And....The Crash Finally Happened

The holidays are done.  We survived.  Barely.

A few weeks ago Brad and I spent some time in SLC with Marc and Aly so we could do some Christmas shopping.  While we were there we ran into my friend and fellow widow, Stephanie.  I was so shocked and thrilled to see her.  She is also remarried and is doing amazing.  She is a super positive and real person and I have learned a lot from her.  

Aly, Me, and Stephanie

Because Brad and I are very different in how we do Christmas I was really nervous for the holidays.  But despite that it was really nice to shop with someone this year.  Last year was almost more than I could handle, watching all the couples shopping hand in hand, smelling perfumes, picking gifts.  Ugh.  Yuck.  That was hard.  Thankfully I was one of the lucky people this year and it was so comforting to have my hand in Brad's while we shopped.

 Marc, Brad, Aly, and I got to attend the Christmas program of "Music and the Spoken Word" at the Conference Center in Salt Lake.  It was an amazing show.  The music was outstanding!  I have never been so in awe of one's musical talents as I was when I watched the organ soloist.  He was phenomenal!  We had a great weekend, as always.  Every time we are with Marc and Aly we laugh our heads off.  It feels so good to be able to laugh so hard you cry.

Marc, Aly, Me, Brad

 A few days later Megan asked me out to dinner, which I paid for. ;)  That works out well for her.  We went to Noodles and Company and laughed throughout the entire meal.  We decided she is going to get a job just long enough to learn how to  make the Tomato Basil Bisque.  It is so good!  After we stuffed ourselves with soup and noodles we headed over to Sweetly Divine for more deliciousness.  Yumm!

Me and my Megan-love her so much!

The closer Christmas got the more nervous I became.  I handled everything well outwardly but inside I was anxious and missing Trent immensely.  I was excited to share a Christmas with Brad and his kids but I was really torn between that and missing Trent and our life before cancer.  Our families have different traditions and because we all wanted to do the things we did with our spouses/parents it was hard to decide what to do.  It really became an issue at times, with kids fighting about how Christmas morning was going to go.  We tried our best to give everyone the best memory we could.  I am not sure how successful we were but we had a few kids come tell us that this was the "best Christmas ever".  We may change things up a little next year and do things a little differently though.  

Christmas Jammies!!!!
Megan, Zach, Jarom, Carter, Jack, Jonny, Mallory, Ryen, and Charlie

Christmas Eve was tough for me.  I had to slip away several times to hide my emotion.  I know Brad was doing the same thing.  There were so many memories flooding through my mind and all I could think about was how much Trent loved Christmas and how my kids deserved to celebrate that with their dad.  For traditions' sake, on Christmas day Brad took his kids and went to Idaho and I took mine and went to Brigham.  I am still not sure that was the best thing to do but it was what was decided. 

On the way down to Brigham I was asking the kids what was their favorite gift they gave, what was the favorite gift they got, what was their favorite part of Christmas, etc.  It was a nice conversation and I thought about how happy Trent must be.  I didn't feel him, but I am pretty sure he was with us, enjoying it every bit as much as we did.

For Christmas Jonny got his first fishing pole, and Spiderman mask, ahem.  We went ice fishing on Mantua Reservoir with my family.  I was on my way there and missed all the excitement but Court, my brother-in-law was with Jonny and told me this story: Jonny was sitting with his line in a hole and started screaming that he caught a fish.  Court's reaction was a little slow because he has heard that scream from his own kids a million times and rarely do they have a fish on the line.  But when he looked up Jonny's pole was bouncing like crazy.  He hurried over to help him but by the time he got there Jonny had already reeled in the fish and had it out on the ice.  Court said, "Jonny your dad would be so proud of you! That is amazing!"  Jonny quickly replied, "My dad was standing right next to me the whole time!"  I really hope he was.

Besides all the holidays we also got to celebrate a birthday.  Brad had his birthday the other day and it was really fun!  All day long I had a smile on my face while I prepared things for his big day.  The little kids got to help and they were all excited.  I really enjoy making a special day for birthdays and it was fun to shop for Brad this year.  I surprised him with a dinner our with our besties, Marc and Aly.  Part of the night was supposed to include ice skating but the rental shack was absolutely packed so we opted for a very foggy picture and then played card games until the wee hours of the morning.  What a fun birthday!

With all the busy-ness of the holidays, and a few ordering mishaps, we didn't get our Christmas cards sent out.  Instead, on New Years Eve I set up a tripod and crossed my fingers.  Luckily we were able to get a decent family photo on our front steps.  It was a hard thing to do logistically and emotionally but I think it turned out well.

