Happy Father's Day and More

Lately it seems as though life is speeding by at the speed of light.  Last week my baby turned 16!  What!?  Where did all those years go? She is growing up to be such an amazing young woman...I am continually in awe of her maturity and great attitude.  She definitely has A LOT of Trent in her.  Thank goodness!

Last week Megan and Zach attended a Pioneer Trek in Martins Cove in Wyoming.  The day they returned was Megan's birthday.  She had no idea but while she was gone I organized a party for her and her friends.  She was super excited and had a blast!

Many thanks to Greg and Erin for the outdoor movie!

Watching "Spirit"

We watched "Spirit of the Cimmarron", Megan's favorite movie from the time she was about 4 years old.  Megan loved it but I think some of the girls were not nearly as excited. We had to cut the movie short when it started raining lightly.

 We moved the party inside so Megan could blow out the candles on her trifle; she hates cake.

When Jonny saw all the girls giving her presents he decided she needed one from him too.  He ran into the den and put his own sunglasses in an envelope and covered it in stickers.  He brought it out to her and said, "Happy Birthday Megan. I want you to have my glasses.  I love you very much.  It makes my heart happy."  Oh my gosh!  Of course all the girls swooned over that one.

With all the love going around I thought I would share some too.  The next morning I took Jarom and Zach and went shooting with some friends.  I was impressed with their aim!  They both shot pretty well.  We exploded all sort of pop cans and potatoes.  It was so fun!  I have now added a 44 magnum to my list of wants. :)

I knew that Father's Day was going to be a tough one so I opted not to take the kids to church that day.  I decided to recreate the amazing day we had last year on Mother's Day.  Trent planned a whole day for me and it was wonderful...great memories.

Mother's Day 2012

We prepared the same meal that Trent made for us last year.  All the kids pitched in and helped get ready to go to Huntsville to the same park and the same picnic table.

Before we left for the park I gave everyone a brand new Husker shirt.  I figured that would be a gift that Trent would love to receive for Father's Day so I got one for all of us in his honor.

Of course we couldn't have Father's Day without Trent so we brought him along for a family photo.  I kinda like it! :)  We spent the afternoon playing on the playground and kicking around a soccer ball.  I also lined up the kids with mitts and hit balls to them.  When we got tired we laid down on our blanket and made paper cutouts of the Brigham City Temple.  After our "craft time" was over we told stories...some true and some made up.  On the way home we cranked up the 80's music and sang at the top of our lungs.  We laughed a lot and just enjoyed a leisurely day doing exactly what would have made Trent giddy.

I really thought I had conquered Father's Day.  It was such a huge success!  But of course I got the wind knocked out of me the next day.  I thought I was doing well enough to tackle some of the boxes of our belongings that were being stored in the basement.  The first thing I found was Trent's student ID card from UNL.  Shortly after that I found a letter I had written to him on Father's Day in 2009.  That was it.  I was done for.  I sat on the floor and sobbed and sobbed.  Megan and Mallory were both there in a second.  Megan gently stroked my hair and Mallory followed her lead.  A moment later Mallory slowly tucked herself into my lap and Megan knelt down and threw her arms around my shoulders and let me cry and cry and cry.  

It usually takes a while for me to recover from a breakdown like that.  The rest of my day was not fabulous. Megan tried hard to make it better for me though.  She knows that music heals me and she willingly sang as many songs as I played on the piano.  That helped a lot. The next day I had some residual grumpiness going on.  Mallory was pestering me for something and I said, "Just to warn you Mallory, I am super grumpy so you are probably not going to get what you want."  Right away Megan and Zach were chiming in trying to make me happy.  They were laughing and asking what was wrong and why I would waste my time being grumpy.  Finally Zach said, "I think this calls for some Happy Jacks!  Do a Happy Jack Mom, I am sure it will make you smile!"  He was right, it did make me smile.  As I left the house for my Relief Society meeting I heard Megan and Zach yelling, "I love you Mom! You are the best mom ever!"  

Today is the 10 month mark for us.  All in all we are doing well.  It seems like an eternity since I have seen Trent yet I am shocked over and over again when I realize he is not physically here with us.  You would think that part would have sunk in by now but it is still hard to believe.  I am so profoundly aware of all the blessings in my life.  I have the  most amazing husband and my children are blessed with the best Dad ever!  Trent has made such an impact on our lives and we miss him every day.  Happy Father's Day Trent...until we see you again...GO HUSKERS!

Life is Crazy Good

A couple of weeks ago I was having a particularly hard day.  It was right after I found out that Mark Kailing had passed away.  Of course his passing stirred up some difficult emotions for me and I found myself asking the unanswerable question, "Why?"  I had been listening to Christian music, like I always do, and the song that came on right then was Casting Crown's "Praise You in this Storm", Trent's favorite song.  It reminded me of Trent's amazing attitude and how much he was grateful for even as his body and mind were ravaged by cancer.  It was a simple reminder that I needed to follow his example and be that strength for LaDena as she starts down this new path...the path to healing.  That evening as I was stomping around the kitchen trying to act like I was fine there was a knock on the door.  Our neighbor from Providence, Dave, was standing in the entry with a big smile on his face.  He said he had picked up something for me a while ago and was really excited to give it to me.  As he unraveled the gift I burst into tears.  I couldn't contain myself.  It was a flag that says "Life is Crazy Good".  Trent always said everything was "crazy good".  Dave shared his memory of Trent at a neighborhood BBQ enjoying the food and when he saw the flag he knew he had to get it for me.  

