I have thought a lot about all the things that we do to cope with the loss of a loved one. What comforts us, what triggers us, and what we just can't handle. I would love to be a fly on the wall in other people's lives to see if what I do is normal because I know I do some weird things.
Things that comfort me:
1. Hearing Trent's voice on my voicemail.
2. Seeing his clothes in his closet.
3. Seeing his handwriting.
4. Putting Trent's name on my tithing slip.
5. Wearing Trent's socks. I wear his socks everyday. When I go to the temple I wear his socks, even though they are way too big for me. If you ever see me at the temple and the heel of my stockings is on the back of my leg it is not because I don't own stockings that fit me, it is because I am taking Trent to the temple with me. :)
6. Sleeping with Trent's "heart pillow".
7. Sleeping on his side of the bed.
8. Smelling his cologne or deodorant.
9. Seeing bits and pieces of Trent in each one of our kids.
10. Talking about Trent.
Things that trigger me:
1. Seeing someone with similar physical traits as Trent.
2. Hearing his voice on my voicemail.
3. Seeing his clothes in his closet. Especially the pair of shorts he wore last that still have his belt in them.
4. Seeing a hearse.
5. Hospital stuff.
6. Seeing the 'perfect' happy family whose lives look free from any pain.
7. Who knows? I get triggered by all sorts of things that I would never expect at times when I least expect it.
Things I just can't handle:
1. Thinking Trent is near and I can't feel him.
2. Thinking about how long I might live without him.
3. Thinking that I may someday forget how to love him because he has been gone for so long.
4. Knowing that someone I love is suffering. I think I have watched enough suffering in my life already.
5. Thinking that I won't be able to measure up to what my life is supposed to be because I am lost in my grief.
Today has been a little rough for me but I still think I am doing way better than before. I am able to bounce back a little quicker when grief knocks me down. Granted, I am a little shaky when I bounce back...but at least I do.
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I'm right there with you. Granted I don't have Todd's clothes in the closet anymore, but when I did, I felt the same way. I still have a bag of his G's that I haven't disposed of yet :( There will always be triggers. Some, over time, don't get quite a reaction as they used to, but they still pull at your heart. It's all about learning to live with them, I suppose. There have been times for me that a trigger will actually bring me peace. Other times they're just hard to deal with. Sometimes I embrace them, sometimes I push them away. It's just hard. You're always in my thoughts...
ReplyDeleteYour pain makes me hurt. I've had a hard week because I've been sick I guess and that whole hospital thing made me sad. I miss him tonight. I don't know how you do it, Holly, but I'm thankful that you keep trudging through it. Of all you wrote I can guarantee, you will never forget how to love Trent. It doesn't happen. You will love him even more sacredly over time. He is close. Everyday brings us closer to him but we need to live right now and we need to live well so he can be happy and proud of us. But.......I do wish he could just walk through the door. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteWe can sympathize with one of your triggers, Holly. In our ward is a fellow who looks remarkably like Trent. Same tall build and facial features, including the easy smile and friendly eyes. A couple of months ago, he came to the pulpit on Fast Sunday to bear his testimony of eternal families. He was relatively new in the ward at that time and apparently had recently lost a close brother. Hearing his experience while seeing his familiar face was a little more than Travis could bear at the moment and he had to step out into the hall to compose himself. Now that we're more used to seeing him and we don't do a double-take anymore, it's comforting in a way-- not that we'll ever forget what Trent looked like physically, but to see those familiar features every week is a nice feeling. Maybe that's what Stephanie means about triggers sometimes bringing peace.
ReplyDeleteAnd like Jo, it's impossible to imagine you'd ever forget how to love Trent-- especially when you're surrounded by your children whose "bits and pieces" of him are so comforting to you. Those kids will keep your mind and heart eternally connected to your memories of loving their father.