With the kids back to school I thought I had conquered the holidays and come out fairly unscathed.  That is what I get for thinking!  This morning I was pretty emotional and in disbelief again that this is the life that God had in store for me.  So I tackled a bunch of things on my to-do list and kept myself busy all day.  It wasn't until I took Zach to counseling tonight that the bomb went off.  Instead of Zach meeting with the counselor first, he asked if I would meet with him.  It was not a particularly emotional discussion we had but during the course of the conversation he told me that at the last meeting he had asked Zach what he would tell his dad if he were here and what he thought his dad would tell him.  That hit me hard.  Zach's dad is not here and it is so unfair! I would give anything to change that for him.  It kills me that my children's father cannot physically be here with them to see them grow and be their dad.  No one can do that for him.  Brad is wonderful and does as much as they will allow him to but he does not try to be their dad and I don't want him to.

The whole thing sent me into a downward spiral and I ended up bawling my eyes out on my bed while Brad tried to figure out what to do with me.  During the worst of the crying I got a call from Marc.  He is so good at following promptings and I wondered if he was prompted to call me at that moment.  We talked for a few moments and he helped me get out a few more tears.  While we were talking he reminded me how much Trent loves me and would do anything to help me be happy.  I know that is true and it was so nice to hear it. Thanks Markle!

I truly am blessed to have such amazing people in my life.  No matter how far or how hard the fall, they are there to pick me up.  As I type this, Brad is rubbing my feet with lotion in an attempt to calm me and hopefully help the tears subside.  It has been a pretty constant flow for several hours now.  But I know this will pass.  I will be okay.  And I will carry on, the best way I know how, surrounded by all the love and tender care that Trent can send my way.

I Believe

Thanksgiving was actually really pretty good for me this year.  It was always one of Trent's favorite holidays because he LOVED all the food!  The last few Thanksgivings have been crazy but this one was not and I was so grateful for that.  I missed him and wished he was with me but I also felt peace with the day.  We spent the day at my parents' house and the weather was unseasonably warm. After dinner Brad and I took a long walk and just spent some time talking.  I knew I needed to decorate Trent's grave and I had made the decorations and had everything ready, I just wasn't sure if I wanted Brad to be there.  When I told Brad I was going to go to the cemetery I surprised myself by asking him to come with me.  When we got there the styrofoam that was supposed to fit in the vases was way too big.  Brad and I shaved the styrofoam down to size with a plastic spoon and knife.  As we were sitting in the cold grass shaving styrofoam I was overwhelmed by how blessed I am.  It was totally surreal to be at my husband's grave, with my husband. But I was overcome by how much I am loved.  I have two amazing husbands who love me and are doing everything they can to help me be happy.  As I finished putting the final touches on the decorations the tears started.  Brad wrapped me in his arms and cried with me.  It was a very tender moment and I was so glad that I had asked Brad to go with me.  

A couple of days later I took Zach and went shooting with Marilee and Bret.  I gathered all of our pumpkins from the front porch and had a blast blowing them up.  I was feeling like Zach needed a little bit of time with me and it was a fun way to do it.  

 Zach has struggled a bit lately and I have tried to find time to spend just with him as much as I can.  It doesn't happen often but after FHE on Monday we had a few moments together.  We slipped away to Macey's and grabbed some oohhh-so-bad-for-you snacks! Pringles and Eggnog!  What could be better than that?

Then last weekend we went to Idaho for Brad's nephew's mission homecoming.  On the way up I took my kids and went to visit my grandpa and grandma.  It is easy to do since we have to drive two cars everywhere we go! ;) They were headed to bed when we got there...at 7 pm!  So we busted up their evening and spent a couple of hours talking and laughing with them.  My grandpa had a stroke about three years ago and has never been the same since.  I remember going with Trent to visit him in the hospital.  When we left I cried to Trent telling him that I didn't think I would ever see my grandpa alive outside that hospital again.  I never expected that Trent would pass away before he did.

While we were visiting, Jonny was his usual noisy self.  Grandpa quietly listened to our conversation until Jonny spoke.  Every time he heard his voice he would yell at him to leave me alone and be nice to me.  He kept threatening Jonny that he was going to "take him out back".  It was hilarious!  We laughed pretty hard about that.

Jonny (the terror), Me, and Grandpa Rounds

Me and Granny Rounds--she looks like she is scared of me!

Zach, Mallory, and Jarom

Zach, Granny, and Megan

Last week I was driving in the car with Jonny and we had a very interesting conversation.  It went something like this:
Jonny: Mom, is God strong?
Me: Yes, actually He is all powerful.
Jonny: So, He can lift a cow?
Me: Yep, He can even move mountains.
Jonny: Will I ever see that?
Me: I expect that you will.
It was a funny little conversation and of course the answers I gave him had another meaning but it got me thinking about what I believe about God.  Over the course of the past few years I have had to trust God more than ever before.  While Trent was battling cancer I put all of my trust in God, hoping and expecting a miracle.  Since Trent passed away I have had to dig deeper than ever before and trust God even more.  I have to trust that all that has been promised me will one day come to pass. I have to believe that Trent dying was in the plan and that at one time I knew about this plan and agreed to it.  I have to believe that the trials that I face are making me stronger and molding me into the person that Heavenly Father needs me to be. I have to believe that one day I will be reunited with Trent and all will be made right.

