Feed your FAITH and your fears will starve .

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Making Progress

The New Year's holiday was a little glum for me. It is hard to be excited about starting a new year without Trent.  It feels like time is marching on without him and I don't like it one bit.  Okay,  maybe I like it one bit...but only the bit that gets me closer to being with him each day.

To celebrate the holiday Jarom and I went to the store and bought all the treats that Trent would have gotten. We also got some pizzas to bake at home.  Then we stopped at Redbox and picked up a couple of movies to watch.  Trent was always very skeptical of movies that we hadn't heard about but we took a chance on one anyway and it turned out to be pretty good.  We had a fun time just hanging out, stuffing our faces, and watching movies.  I still have a hard time watching any movies or TV so I put up a card table in the living room and did a puzzle instead.  I know, what a rockin' party, right?!

On New Year's day I took Zach to see "The Hobbit".  Trent and Zach had been planning to see that one together.  It isn't my type of movie at all but Zach really wanted to see it.  The last movie I saw with Zach, in place of Trent, did not go over too well and I bawled the whole way through it.  This time I was only gulping back the tears once or twice.  I felt like that was a success!  I am really not looking forward to having to see the next two movies in the trilogy though.  Zach kept asking me if I was okay and if I was having a good time.  He even made sure to open the door for me the whole night.  What a great kid I have!  Zach is a great date but next time I am picking the movie!

The kids went back to school on Wednesday and I think they were all really ready for a routine again.  Isn't that what moms say when really they are the ones who are ready for the routine? :)  As soon as all the kids were gone, Mom, Jonorias, and I jumped in the car and headed to Logan for some shopping.  While we were there I ran into a woman from my ward in Providence.  She didn't know that Trent had passed away and I gave her the condensed version of our story through my tears.  Ouch.  I still can't believe it is real sometimes.  Then a couple of days later while I was shopping in Logan again, ( I know it sounds like I shop all the time but I really don't.) I ran into another friend from our Providence ward.  This conversation was very different than the last one.  I was surprised to realize I had a very genuine smile on my face while I talked with her.  She asked how we were doing and I told her that we were going to survive.  Then came the shocker...I realized that I was happy that I was going to survive.  I have given that answer many times before but usually with a fair amount of disappointment that I was not dead too.  It has been so hard to look forward to happy milestones in my children's lives with any amount of joy.  I just didn't want them to happen at all, unless Trent would be with us.  But I am beginning to overcome those feelings.  I am starting to see that life can be happy again, not 100% happy, like I am with Trent, but happy still.

Although I have been forever changed by this experience, I am starting to have some glimpses of the old Holly.  It is almost as if there is a "Before Holly" and an "After Holly".  Little by little I am picking up the pieces of my broken heart and trying to carry on.   I know that whatever progress I am making can be stripped away from me very easily by a nasty "trigger" but I hope I have come far enough to make up any lost ground without too much trouble.  We'll see...

Our focus is still on the Second Coming and our prayers will never stop until the triumphant return of our Lord and Savior, and our reunion with Trent.  Yesterday Mallory made her bed and set out this note, along with her stuffed animals.  It says, "We believe the 2 Coming is coming fast, ya. The second coming is the best. Love, Mall Mall".  She took the picture with her new camera.  She is such a sweetheart!  I have included a little sampling of the pictures I found on her sd card.  Looks like we have another budding photographer in the family! :)

Megan and Me


Charlotte and Lyndsi





Claire and Olivia

Mallory's babies


  1. Welcome back, Hol! It's nice to see that you recognize your steps and though long and painful they will get you there. I believe there is a before and after Holly but someday, all of this experience, will merge you into one fine celestial woman!

    I love Mal's pictures!! What a little photographer. She's is following in her mom's footsteps. We will never need to hire a photographer again.

    Love you forever!

  2. It is a real thing... the you before and the you after, these things do change our core forever.... especially now in mortality. One thing I do not like is when people see me smiling and say we are so glad that you are happy... Mainly because it is not the happiness that they are thinking it is, it is a different happiness- a surviving mode of obligation happiness that I am content to being until the second coming. I am glad that you are able to feel something again, even if it is not the same Holly, because we will never be able to go back only forward gloriously. =)LOVES

  3. Both the before and the after = ONE AMAZING PERSON, with one amazing family.

  4. You are amazing Holly. Every day, one day at a time... (((hugs))))