It was a really good reminder for me.  Life is crazy good and I needed to remember that and not ask questions that won't be answered yet.  These are just a few of the reasons that life is crazy good:

Megan,  Mallory, Zach, Jonny, and Jarom.  

1-I love these kids so much!  On the last day of school I picked up lunch and took all the kids to the batting cages in Logan.  We had a great time playing, eating, and batting.  I love that school is out!

2-I have an amazingly talented and beautiful daughter who is my strength.  She impresses me everyday with the profound and mature things that come out of her mouth.  She has worked very hard this year to be a good student and be an example to her siblings.

Megan giving me the stink-eye at her choir concert.

Megan and me celebrating after she took the AP World History exam.

3-Jonny is growing like weed and his mouth moves not stop.  Unfortunately part of that movement is eating candy and he ended up with a couple cavities that he had to be sedated to fix because he is waaaay too wiggly in the dentist chair.

Jonny loved that the dentist has a TV on the ceiling.

When he woke up from the sedation I got to hold him and help him continue to wake up.  He was sooo funny!  At one point he told me that things were "outta control".  When he got home Mallory waited on him hand and foot.  She fed him popcicles and pudding and whatever else he asked for.  All the kids were especially nice to him.  It was a moment that made my heart happy to see them all care for him so tenderly.

4-This adorable little girl is the most tender, sweet little girl ever.  She can be a handful at times but I love her so much!  She told me the other day that she never wants me to be alone.  She was headed off to stay with her cousin for a week and was having some real anxiety about it.  I told her she had done it before and she was fine.  I didn't know what the problem was.  She said, "Yeah, but that was when I had two parents!  Now I only have one and I don't want you to be lonely while I am gone.  That is why I always go to the soccer games with you.  I don't want you to be alone."  What a sweetie!

Mally ripping it up at the batting cages.

5-Last Saturday Zach and I went to lunch to celebrate him getting 100% on all three Core Tests for school.  He was the only student in the whole school to achieve that.  We have heard that it has only happened a couple of times before.  He is definitely the smarty pants of the family.  During our "date" he made sure to get every door for me.  Our lunch conversation included Darwinism, the Theory of Evolution, and Robinson Crusoe.  Wow, was I in over my head!

6-Jarom is a great kid.  He is testing the water right now but is quick to apologize when I let him know he has crossed the line.  He has had a great season playing soccer.  He had made a great impression as goalie for his team.

Jarom had a great time at the batting cages.  That darn kid is good at everything he tries!

7-For Jarom's birthday a friend of ours gave him tickets to an RSL game.  He invited his friend Tyler and then Zach and I tagged along.  I wore Trent's shirt and hat and was determined to enjoy the game like he would.  We danced, we cheered, stuffed our faces, and even watched the game.  That is a first for me...I usually watch the people in the crowd instead.  I felt a little closer to Trent doing something with our boys that I know he loved.

In between all the fun we fit in another bittersweet first, Memorial Day.  I invited Trent's family to come share some time with us at the cemetery and we had a BBQ afterwards.  It was really hard for me.  I held in most of the tears but it was really hard to think that we were all there to visit my husband's grave.  Ugh.  It still shocks me when I think about it.  I sat there watching all the brothers put a comforting arm around their wives and thought..."Wow, how I would love to have Trent's arms around me right now."  I had to step away a few times to pull myself back together.  It was a tough day but we lived through it.

Even with all the tough times we still have, we are making the most of every day.  We smile more, we laugh more, and most importantly, we love more.  And that makes life "crazy good".

I am one blessed mama!

Until We Meet Again, My Friend

Today is going to be a difficult day.  I am going to the funeral of a dear friend who fought Sarcoma valiantly for over three years.  He has been such an amazing example to me and has shown such tender care and concern for me since Trent's passing.  He is one of those people who you feel an eternal connection to the second you meet him.  My heart aches for his sweet wife and their five children.  We know all too well the pain and heartache that they are experiencing.  I take comfort in knowing that families are eternal and I am sure that he and Trent will be busily working together to accomplish the Lord's work on the other side.  Mark was a giant of a warrior here and will continue his fight until the return of our Savior.  Make no mistake about it, God is building His army.

Mark Francis Kailing returned to his Heavenly home May 21. Mark is the youngest child born to Rebecca Reynolds Silverberg and Gene Kailing (Susan). Mark was born and raised in beautiful San Francisco, Calif., and the surrounding area. He was very close in age with his only siblings, his sisters; Rachel Strom and Ariel Wundes (John).

Mark found the gospel of Jesus Christ at age 23 and it forever changed his life. He was sealed to his love, LaDena in the Logan, LDS Temple on August 13, 1992. Together they created an exciting life. They welcomed five children into their forever family; Andrew Solomon (16), Aubrielle ShaLina (15), Ammoriah Rachelle (12), Ava Olea (8), and Amari Shinehah (4). 