At this time of year my thoughts are also turned to our Savior and his miraculous birth.  I am so grateful for a Father in Heaven who loves us enough to send His Son to earth to be our Savior.  I believe He was born of a virgin, lived a perfect life, and atoned for my sins, pain, and sorrow.  I believe he was crucified and rose from the grave, providing the way for all of us to have eternal life.  I believe in a plan and a purpose for us beyond our comprehension that will one day give us ultimate happiness.  I believe in being happy here, now and making my life full and rich and satisfying.  I believe that is what Trent wants for me.  Yes, I believe.

Monday Always Follows Sunday

Last Sunday Brad, Megan, and myself all had to speak in Sacrament meeting.  We all knew about it for about three weeks beforehand.  I kept telling myself I was going to write my talk early and have lots of time to tweak it.  It was on my mind a little bit but it didn't get written until Saturday morning.  Because I was putting of writing my own talk, I was getting nervous about Megan having hers done too.  I kept asking if it was written and her reply was always, "Sure Mom, I have three scriptures.  I will be fine." What???!!!  I pressed her to write an actual talk but in the end she was right, and she did fabulous.  She stood up to the pulpit with nothing but her scriptures and taught us.  She spoke about when she was reading a scripture in 3 Nephi about Christ's visit to the Nephites after his resurrection.  She spoke about when Nephi saw Christ he knew who he was and knew him.  She stressed the importance of each of us having our own personal relationship with Christ so that we can know Him as well.

I have to admit, I was one proud mother at that point.  Megan is a great kid and I love her dearly. In that moment she impressed me so much.  She does not express a lot of emotion about Trent's passing and I don't always know what is in her head but I now know a little more about what is in her heart.

Brad spoke about Gratitude and all of the blessings his family received after Linda's passing.  He talked about the gratitude he felt for those people who cried with him over the death of his spouse and the fear that he had for Charlie's future.  He then talked about the miracles they had experienced in regards to Charlie's healing.  He expressed his gratitude for the growth that he had gone through as well.  He was quite emotional as were many in the congregation.

My topic was 'Thanks Be To God'.  Since mine is the only talk I have in digital form I will include it. 

In the Guide to the Scriptures under Thanks Be to God, it reads:

Gratitude for blessings received from God. Expressing gratitude is pleasing to God, and true worship includes thanking him. We should give thanks to the Lord for all things.

When we were asked to speak and given our topics the first thing that came to my mind was the story of the 10 Lepers which is found in Luke 17:12-19.

12 And as he entered into a certain village, there met him ten men that were lepers, which stood afar off:

 13 And they lifted up their voices, and said, Jesus, Master, have mercy on us.

 14 And when he saw them, he said unto them, Go shew yourselves unto the priests. And it came to pass, that, as they went, they were cleansed.

 15 And one of them, when he saw that he was healed, turned back, and with a loud voice glorified God,

 16 And fell down on his face at his feet, giving him thanks: and he was a Samaritan.

 17 And Jesus answering said, Were there not ten cleansed? but where are the nine?

 18 There are not found that returned to give glory to God, save this stranger.

 19 And he said unto him, Arise, go thy way: thy faith hath made thee whole.

When I read that passage the phrase that really stuck out to me was in verse 15. (read again) We should thank God with a loud voice.  This doesn’t mean that we are supposed to loudly proclaim our thanks, but we should let our actions speak loudly of what we believe and our gratitude to our Father in Heaven.  This is done through service and living the gospel every day.

When we first moved back to Brigham City after Trent was diagnosed, we decided to get a dog for the kids to distract them from their new reality.  Shortly after getting the dog, I lost him.  I don't know how, but he got out and ran away.  I packed up the kids in the bike trailer and went looking for him.  I recognized this as a teaching moment and pulled over to the side of the road and asked Mallory what she thought we should do. We decided to say a pray for help in finding Scout.  As soon as our prayer was finished we turned the corner and there in the middle of the road stood our dog.  I was so excited and told Mallory that our prayer had been answered!  We got Scout on a leash and started for home.  Mallory then reminded me that we should thank Heavenly Father for His help.  Here I was, being so proud of myself for teaching about prayer yet I was the one being taught about gratitude and thanking our Heavenly Father for all of our blessings, big and small.

