Round Fifteen-Ugh

Yesterday Trent started round 15.  It also happened to be our 16th anniversary.  This is the second anniversary we have "celebrated" at the Huntsman.  Not something I would like to make a habit of.  We each got a really cool gift.  Trent got $$$$ worth of poison chemo, and I got Invisalign.  How romantic, I know. 

When we were just about to start the chemo they informed us that there is a nationwide shortage of Doxrubicin, which is one of the drugs Trent is on.  In its place, they gave him Epirubicin.  It is a similar drug in the same drug family but is not commonly used here at Huntsman.  Because Trent does not have a tumor in his brain they decided Epirubicin was a good substitute because it does not cross the brain barrier as Doxrubicin does.  It also takes only 1/2  hour to get instead of three hours.  BONUS!  I, of course, needed all the details and asked for a drug fact sheet on Epirubicin.  After I read it I gave it to Trent while I talked to the nurse about it.  Trent interrupted us and said, "Hey!  We're good!  It says here that Epirubicin kills cancer cells so no worries!"  Very funny, Trent...I still need all the details!

While I was gone getting my teeth done, Trent talked to Dr. Gouw about the treatment plan.  It changes every time we are here!  Now we are for sure doing another round of chemo after this (Round 16) and then a scan.  If the tumor is responding then we could do as many as three more rounds before surgery.  Trent told me that when we changed chemo the last time the number 17 popped into his head.  So maybe that will be the lucky number for rounds of chemo.  Who knows.  The plan will probably change with the next round of chemo. 

Lately I am feeling like I would just really like to be done with this already.  It has been a very long time and I am ready to move on.  In many ways our lives are on hold, but our children keep growing.  We have no house, no job, and no certain future.  By the time we have those things our kids will be moving out of the house.  I have really been praying for patience to endure this trial.  Then today on the way to Jonathan's post-op appointment I was listening to a talk on CD by S. Michael Wilcox called "The Fourth Watch".  The whole jist of the talk is that our God is a Fourth Watch God.  He doesn't race to the rescue with the answer we want the very first time we ask.  He comes in the fourth watch, after we have been humbled and have endured, and have learned from whatever it is we are going through.  The exception, of course, is in forgiveness.  In that instance He is a first watch God, willing to forgive the second we ask for it, however many times that is.

In part of his talk, Bro. Wilcox is recounting the story of the Brother of Jared and the eight barges he built under direction from the Lord.  (Book of Mormon, Ether 2) The vessels were built "tight like a dish" so no water or wind could get in them as they crossed the stormy sea.  There is more to the story but the part that hit me like a ton of bricks was the fact that the Lord helped the brother of Jared prepare the vessels tight like a dish to withstand the storms that would surely come.  The Lord could have simply stilled the storms, but instead He prepared the vessels to withstand the storm.  Bro. Wilcox goes on to say that when it seems we are in the fourth watch and the Lord still has not come, it is because He has prepared us beforehand and made our vessels tight like a dish to withstand the storms in our lives.  If we had not been prepared, he would surely have stilled the storm in the first watch. 

I have listened to this talk several times and gained different things from it each time, but this time I drove down the road struggling to see through my tears wondering how tight is our vessel?  It must be pretty tight because it seems like we are in the sixth or seventh watch by now.  I can honestly say I KNOW we were prepared for this trial.  I can look back at our lives and understand why certain things happened to us at certain times.  It was to prepare us for cancer.  I don't even dare imagine what cancer is preparing us for.  Could there be something worse waiting for us?  Or is our suffering meant to give us more compassion for others and to prepare us to be instruments in the Lord's hands?  I certainly hope it is the latter!