The last little while I have been plagued with bad dreams. I usually wake up sobbing and it can be very hard to get those dreams out of my head. A few days ago I dreamed that Trent was trying to divorce me. He was sitting at a table signing tons of papers and pushing them towards me to sign. Of course I was having nothing of it. I woke up bawling and Brad was there to hold me and help me calm down. The following night I dreamt that Trent was still alive and we were headed to Boston for treatment. ( We did that in November and December of 2011.) As we were boarding the plane "they" ( I don't know who "they" were), would not let me go with Trent. I was forced to let Trent go alone. I was frantic, knowing that no one else could take care of him like I could and he was soooo sick. I spent the rest of my dream trying to get to Boston to be with Trent. When I woke up bawling this time, Brad asked me to explain the dream to him. While I was telling him I said, "Trent got to go and I had to stay." As I said those words they kind of slapped me in the face.
The night after that I dreamed that Brad and I were grocery shopping. We were talking and laughing and having fun together. Then suddenly Trent was there wanting to shop with me. I began shopping with him and looked up to see Jonathan at about 8 years old ready to shop with Trent too. I woke up again, not crying, but just confused, trying to figure out what it all means, if anything.
The other night I was talking to Zach and I told him about my dream about Trent wanting to divorce me. He immediately took on the adult role. He told me I should put that right out of my mind because we all know that Trent would never want to divorce me and that is the furthest thing from his mind. He then instructed me to stop thinking about those dreams because they are coming from the adversary who is trying to distract me from doing good. All the time I spent thinking about those dreams could have been spent serving someone else. Whoa. I sat there with my mouth hanging open soaking in all that he was saying. I knew that Trent was putting those words in his mouth. It was very humbling.
Since then I have been nervous to go to sleep because my dreams can be so upsetting. But I am working on a new perspective. I have begun praying for protection at night and to be blessed with comforting dreams. I am hoping that the next time I dream of Trent it will bring me peace instead of turmoil. I guess this is just another side effect of losing someone you love. *Sigh*
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Dreams can be very sad and heart rendering. They can be scary and confusing. Know that much of that is coming from the trauma you have suffered in losing your sweetheart. Don't spend too much time trying to figure them out. They are fragmented at best. Post traumatic stress is very real. I believe when you have lost someone after such a battle to live you would have developed it to some degree. Things in your day may trigger your night time dreams. I wish I knew how to help you with that. You may want to read a bit about PTSD when you have a minute. I know at night you deserve to have rest and peace. Continue to pray for that. As always you are in my heart constantly.
ReplyDelete:) Love you, sister.
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