Recently I have heard the question posed, “What if you woke up today with only what you thanked God for yesterday?”  I can assure you my list should be a lot longer than it is.  There are many things on that list; family, warm homes, health, talents, being able to provide for our families, a living prophet, the fullness of the gospel, temple ordinances.  The list could go on and on.  But the things that resonate most with me are the Atonement and the Plan of Salvation or the Plan of Happiness.

Neal A Maxwell spoke of the Plan of Happiness in an article in the Ensign in 1982.  He said, “Of course, this grand plan and design for our happiness is not something which exists merely to strike awe in us or to evoke gasps of gladness. It does not exist apart from us either, but completely involves us—painfully at times and happily at other times—but relentlessly always.

Our response to the realities of the plan should not be resignation or shoulder-shrugging fatalism—but reverential acceptance!"  Acceptance is a step in our growth that eventually will bring us to thankfulness.

"Therefore, our faith in and thanksgiving for Heavenly Father, so far as this mortal experience is concerned, consists—not simply of a faith and gladness that he exists—but also includes faith and thanksgiving for his tutoring of us to aid our acquisition of needed attributes and experiences while we are in mortality. We trust not only the Designer but also his design of life itself—including our portion thereof!” (Neal A Maxwell)

Our family is one that knows well what a gift the Plan of Happiness is.  As Elder Maxwell said, it is not always the ‘happiness’ part that we experience, in fact we are meant to experience some pain, but eventually, eternally, we will enjoy the fullness of the Plan of Happiness.

Russell M Nelson said, “God is the same yesterday, today, and forever, but we are not. Each day, ours is the challenge to access the power of the Atonement so that we can truly change, become more Christlike, and qualify for the gift of exaltation and live eternally with God, Jesus Christ, and our families.33 For these powers, privileges, and gospel gifts, thanks be to God!”

The following is a favorite story of mine that teaches about the Atonement:

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in a room. There were no distinguishing features in this room save the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I Have Liked". I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one.

And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match.

A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.

A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I Have Betrayed".

The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. "Books I Have Read", "Lies I Have Told", "Comfort I Have Given", "Jokes I Have Laughed At". Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've Yelled at My Brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger", "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents". I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped.

I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my 20 years to write each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.

When I pulled out the file marked "Songs I Have Listened To", I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time I knew that file represented.

When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts", I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.

An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: "No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In an insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.

Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it. The title --- "People I Have Shared the Gospel With". The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.

And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that the hurt started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.

But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one?

Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.

Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.

"No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine.

It was written with His blood.

He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished."

I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

In the past few years I have learned a great deal about the Atonement and all that it encompasses.  How grateful I am for a Savior who has descended below it all to experience all that we might experience to be able to succor us in our times of need.  My testimony has grown exponentially of a loving Father who knows us each individually and loves us infinitely.

While we were fighting for Trent’s life our needs were overwhelming as were our blessings.  We saw miracle after miracle and received many answers to prayers.  Although we did not receive the miracle of healing that we so desired, we were blessed with the miracle of faith.  Even until Trent’s very last breath, we all believed that he could be healed if it was the will of the Lord.  One of the hardest and most calming things I have ever done was to offer our last family prayer to our Heavenly Father and express to Him our complete and total submission to His will.  When the end came my very first thought was that of gratitude that Trent was no longer in pain.  And so for that, thanks be to God for the blessing of death, to release us from our pains.

Recently at a fireside I spoke with Chris Williams, who was the speaker, about our similar trials.  During our conversation he said, “I look at it as an opportunity for a blessing I didn't want.”  That was a little bit difficult for me to swallow but I am working on it. 

·         Receive this blessing from the hand of the Lord, with a thankful heart:D&C 62:7;  That is a constant pursuit for me. I think that being grateful requires us to always look for the good in every situation and trust that God has a perfect plan for each of us. 

I am grateful for so many blessings in my life.  I have been lucky enough to have the gospel as a central part of my entire life.  I have always lived in a home with worthy priesthood holders.  I am sealed to a wonderful man who is waiting for me to join him.  I am also married to an amazing man who has blessed my life in countless ways.  Brad saved me and showed me there is till happiness for me when I thought I could never be fully happy again.  We have nine awesome kids who challenge us and heal us every day.  I have a strong testimony of the Plan of Happiness and the infinite blessing of the Atonement.  Thanks be to God for sending His Son to redeem us.  I am blessed beyond what I deserve.  I know that Heavenly Father is involved in the details in my life and He is deserving of my thanks in all things.

So, let us be filled with an attitude of thanksgiving in our journey homeward, and thanks be to God in all things.