Mark was never discouraged when life became challenging. Even when he faced the hardship of cancer for 3 1-2 years he would say, "God deserves the benefit of the doubt." Mark served in many callings in the church and was able to love and influence many people in congregations in San Francisco, Fresno, Modesto, Winnemucca, Logan and Providence. He shared with us recently; "I have experienced the choicest blessings because of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I will die a very happy man."

Mark graduated as a doctor from California School of Professional Psychology, in Fresno, Calif., in June of 1996. Mark began his professional career testing and counseling at a high school in Fresno, then a rural clinic in Corcoran, Calif. He did his residency placement at Fresno City Community College and his post-doctoral internship in Modesto at a psychiatric hospital. He joined a group practice; Evergreen Family Institute in Logan, Utah. With a growing family he decided to take a psychologist position at Winnemucca Mental Health in Nevada. Eventually he opened a private practice in both Winnemucca and Logan, and has been working both locations for many years. Even through cancer treatments, Mark never quit working. Mark developed very simplified theories on life, personality, the universe, truth, etc. His ability to make the profound simple is what has made him a good teacher. Dr. Kailing touched the lives of hundreds in his years of service as a psychologist. He loved seeing the growth and improvement in the lives of others. 

My Happy Place

Life is happening at a whirlwind pace right now.  Saturdays are crazy with three kids in soccer and me coaching one of the teams.  School is winding down which means field trips all the time and the kids all want me to go with them.  I have added responsibilities at church and it seems like every other day I get asked to do something else like, play in a symphonic band, be the regional coaches administrator, etc.  Life is crazy!  Because of that is has been very helpful for me to escape our reality every once in a while.  Since February I have been to St. George three times and have loved it every time! Last month I took the kids and went down with Sandra (wife of Paul who recently passed away from cancer)and her children. We stayed in her father's guest house and had an absolute blast!  We hiked, went on picnics, ate out, went fishing, saw the historical sites, visited the temple grounds, watched movies, went to the dinosaur museum, and swam.  It was a much needed break for all of us.

Grafton, Utah (Ghost Town)

Jarom, Zach, Mally, Me, Jonny, Sandra, Sophie, Hailey,and Bree

Zach, Jarom, Megan, Jonny, and Mally

Megan had the camera at the little cemetery in Grafton.  It is interesting to me what she photographs.

 St. George Temple

St. George Temple

Jarom, Zach, Mally, Me, Megan, and Jonny at the temple

Visitors Center. We watched a really amazing  movie about the Plan of Happiness.  Yes, I bawled like a baby through the entire thing.

 Dixie Rock

Zach at the Johnson Farm Dinosaur Park

 Daughters of the Utah Pioneers Museum

 Jacob Hamblin Home

 As we were driving down the street Megan gasped and shrieked, scaring me half to death.  She had just spotted this statue that sent her heart all aflutter.  She has loved the movie "Spirit" since she was about three. She made me promise we would come back and take pictures before we left.

Not sure why Jonny was so interested in this end...

It was warm down there but certainly not hot enough to go shirtless! Silly boys!

Us and Grandpa Mayfield.  He is so sweet! We really bonded with him and were so grateful for his generosity!

I got to go back to St. George a couple of weeks ago with Marc and Aly who have also recently lost their spouses to cancer.  We had the best time!  We talked a ton and laughed even more.  The first day my abs were sore from laughing so hard.  It felt so good!  We ate at Anasazi, the most amazing steakhouse.  They cook your steak on a lava rock!  We also had the chance to go to the temple and do a session.  I was nervous because Marc had not been there since his wife died.  I know how hard it was for me the first time and I was really worried about what his reaction would be.  He was amazing.  After the temple session he shared with us what he had learned.  I hope he doesn't mind me sharing it here too.  I have been so impressed and have thought about it often.  He realized that God does not want us to be alone.  As hard as it is for us, Heavenly Father (and I believe our spouses) want us to marry again and find happiness for the rest of our lives.  Part of the reason for that is for protection.  When Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden Satan tempted them.  He first secluded Adam and tried to sway him.  When that failed he went to Eve, alone.  By tempting them separately he was able to get both of them.  I thought that was really interesting.  I have always known that Heavenly Father wants us to be united as families for happiness and strength and progression but I never thought of it as being needed for protection as well.

After we went to the temple we did some hiking at Snow Canyon and then Dixie Rock.  We ended up on a big rock overlooking the temple just as the sun went down and the lights came on in the city.  We all sat and talked about our spouses, the things we miss, the things we love about them, favorite memories, etc.  It was so peaceful and healing.  The best part is...we were able to do it all with smiles on our faces.  That may seem small to some...but it was huge for us.  

I love that I am finding joy in each day, that Heavenly Father is healing and softening my heart and helping me to carry on.  I am grateful that there is a smile on my face much more often than there are tears on my cheeks.  Nine months ago I thought my only happy place was right by Trent's side.  While that is truly the happiest place for me...there are other happy places that I can enjoy here on earth.