from his reception to seek me out to comfort me.  He sat with his arm around me and bore his testimony of the Atonement and its healing power.  A little later BJ, Trent's cousin, walked up and placed his 13 day old daughter in my arms and said he just felt like I needed to hold her.  He has no idea how badly I needed to hold that little girl!  I firmly believe that a little piece of heaven comes down with each child and I really needed heaven close to me right then.  I truly have been blessed to be surrounded by such amazing people.  

On Saturday I was getting ready to go to a spinning class with my sister-in-law, Angie.  Out of the blue Mallory told me she didn't want me to get remarried because she didn't want to have a step dad.  I assured her that nothing like that was happening any time soon and that any decision I ever made regarding that would be made with my kids in mind first.  I told her that no one would/could ever replace Trent.  She said she really just wanted someone to come to our house and comfort us each day and play with us.  She then continued to describe the concept of the "group home" in detail.  I laughed out loud because I have thought for a while that it was the perfect solution for everyone in  my situation.  The plan is to build a large home with several wings and a spacious commons area.  That way, all of us who have lost a spouse can have our own wing for our families but when we need companionship we can meet in the commons area.  Great idea, right?!  hahaha

The weekend was full of memories of Trent for me.  I see similarities between Trent and his siblings and it pulls at my heart strings.  On the way home I listened to the CD that Trent always used to calm down and bring in the Spirit.  It was hard to listen to and I bawled almost all the way home.  I miss him so much but I also know that he expects me to carry on and make something out of my life.  I have to be engaged in life and working hard to accomplish all that the Lord needs me to.  Trent's earthly mission is complete but I am still here, obviously not finished with my mission.  That is so frustrating and it makes me so sad.  But I heard a funny quote the other day that has helped lift my mood several times.  "Whenever I am sad, I stop being sad and start being awesome."  I think it is pretty funny but it also reminds me that I have a choice.  I can be sad and wallow in my grief, or I can pick myself up and do something productive.  It is a choice that I have to make every single day.  Sometimes I have to make that choice several times a day.  Sometimes I don't make the right decision.  But I am learning and getting stronger as time goes by and I think that is what the Lord intends.