Of course I bawled while giving the talk but it felt like cleansing tears.  The rest of the day I felt this energy that I couldn't quite explain.  My spiritual high was short lived however.  As you know, Monday always follows Sunday. *sigh*

Monday I took Megan and Zach for a routine eye exam.  I took them back to the eye doctor they had seen when we lived in Providence before.  I was surprised to learn that Megan's eyes were almost perfect!  She has been wearing glasses since she was 2 1/2 and has been through patching, bifocals, and vision therapy. One of our goals through her treatment was to get her left eye strong enough so that if anything ever happened to her right eye, she would be okay.  Well today was that day.  During the exam the doctor became concerned by what he saw and asked his assistant to get a picture of Megan's eye.  It would show the same thing he sees when he dilates her eyes but then we could all see what he sees.  He then compared that picture to some he had taken seven and eight years prior.  The new photo revealed a mass right around her optic nerve.  He said it was not particularly dangerous looking but was concerned that it was something new and had not shown up in previous pictures.  Well, I have been in this situation many times before and I began asking all the question I knew to ask.  Unfortunately he was not giving any straight answers, partially I think, because he did not have any.  I also think he was trying not to scare me because he knew Trent and knows our history.  He immediately began flipping through his medical journals but did not come up with anything.  He texted the pictures to a Neuro Opthamalogist in Ogden and asked for his opinion.  This doctor was not able to give any solid answers either but offered to see Megan and do more extensive testing.  Ugh.

As we left he office my stomach was in knots.  I didn't say much to Megan because I didn't want her to be concerned but I think she can read me like a book.    I have to admit, my mind went immediately to cancer. How could I tell her she had cancer? What if she had to do chemo? How sick would she be? What about her gorgeous hair? What if she died? If it isn't cancer, what if she lost her eyesight?  I called Brad and tried to keep it together while I told him about the visit.  I failed.  The tears came and panic set in but just for a little bit.  My stoic face came back and I determined that I could do this too.  It felt so much like the person I had to be for the three years of Trent's treatment.  Always the strong one, putting on the brave face so that everyone else would be okay.  

After that first day I didn't express any anxieties of mine to Brad.  His way of supporting me was to not bring it up at all...talk about the elephant in the room!  It kind of made me feel as though it was 'out of sight, out of mind' for him but I know that wasn't the case.  Friday finally came and Megan and I drove to Ogden for the appointment.  I was not particularly nervous and I don't think Megan was either.  The appointment went well but we still have no definite answers.  This doctor thinks it may be Myelinated NFL but it is not common for it to show up at this age.  He is going to do some more research but he said "it looks very benign."  Great. I will take benign.  So now we wait for more answers with a little less weight on our shoulders.

Megan and I went out to lunch and did some Christmas shopping after that.  We chose a restaurant that Trent loved, Goodwood.  We talked a lot about Trent and the things we miss and remember.  We had a great time.  She is really a fun person and we laughed a lot.  I have missed that Megan.  Lately she has struggled a bit with our new reality but she puts on a brave face most of the time.  It was so nice to see the real Megan come out and let loose just a little. We were able to talk very openly about a lot of things and it was a very bonding time, for me at least.  I hope she feels the same way.  

In My Dreams

The last little while I have been plagued with bad dreams.  I usually wake up sobbing and it can be very hard to get those dreams out of my head.  A few days ago I dreamed that Trent was trying to divorce me. He was sitting at a table signing tons of papers and pushing them towards me to sign.  Of course I was having nothing of it.  I woke up bawling and Brad was there to hold me and help me calm down.  The following night I dreamt that Trent was still alive and we were headed to Boston for treatment. ( We did that in November and December of 2011.)  As we were boarding the plane "they" ( I don't know who "they" were), would not let me go with Trent.  I was forced to let Trent go alone.  I was frantic, knowing that no one else could take care of him like I could and he was soooo sick.  I spent the rest of my dream trying to get to Boston to be with Trent.  When I woke up bawling this time, Brad asked me to explain the dream to him.  While I was telling him I said, "Trent got to go and I had to stay."  As I said those words they kind of slapped me in the face.

The night after that I dreamed that Brad and I were grocery shopping.  We were talking and laughing and having fun together.  Then suddenly Trent was there wanting to shop with me.  I began shopping with him and looked up to see Jonathan at about 8 years old ready to shop with Trent too.  I woke up again, not crying, but just confused, trying to figure out what it all means, if anything.

The other night I was talking to Zach and I told him about my dream about Trent wanting to divorce me.  He immediately took on the adult role.  He told me I should put that right out of my mind because we all know that Trent would never want to divorce me and that is the furthest thing from his mind.  He then instructed me to stop thinking about those dreams because they are coming from the adversary who is trying to distract me from doing good. All the time I spent thinking about those dreams could  have been spent serving someone else.  Whoa.  I sat there with my mouth hanging open soaking in all that he was saying.  I knew that Trent was putting those words in his mouth.  It was very humbling.

