Lessons Learned

The past week has been quite the emotional roller coaster for me.  Thankfully the highs are getting higher and the lows don't dip as low.  I feel like I am doing much better than before although I am not so naive to think I will not have setbacks.

Last Saturday I got to spend some time with Mark and LaDena.  They both picked my brain about several things and I was happy to share with them.  In doing so, I realized how far I have come.  Mark told me that he had been very concerned about me but felt like I was better.  I shed a few tears while at their house and after I left, but they felt more like cleansing tears that left me a little shaky but not broken.

That night I got to visit Shea, a friend who is battling colon cancer.  She and Trent formed a really tight bond and we just love her!  She is the sweetest, most adorable woman ever and it breaks my heart to know she is suffering.  She shared with me some of the things she has learned and some of the things she fears.  We had a great visit and I am so glad I went.

Sunday morning was Stake Conference.  I had to sing in the choir and just happened to be seated just behind the speakers, on camera the entire time!  AARRGGHH!  Lucky for the whole stake, they all got a real up-close and personal view of every emotion that I experienced during the meeting.  Unfortunately that included a meltdown.  As part of my dad's talk, he asked Mallory to stand and sing, "Reverently, Quietly".  He stood next to her with his arm around her while she sang a solo at the pulpit.  When she was done he kissed her on the head and turned to the audience and said, "I just love it when we can feel Trent here."  I was already bawling because Mallory had done such a great job but that comment sent me over the edge.  The tears were coming like a waterfall.  I finally was handed a fistful of tissues which I continued to soak for the remainder of the meeting.  Wowza.

This week has also been a real eye opener for me with Jarom.  He can be pretty tough to handle sometimes and I am often left wondering what in the world to do with him.  On Tuesday night he made me promise that I would get up and exercise with him at 6:00 am.  Well, that didn't happen because I was too tired to get my batootie out of bed.  He was upset when he realized we had missed our time.  I made him get in bed with me, mostly because I was still too tired to get up.  I cuddled up to him and told him how much I loved him and how much Dad loves him too.  He resisted at first but quickly settled down.  We now have a standing cuddle appointment each morning at 6:05am (or whenever I wake up).  Who knew that was what he was needing?  It is sometimes hard for me to remember that even though that giant kid is almost as big as me, he is still only nine years old and needs his mommy to cuddle him every once in a while.

I think I am finally coming out of myself enough to see what the kids are needing.  I would like to think that I have been a great mom and have been in tune to each child as they grieve, but realistically, I think I have missed a lot.  I learned that Zach needs family time.  He is feeling like we don't gather together as much as we used to, even though we gather for scripture study nightly.  He wants more of the hang-out and have fun time.  I learned that Jarom needs cuddle time.  One-on-one time with Mom and a little tickle on his arms does wonders for that kid.  I learned that Megan needs to hear "I love you" more than I give her.  I assume she knows it but vocalizing it more regularly and sincerely has helped both of us.

This morning was particularly difficult for me.  All sorts of thoughts were swirling through my already tired brain.  Repeatedly the tears would come only to stop seconds later and be replaced by feelings of peace.  It seemed that every time I tried to cry to release my emotions, my heart was instantly calmed.  I prayed for a while then got up and read the February Ensign.  Of course I felt like there were several articles in it that were written just for me.  One quote that I read today was especially sweet.

"I wish to speak particularly to you who feel your lives are broken, seemingly beyond repair. To all such I offer the surest and sweetest remedy that I know.  It is found in the clarion call the Savior of the world Himself gave...'Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.'"---Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Of all the things I have learned this week, I hold one most sacred and dear.  I learned that by turning to the Savior and putting all of my trust in Him, I have found more peace than any other way.  I used to read the quote above and associate it with dying and receiving rest at the end of our lives.  But now I see it differently.  By turning to the Savior now, I am receiving rest from my burdens in the form of unexpected blessings.  I am being blessed with more joy, more peace, and more love---things I thought I could never fully partake of again.

(Of course I have also learned to be very careful when choosing my seat at Stake Conference...) :)