Saturday night as I closed my eyes to sleep the tears kept slipping out. I couldn't stop them and I didn't have the energy to try so I let my pillow get all soggy and wet. I was so sick and tired of Trent being sick and tired! Heavenly Father must have known that Trent and I both had really had it. The next morning Trent seemed a little better, a little iffy, but better. I went to church and Trent made it for Sacrament meeting. By the time we were done with church Trent was much better. Thank goodness for Tender Mercies! He said, "I'm back, baby, I'm back!" That has become our own little "George Castanza" joke. Trent really is back! We are going to play as hard as we can for the next week or so until we have to start it all again. We can't let one moment of feeling good slip by, wasted, when we know there are so many crappy moments to come.
To see the sparkle in Trent's eyes again is like a magic eraser that makes all the difficult times melt away. When he is really sick I can feel myself retreat from him and the situation. I know I shouldn't but it is so hard to watch and it is "safer" for me to act like I am not affected by it. I almost become mechanical. I go into "Nurse" mode and kinda of turn off the "Wife" part. I figure I should be able to fix it all with his drugs-(only for him, not me ;)! ) It is frustrating when it doesn't work like that. So, when the sparkle returns, that is my drug!
The tender mercies in our lives are the things that get us through, small reminders that Heavenly Father IS mindful of me and my wet pillow.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
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I have been thinking about you guys a ton these past few weeks. I wish I was around to see you both and just check in- I miss working there to be able to see you on occasion! I'm glad Trent is feeling better-hopefully you can have an enjoyable break between treatment. You guys are amazing. Hang in there, I know Heavenly Father is so mindful of you and your family, what a blessing it is to feel and know that. Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.
ReplyDeleteStephanie
Oh sweetie....it really is those tender mercies that will bring you through this trial. It's so easy to get discouraged, but Heavenly Father loves you, and Trent, and will never, ever leave you alone. It's those tender mercies that are there to remind us of that. They are sometimes hard to see, but you just have to stay faithful and have faith, and trust in the Lord. I think of you often...
ReplyDeleteStephanie (#2) :)
bawling. hope you guys have a great week - seriously. and you mean to tell me you haven't been sneaking trent's drugs already???? whatev.. ;)
ReplyDeleteWe love you guys! We are missing you, thinking about you, and praying for you! Can't wait to see you in September.
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