Since then I have been nervous to go to sleep because my dreams can be so upsetting.  But I am working on a new perspective.  I have begun praying for protection at night and to be blessed with comforting dreams.  I am hoping that the next time I dream of Trent it will bring me peace instead of turmoil.  I guess this is just another side effect of losing someone you love.  *Sigh*

I Am Worth Refining

Life just does not seem to slow down, or even give me a chance to breathe sometimes.  October has been such a whirlwind! A few weeks ago Jonny came to me and told me his tooth hurt.  I looked at his face and it was completely misshapen and swollen on one side.  I immediately called my brother, Josh, to see how serious an abscess is and if he needed immediate attention.  I called the on-call pediatric dentist who told me that he would be willing to meet me at the ER to see if Jonny needed IV medication or if he could wait until morning.  I was scared!  I kept him close to me all night and he saw the dentist first thing the next morning. He was put on antibiotics and scheduled for an extraction.  Ugh.

We tried the laughing gas but of course that did not work well at all.  He ended up having to come back the next day for sedation.  This makes twice that I have had to do this without Trent!  It always makes me nervous but I know he is in good hands...Trent's and the dentist's.  

 Jonny was pretty loopy after the sedation and kept asking me why they made him sit in the dizzy room.  It was kind of funny but he was certain he could walk and he was a little hard to restrain.  He kept doing this funny little laugh and telling me he loved me.

The next week I was out to lunch with Jonny and out of the blue he said, "What did Jesus do after he went to Gethsemane? Break bread?"  Um, wow.  I explained to him that Jesus paid the price for all of our sins so that we could repent and live with him again.  He said, "Yep, that's how I am going to live with Daddy again, huh!"  He then proceeded to tell me that we were all going to live with Daddy soon.  How I love to hear that!

Then we had to conquer another first, Jarom's pinewood derby.  This was the first car Jarom got to build because last year we were in Disneyland when his troop held their derby.  He was a little bummed about having me help him because I am not nearly as cool or skilled as Trent was at doing things like this.  I called on some help from Trevor, Trent's brother, and he helped Jarom build a pretty cool car.  It is hard to go through these things that are supposed to be a father/son activity.  It makes my heart hurt for him.  At the derby it was me and all the the other dads putting in the graphite and making sure the weights were just right. Kinda weird.  Oh well.

Then last Monday as we were all getting ready for school I got a text from Zach from downstairs.  He had had a dream about Trent and was really upset.  I went to him and he was a mess.  He asked if he could go to Trent's grave.  Of course I said yes.  I kept him home from school and we went to Brigham to clean the headstone.  I knew when I chose the black granite that it would be a little more upkeep but I didn't care.  I wanted it to stand out from the others.  I didn't count on it being so hard, emotionally, to clean it.  I bawled the whole time while Zach just watched.

Afterwards I let Zach have a few moments alone while I wandered around and cried at all of my friends' headstones that happen to be nearby.  Ugh.  Zach is really being hit hard lately and it kills me to watch him.  

Lately my emotions have been all over the map.  Some days I am fine, other days I can't stop the tears.  I have many moments where I am caught off guard and can't believe this is my life.  I still get angry sometimes too.  When I am in the midst of dealing with all that life throws at me I get angry that Trent left me here to deal with it all.  I finally decided I can't be mad about my plan not working out because it was never my plan that we were working on, I just didn't know it.  If Trent had his way, our lives would be very different.  So I guess I can't be mad at him either.

Besides helping all the kids in their grief, I have all the added stresses of blending a family. That is hard! There are so many things that I did not fully anticipate that drive me to my knees.  It tears at my heart to see all the kids struggle to find their place and try to deal with their new realities. Not one of them chose this nor are they completely comfortable with it yet.  That will take years, even decades I am sure.  I am ready for life to let me rest for a while and be just a little easier.  I am learning that is pretty unrealistic. I read a quote the other day that I have not been able to get out of my mind.  It said, "You are being refined because you are worth refining."  I have to believe that.  I AM worth refining.  And so is every single person who faces trials, big or small.  We are all in the process of refinement.  That is life.  And life is hard.  There is no getting around that.

Tender Moments

A couple of weeks ago I was getting anxious about decorating Trent's grave for Fall.  The cemetery he is buried in has lots of restrictions on what you can put on the graves and I was having a hard time finding exactly what I wanted.  Finally I decided I would make two flower arrangements and went to Joann's to pick the flowers.  As I was purchasing the stems the cashier asked me in a really excited voice what I was going to do with all the pretty flowers.  Awkward.  I quietly told her I was decorating my husband's grave and then struggled the rest of the time not to cry in front of her.  I am sure she felt dumb but sometimes I just want to spit out a very direct answer to put them on the spot on purpose.  Rude, I know. 

