Reality...

We are still trying very hard to be happy and busy but the reality of our situation is sinking in.  As we get closer to Christmas my heart gets heavier.  I am not sure where my emotions are from day to day.  Sometimes I push Trent far out of my mind to just get a few minutes free from pain.  At times I have even looked at his pictures and felt nothing. Nada. Zilch.  But the majority of the time he is at the forefront of my thoughts and his absence is painfully real.  

For FHE on Monday I took all the kids to Megan's Christmas concert.  It was well done and I wish I would have been able to enjoy it more.  Concerts with children are not to be enjoyed though.  Jonathan talked THE ENTIRE TIME.  He also flipped the lady in front of us in the head about a million times with his super hero bands (a.k.a. Mallory's stretchy headbands).  During the course of the evening I caught Zach and Mallory pinching Jonathan at different times, and had to field about 20 loudly whispered questions from Jarom, none of which had anything to do with the concert.  Needless to say I was frazzled by the time we got home.  

After the concert Megan was having a really hard time and I was doing what I could to help her.  She is a tough nut to crack though.  Her mood carried over to Tuesday and we opted to have her stay home from school.  What she may not have realized was that when a kid stays home I make them hang out with me!  I had been asked to play the piano for a sing along at the Perry school so I dragged her along with me.  She was delightful and had a fun time singing and dancing with the 4th graders.  As soon as I dropped her off for her drivers ed class her mood was in the toilet again.  Ugh.

I believe this was "5 Golden Rings" in the 12 Days of Christmas.  Nice pose Megan!

I had been having a pretty good morning but saw an old friend at the school who didn't know that Trent had passed away.  That shifted my thoughts and my mood for the rest of the day.  That evening we decorated our Christmas cookies.  That was Trent's all time favorite thing to do each year.  We used his grandmother's recipe that was written in Trent's handwriting so it kind of felt like he was participating in some way.  We had fun and made some pretty interesting looking cookies but I really missed Trent doing it with us.  

By bedtime I was an emotional wreck.  Everything was making me cry.  I said the family prayer and sent the kids to brush their teeth.  I just sat on the floor and cried.  Zach heard me crying and came to give me a hug.  He then went through our regular "pick me up" dialogue. 

Zach: Hey Mom, I love you.

Me: Zach, I love you too. 

Zach: Hey Mom, Dad loves you too.

Me: I know Zach, Dad loves you too.

Zach: Hey Mom, the Second Coming is today.

Me: Thanks Zach.  One of these days when you say that it is going to be true.

After the kids were all tucked in I went to bed and bawled.  Not long after that I got a call from a friend who was kind enough to listen to me cry and vent until the wee hours of the morning.  Luckily I was able to catch a few ZZZ's at the library the next day while Jonathan was in preschool.  It was only slightly embarrassing to wake up with my mouth hanging open after the book I was "reading" fell.  ;)  

Yesterday I got a call from a friend who is also about to have her world turned upside down.  We are still praying for their miracle but preparing for the worst.  It is so hard to see other people have to face this same horrible trial.  It makes me crazy that it is happening so often and there is not one thing anyone can do to stop it.  Still, I find peace in talking about it, offering my small insights and tidbits that I have learned along the way or just a shoulder to cry on.  I cannot deny that we were so blessed throughout the entire time that Trent was ill.  There were many tender mercies given even though we didn't always want to accept them as such.  We just wanted to be living a normal, healthy life that didn't need all the tender mercies.  

As we were talking I was reminded of a quote I recently read, "Give God the benefit of the doubt."  Sometimes it is very difficult to remember that God's plan is far better than anything I could come up with.  I happen to think it would have been a great plan to have Trent be well and happy and ALIVE to grow old with me.  But, I will be the first to admit that I am not the smartest one in this equation.  My vision is so short sighted and I know that God is carefully leading me through the darkness.  I am hanging on with everything I have...