To Talk or Not to Talk

Grieving is a very hard task and lately it has landed squarely on Zach's shoulders.  He has had several "off" days and some that were completely disastrous.  One day shortly after my surgery he was not doing well so I had him stay home with me.  He camped out in my bed all day and tended to my every need.  It was nice to get to chat with him and share our feelings about life and all the twists and turns we are facing.  I know that all he wants is to have Trent back but he knows that this is all happening for a reason and he trusts Heavenly Father enough to believe that.  There have been a couple of times that I couldn't get to Zach when he needed me and all I could do was pray like crazy that Trent was with him to give him peace.  Yesterday I had to take him out of school for a couple of hours so he could regroup.  We went to breakfast at McDonalds and let the little kids mess around on the playplace. On more than one occasion I have asked Zach if he would like to talk to a counselor.  He says he would prefer to talk to me.  I am so glad that Zach feels like he can do that!  I promised him that as long as he will be open with me and tell me how he is feeling I won't take him for counseling.  I am hoping that between me and Trent we can cover all angles and help him heal.  

Last week I took Megan and Zach to their first Youth City Council Meeting for Providence.  This was a big deal for us because Trent served on the Providence City Council and loved it.  It was a lot of pressure and he took a lot of abuse from residents and even some neighbors.  He served to the best of his ability and always cast his votes in accordance with the law, no matter how unpopular it might have been.  The youth meeting was held in the council chambers where Trent served.  I remember going to watch him be sworn in and was having mixed emotions watching my children do the same thing in the same room.  Because I was familiar with the city employees and those who served on the council, I was gearing myself up for someone to say something about Trent to us.  To my surprise no one said a word.  I was greeted by only one employee and the others just looked at us...not saying a word.  I was not necessarily offended by this, just surprised.  It made me wonder if Trent had already been forgotten and that hurt!  However, what happened the next day changed my mind.

I received in the mail a card with no return address and no signature.  It was from one of the patients at the Huntsman Infusion Center that the kids and I visited on the one year mark of Trent's death.  We didn't leave our names on the goodies we left but the notes on them had Trent's full name and birth/death dates.  I guess this person had to do a little digging to find me.  The note read:

To the Rasmussen Family,

Thank you for your kindness and gift that you shared with me on Wednesday at the cancer center.

Your thoughtful act touched me so deeply.  It brightened my day!  It also showed me that you truly do have the best daddy in the world because he taught you to serve others.  There is nothing wiser than to follow the example of good parents, the ones on Earth and the ones in Heaven.  

Again, thank you, thank you for the gift of love and caring that you showed to me, a stranger, in honor of your father and husband.

When I read the note I burst into tears.  I was so glad that this person had enjoyed our efforts enough to write that sweet note.  Trent is not forgotten, he lives on in each of us and I will spend the rest of my life making sure that his influence is felt by as many people as I can.

Lately there have been some very unsettling things happening in my extended family.  I won't go into detail for the sake of privacy but some situations have hit very close to home for me.  I have found it very difficult to talk about those things and have been hesitant to reach out to my family members to love and support them.  It is not that I don't feel those things, it is just too real.  After my experience at the council meeting I realized what I was doing to them.  I was "not saying a word."  That can be just as painful as saying the wrong thing.  I have heard a million and one things that were not especially helpful and I had to dismiss them because I knew that they were not malicious.  But when you are met with silence it can come across as indifference and that cuts to the core.  So, I will be better at that.  I will extend myself even when it is uncomfortable.  I will tell those around me how much I love them and wish them happiness and healing.  I will remember how it felt when I was cradled in loving arms and allowed to vent and cry and rage and sob.  I will open my arms and heart to others in need of a place to land.  I will live my life so that Trent's passing was not in vain.