I Am Worth Refining

Life just does not seem to slow down, or even give me a chance to breathe sometimes.  October has been such a whirlwind! A few weeks ago Jonny came to me and told me his tooth hurt.  I looked at his face and it was completely misshapen and swollen on one side.  I immediately called my brother, Josh, to see how serious an abscess is and if he needed immediate attention.  I called the on-call pediatric dentist who told me that he would be willing to meet me at the ER to see if Jonny needed IV medication or if he could wait until morning.  I was scared!  I kept him close to me all night and he saw the dentist first thing the next morning. He was put on antibiotics and scheduled for an extraction.  Ugh.

We tried the laughing gas but of course that did not work well at all.  He ended up having to come back the next day for sedation.  This makes twice that I have had to do this without Trent!  It always makes me nervous but I know he is in good hands...Trent's and the dentist's.  

 Jonny was pretty loopy after the sedation and kept asking me why they made him sit in the dizzy room.  It was kind of funny but he was certain he could walk and he was a little hard to restrain.  He kept doing this funny little laugh and telling me he loved me.

The next week I was out to lunch with Jonny and out of the blue he said, "What did Jesus do after he went to Gethsemane? Break bread?"  Um, wow.  I explained to him that Jesus paid the price for all of our sins so that we could repent and live with him again.  He said, "Yep, that's how I am going to live with Daddy again, huh!"  He then proceeded to tell me that we were all going to live with Daddy soon.  How I love to hear that!

Then we had to conquer another first, Jarom's pinewood derby.  This was the first car Jarom got to build because last year we were in Disneyland when his troop held their derby.  He was a little bummed about having me help him because I am not nearly as cool or skilled as Trent was at doing things like this.  I called on some help from Trevor, Trent's brother, and he helped Jarom build a pretty cool car.  It is hard to go through these things that are supposed to be a father/son activity.  It makes my heart hurt for him.  At the derby it was me and all the the other dads putting in the graphite and making sure the weights were just right. Kinda weird.  Oh well.

Then last Monday as we were all getting ready for school I got a text from Zach from downstairs.  He had had a dream about Trent and was really upset.  I went to him and he was a mess.  He asked if he could go to Trent's grave.  Of course I said yes.  I kept him home from school and we went to Brigham to clean the headstone.  I knew when I chose the black granite that it would be a little more upkeep but I didn't care.  I wanted it to stand out from the others.  I didn't count on it being so hard, emotionally, to clean it.  I bawled the whole time while Zach just watched.

Afterwards I let Zach have a few moments alone while I wandered around and cried at all of my friends' headstones that happen to be nearby.  Ugh.  Zach is really being hit hard lately and it kills me to watch him.  

Lately my emotions have been all over the map.  Some days I am fine, other days I can't stop the tears.  I have many moments where I am caught off guard and can't believe this is my life.  I still get angry sometimes too.  When I am in the midst of dealing with all that life throws at me I get angry that Trent left me here to deal with it all.  I finally decided I can't be mad about my plan not working out because it was never my plan that we were working on, I just didn't know it.  If Trent had his way, our lives would be very different.  So I guess I can't be mad at him either.

Besides helping all the kids in their grief, I have all the added stresses of blending a family. That is hard! There are so many things that I did not fully anticipate that drive me to my knees.  It tears at my heart to see all the kids struggle to find their place and try to deal with their new realities. Not one of them chose this nor are they completely comfortable with it yet.  That will take years, even decades I am sure.  I am ready for life to let me rest for a while and be just a little easier.  I am learning that is pretty unrealistic. I read a quote the other day that I have not been able to get out of my mind.  It said, "You are being refined because you are worth refining."  I have to believe that.  I AM worth refining.  And so is every single person who faces trials, big or small.  We are all in the process of refinement.  That is life.  And life is hard.  There is no getting around that.