I also picked up some Swedish Fish and Jonny and I drove to Brigham.  He was so sweet and tender when he put the box of fish on the headstone.  He kept asking me if Daddy was going to come alive and eat them. Oh how I wish...

A couple of nights ago I overheard Jack and Jonny discussing the fact that Jonny's daddy is dead.  Jonny was adamant that he was not dead.  He said, "My dad is NOT dead because he lives in me!"  Yes, the tears were flowing after that.  One night while I was putting Jonny to bed he told me in detail about the day that he ran away and crossed the big street all alone. (You can read about that HERE.) He told me that "Dad came back alive in his body and made the cars stop on the road.  After we got across the street he waved his arm and the cars started going again."  I would love to have seen that!  I really hope that Jonny is able to hang on to these memories.

Right after Trent passed away I was really on a spiritual high for quite a while.  It seems sort of backwards but when you are driven to your knees and humbled you become teachable.  I felt closer to the Spirit than I ever had before.  I knew I was a changed person and I didn't want to ever go back to who I was before. However, if you are not constantly moving toward God, you are sliding backwards.  There is no standing still in the journey.  Recently I have felt as if I was standing still and I realized once again that means I am moving backwards.  Life gets so busy and there are so many emotions of mine and 10 other people that I have to handle every day.  It is a lot of work!  I realized how much I was craving the quite moments of study that I had grown to need in my life.  When I got the opportunity to attend the Saturday morning session of  LDS General Conference, I jumped at the chance.  Megan got four tickets from our bishop and she gave them to me, Brad, Marc, and Aly.  We had a great time.  The meeting was so good! I had chills everytime the choir sang.  It was amazing.  When President Monson spoke my heart broke for him.  I loved it when he said that to say he missed his wife did not convey his feelings enough.  I completely know how he feels.  I remember last fall feeling like the entire Women's meeting was specifically for me.  I still go back and listen to those talks when I need a little boost.

The next day was Zach's 14th birthday.  I can't believe he is that old!  It is also another sting because he will be ordained a teacher on Sunday and Trent should be here to do that.  Ouch.  I think that has weighed heavy on Zach's mind too.  If nothing else, Trent better be there in spirit.  

Last weekend we took all the kids but one and went to Idaho for Savannah's farewell.  She is Trent and my oldest niece.  She was receiving her endowment in the Rexburg Temple on Saturday and giving her farewell talk in church on Sunday.  Brad was a little nervous about being there "where Trent should be".  On the drive up there I had the thought come to me that during the session Brad and I would be asked to be the witness couple.  We have been to the temple together several times but have never wanted to act as the witness couple.  It is just one of those things that is a little weird for us.  I had my response planned.  I would politely say, "Things are complicated and we would rather not, thank you."  When I met Brad in the chapel he whispered to me that he had a feeling that we were going to be asked to act as the witness couple.  I kind of laughed and told him about my impression.  I wondered out loud if we were supposed to do it.  Not thirty seconds later the temple worker tapped me on the shoulder.  As he *loudly* asked us to be the witness couple I stared at him in disbelief.  My mouth would not form the words of my planned response.  I looked at Brad hoping he would save me.  He was as stunned as I was.  I finally reluctantly agreed.  We stood and walked to the front of the room.  As soon as I sat down I started to cry.  I stared straight ahead while tears slipped down my cheeks.  Travis, Trent's brother and Savannah's father, stood up and grabbed a handful of tissues for me.  I don't think he knew what to say and I wasn't sure either.  He just sat by me while I cried.  Pretty soon he had to get up for more tissues...for Trent's mom.  It was strange, I was not sure why I was crying because it was not a bad thing to act as the witness couple...just a tender one.  While I sat there I felt the warm peace of the spirit enter my body.  I knew Trent was there and was missing me too.  It was a bittersweet moment.  

I have been carefully deciding what things of Trent's should be given to whom.  I had a picture of the Idaho Falls Temple resting against the wall in my bedroom, waiting for me to find a place to put it in our new home. One day I walked by it and go the very distinct impression that I should give it to Trent's mom.  She and Trisha came to stay with us for one night last week and I took the opportunity to give it to her then.  I told her about my impression and that I knew that Trent wanted her to have that picture.  It had been an anniversary gift from Trent a few years ago.  It was an emotional moment but I wasn't sad or hesitant at all. I also knew that I wanted all of Trent's brothers, brothers-in-law, and both of our dads to have a tie of his.  I let our boys choose two ties each and then took the others to Idaho to give to Trent's family.  Everyone was grateful for the ties but when I gave one to Travis it was different.  I didn't let him choose as I had done for the others.  There was one specific tie that I wanted  Travis to have.  When I gave it to him he was instantly choking back emotion.  He thanked me and I walked away.  When I got to the doorway I looked back and watched him wipe the tears from his eyes.  I lost it.  I ran upstairs to try to get my emotions in check in private.  As soon as I turned around Brad was there.  He took one look at me and gathered me into his arms.  I am not sad to give Trent's things away.  It is just stuff and it is only useful if someone is using it.  Trent has no need for it anymore and I know that his family is grateful to have something of his.  I was just glad that Travis seemed to really appreciate it.  It is surreal doling out my husbands belongings but it needs to be done.  

