Another "First" Conquered...Well, Survived

Well we survived Trent's birthday and managed to fit a few fun moments in between the tears.  Tuesday night I got together with my widow/widower friends.  We laughed so hard that my abs were killing me!  It felt so good to hurt from laughter and not crying.  I was hoping all the laughing would carry me through a very difficult "first".  When I got up Wednesday I was still giggling about the night before and I was sure the day was going to be fine.  WRONG!  I made "Daddy Cake" for Trent and got the day started.  Not long after that I read some things that made the tears start.  Megan also posted a picture of Trent on FB with her birthday wish to him and it made me cry even more.  My mom came in and tried to comfort me but I completely shut her out.  I am not sure why.  I just wanted to be alone and have my time to cry.  The day was filled with tears and memories.  It was so weird to celebrate without Trent.  I wasn't sure if I should decorate the dining room and make a poster for him like we always do.  I ended up not doing it, I just couldn't.

I had to coach a soccer practice for Jarom's team, did I mention I am coaching soccer?  Poor kid, his coach is clueless! :)  At practice I ran into a woman I had gone to school with whose son is now on my team.  She mentioned she had read my blog and was very sympathetic.  I was sure that I looked like I had been run over by a truck because of all the tears I had cried that day.  I thanked her and told her it had been a rough day because of Trent's birthday.  When she came back to pick up her son she brought me a box of Idle Isle chocolates.  She couldn't have known how much I love those and her kindness was a huge boost to me that day.

I hurried home from practice and loaded all the kids in the burb to go to the cemetery.  Trent's sister had sent 40 balloons which we tied notes to and took with us.  We sang "Happy Birthday" to Trent but I couldn't finish it.  I made it all the way to the third line before I broke down and sobbed.  I had to take a moment to say 'hi' to Shea, our friend who passed away last week.  She is buried right at the foot of Trent's grave.  That was comforting for some reason.  I hate that she is there at all but I am glad she is by Trent.

Getting ready to release the birthday wishes!

Our notes on their way to Trent.

Jonny had a fit because his balloon floated away.  Ummmm...that is the point Jonny!

On the way to eat dinner we saw the most amazing rainbow.  It made me happy because the kids all remembered a time when Trent chased a rainbow for them, trying to find the pot of gold at the end.  But then it made me sad because I knew that the Second Coming would not be happening this year.  Bummer.

We ate dinner at Red Robin.  When we were in Nebraska we ate there once and we decided that their jingle would be our secret way to tell each other that we loved our family.  One person would sing, "Red Robin" and the rest of the family finished off with "YUMM!"  We have kept that going for the past five years.  We all know what to do and we all know what it means.  I was really trying to put on a happy face but several times I had to pull myself out of my own head and remind myself to pay attention to the kids.  We had a pretty good time and made it through dinner mostly unscathed.  We went home and ate the most delicious Daddy Cake and I put the kids to bed.  I was so ready for them to be asleep.  I felt like I had lived a hundred days in one.  I felt like I had accomplished a big first, then I realized I have to do it again in 364 more days.  Ugh!

The next day was the seven month closer mark.  I can't believe it has been seven months since Trent passed away.  It is still so surreal.  I feel like I must be living someone else's life.  Mine was not supposed to be this way.  But I am learning that I can choose to be upset about what should have been or I can carry on and make the best of what I have been given.  It truly is a choice.  I know what Trent wants me to do and I know what the Lord expects me to do.  So I choose to make my actions and attitude be something that Trent would be proud of.  I want him to cheer me on in my life, not worry that I am not strong enough or be disappointed with my decisions.  Little by little we are making it, conquering surviving one "first" at a time.