Remembering...Hurts

After having a pretty good week I should have known I would stumble.  I still cry every day at least once or twice but can usually pick myself up and carry on. However, that doesn't always happen.

Yesterday was the anniversary of my first kiss from Trent, eighteen years ago.  I always reminded him of all these special dates and he almost always remembered on his own.  As I was getting ready for church I was strolling down memory lane, reliving those moments that I had with Trent as we were just getting to know each other.  I wasn't especially sad, but was really missing Trent.  I went to church and sat on the second to last row with my kids.  We always sit at the back because Trent needed to be close to the exit in case he needed to leave.  A woman in our ward came in behind me using a cane.  I didn't even look at her, I knew from the familiar and rhythmic crunch of the metal and rubber what it was.  Tears were instantly flowing and my breath caught in my throat.  I didn't expect that to trigger me, but it did.  I managed to sit through and enjoy the rest of the meeting, minus the refereeing of five kids.  After the meeting a man in our ward asked me how I was doing and I told him I was alright.  He asked me again how I was really doing.  This time I kinda gave him a teary smile and told him I was okay.  He said he didn't mean to make me cry then he stepped behind the pew like he was going to leave but stopped.  After a few seconds of me trying to compose myself, he said, "I just feel like Trent wants me to tell you that he loves you."  That did it.  I was a lost cause after that.  I went home and bawled like a baby for about an hour.  I made it back for Relief Society but struggled the rest of the day.  I still can't believe that Trent is not here.  It all seems like a horrible dream and that someday I will wake up and life will return to normal.  Sigh...

Last night I was really feeling glum.  As I was getting ready for bed I heard Zach crying in his room.  He was having a meltdown of his own, probably triggered by me.  He had been especially aware of my mood all day and kept asking if I was okay.  He knew I was struggling and was doing everything he could to help me.  He reminded me at least three times yesterday that Trent loves me and that the Second Coming is soon.  When I saw him crying my heart broke all over again.  I can't imagine what life will be like for him without his Dad.  He is a strong kid but oh, so tender.  I got in bed with him and we just cried.  I am not sure I was any help to him at all.  He said he was remembering all the fun we had in Disneyland before Trent passed away.  He told me the good memories are the hardest ones.  I completely agree with him!  The good memories are the ones that hurt the most.  It is easy to remember how sick Trent was and understand that he needed to die to be free from all the pain and suffering.  But remembering the good times makes me miss him so much!

The other night Mallory was really having a hard time staying in bed.  She kept coming into my room to ask questions.  Most of them were inconsequential but then she got really serious and asked how many people it took to carry Trent's body out of his room.  She wanted to know what he was wearing when they took him. She asked me why she didn't get to come and help dress him for the funeral.  I was totally surprised by all of these questions.  She wasn't upset, just wanted some answers.  We talked for a little bit and she seemed to be satisfied by the answers I gave her.  I was surprised that her questions didn't upset me though.  It makes me wonder what else is going through that little mind of hers.

I had the chance this week to speak with several different people whose hearts are breaking because of circumstances in their own lives.  I am grateful for the capacity I have been given to empathize with their pain. Of course that came because of my own tragedy but I am thankful for it nonetheless.  For me, healing is coming by reaching out to others.  Maybe I am choosing to help others instead of face my own reality...I don't know.  Maybe someday that will come back and bite me in the backside.  Only time will tell...