On the way home we stopped in to see my grandparents.  My grandpa is bedridden and we don't know how much time he has left.  My grandma had just returned from a weekend spent with her daughters and the emotions in the room were quite tender.  I could tell they had really missed each other.  As my grandma lovingly rubbed my grandpa's leg I could see how much she loves him.  She is facing the same thing that I am, life without the love of her life.  It is not easy but Heavenly Father is mindful of us and blesses us beyond what I can comprehend.  Life is hard and we are asked to do hard things but it is really a matter of trusting in God and taking things one day at a time.  

To Talk or Not to Talk

Grieving is a very hard task and lately it has landed squarely on Zach's shoulders.  He has had several "off" days and some that were completely disastrous.  One day shortly after my surgery he was not doing well so I had him stay home with me.  He camped out in my bed all day and tended to my every need.  It was nice to get to chat with him and share our feelings about life and all the twists and turns we are facing.  I know that all he wants is to have Trent back but he knows that this is all happening for a reason and he trusts Heavenly Father enough to believe that.  There have been a couple of times that I couldn't get to Zach when he needed me and all I could do was pray like crazy that Trent was with him to give him peace.  Yesterday I had to take him out of school for a couple of hours so he could regroup.  We went to breakfast at McDonalds and let the little kids mess around on the playplace. On more than one occasion I have asked Zach if he would like to talk to a counselor.  He says he would prefer to talk to me.  I am so glad that Zach feels like he can do that!  I promised him that as long as he will be open with me and tell me how he is feeling I won't take him for counseling.  I am hoping that between me and Trent we can cover all angles and help him heal.  

Last week I took Megan and Zach to their first Youth City Council Meeting for Providence.  This was a big deal for us because Trent served on the Providence City Council and loved it.  It was a lot of pressure and he took a lot of abuse from residents and even some neighbors.  He served to the best of his ability and always cast his votes in accordance with the law, no matter how unpopular it might have been.  The youth meeting was held in the council chambers where Trent served.  I remember going to watch him be sworn in and was having mixed emotions watching my children do the same thing in the same room.  Because I was familiar with the city employees and those who served on the council, I was gearing myself up for someone to say something about Trent to us.  To my surprise no one said a word.  I was greeted by only one employee and the others just looked at us...not saying a word.  I was not necessarily offended by this, just surprised.  It made me wonder if Trent had already been forgotten and that hurt!  However, what happened the next day changed my mind.

I received in the mail a card with no return address and no signature.  It was from one of the patients at the Huntsman Infusion Center that the kids and I visited on the one year mark of Trent's death.  We didn't leave our names on the goodies we left but the notes on them had Trent's full name and birth/death dates.  I guess this person had to do a little digging to find me.  The note read:

To the Rasmussen Family,

Thank you for your kindness and gift that you shared with me on Wednesday at the cancer center.

Your thoughtful act touched me so deeply.  It brightened my day!  It also showed me that you truly do have the best daddy in the world because he taught you to serve others.  There is nothing wiser than to follow the example of good parents, the ones on Earth and the ones in Heaven.  

Again, thank you, thank you for the gift of love and caring that you showed to me, a stranger, in honor of your father and husband.

When I read the note I burst into tears.  I was so glad that this person had enjoyed our efforts enough to write that sweet note.  Trent is not forgotten, he lives on in each of us and I will spend the rest of my life making sure that his influence is felt by as many people as I can.

Lately there have been some very unsettling things happening in my extended family.  I won't go into detail for the sake of privacy but some situations have hit very close to home for me.  I have found it very difficult to talk about those things and have been hesitant to reach out to my family members to love and support them.  It is not that I don't feel those things, it is just too real.  After my experience at the council meeting I realized what I was doing to them.  I was "not saying a word."  That can be just as painful as saying the wrong thing.  I have heard a million and one things that were not especially helpful and I had to dismiss them because I knew that they were not malicious.  But when you are met with silence it can come across as indifference and that cuts to the core.  So, I will be better at that.  I will extend myself even when it is uncomfortable.  I will tell those around me how much I love them and wish them happiness and healing.  I will remember how it felt when I was cradled in loving arms and allowed to vent and cry and rage and sob.  I will open my arms and heart to others in need of a place to land.  I will live my life so that Trent's passing was not in vain.