I have thought a lot about all the things that we do to cope with the loss of a loved one. What comforts us, what triggers us, and what we just can't handle. I would love to be a fly on the wall in other people's lives to see if what I do is normal because I know I do some weird things.
Things that comfort me:
1. Hearing Trent's voice on my voicemail.
2. Seeing his clothes in his closet.
3. Seeing his handwriting.
4. Putting Trent's name on my tithing slip.
5. Wearing Trent's socks. I wear his socks everyday. When I go to the temple I wear his socks, even though they are way too big for me. If you ever see me at the temple and the heel of my stockings is on the back of my leg it is not because I don't own stockings that fit me, it is because I am taking Trent to the temple with me. :)
6. Sleeping with Trent's "heart pillow".
7. Sleeping on his side of the bed.
8. Smelling his cologne or deodorant.
9. Seeing bits and pieces of Trent in each one of our kids.
10. Talking about Trent.
Things that trigger me:
1. Seeing someone with similar physical traits as Trent.
2. Hearing his voice on my voicemail.
3. Seeing his clothes in his closet. Especially the pair of shorts he wore last that still have his belt in them.
4. Seeing a hearse.
5. Hospital stuff.
6. Seeing the 'perfect' happy family whose lives look free from any pain.
7. Who knows? I get triggered by all sorts of things that I would never expect at times when I least expect it.
Things I just can't handle:
1. Thinking Trent is near and I can't feel him.
2. Thinking about how long I might live without him.
3. Thinking that I may someday forget how to love him because he has been gone for so long.
4. Knowing that someone I love is suffering. I think I have watched enough suffering in my life already.
5. Thinking that I won't be able to measure up to what my life is supposed to be because I am lost in my grief.
Today has been a little rough for me but I still think I am doing way better than before. I am able to bounce back a little quicker when grief knocks me down. Granted, I am a little shaky when I bounce back...but at least I do.