Part 2...

Shortly after Brad and I met face to face, my children and I went on a weekend trip with Trent's family. Emotionally that was one of the hardest things I had done up to that point.  Seeing his brothers with similar physical characteristics or mannerisms, being in that comfortable familial atmosphere without Trent, and trying to act like we were okay was just too much for me to handle.  I could feel myself beginning to spiral out of control and all I could think was that I needed to talk to Brad.  I found myself on the phone with him, pacing the halls of the hotel like a caged animal, struggling to keep in the sobs but not succeeding in the least. Brad did his best to calm me down and even offered to drive to the hotel to help me.  Eventually I curled up into a ball in the far end of the hall and listened as Brad reassured me that although life stunk at that point, somehow it would get better.  We talked about the things we missed about our spouses, about married life, and the parts of us that would never be whole again.  I told him one thing I missed the most was having a "safe place to land".  In the middle of one of my crying fits I asked him if he was going to be my "safe place" and he said yes.  I remember feeling the most calming, peaceful feeling at that moment.  It wasn't that I knew I would marry him or anything, just that I really needed a friend that I could trust with anything and I knew that was Brad.

As our phone conversations increased in frequency and duration we got to know each other so well.  We could finish each other's sentences and often knew what the other was thinking without saying a word.  We found that we had so much in common, in fact, there were so many "connections" between us that it was a little creepy sometimes.  It started to look like our paths were bound to cross one way or another and that our friendship was meant to be. I began looking forward to our talks and hoping each time I got a text that it was him. When something funny or exciting happened the first person I thought to share it with was Brad.  It was so nice to have someone to share things with but I was still totally fine with remaining friends and never getting married again.

Over time I began to sense that Brad's feelings were changing but was very hesitant to admit that mine might be too.  It was still too early!  How could I even think about someone else when I love Trent so much?  I felt like it would be such a betrayal to Trent if I began dating before the one year mark.  I wondered if I could even trust my feelings or if I was so hurt and lonely that I was grasping at the hope of companionship before I was ready.

Near the end of January we went on our first date.  It was fun and we enjoyed each other's company but it was a little awkward for both of us.  I hadn't dated anyone besides Trent in over 18 years!  I understood in my head that it was a date and it was okay but in my heart it felt like I shouldn't be out with anyone besides Trent.  The next time we went out we took all of our kids and went tubing in Park City.  It was so fun and all the kids seemed to get along great.  About this time I began praying that I wouldn't hurt Brad.  I just couldn't see that I could let anything happen with him but it seemed like something already had.  I was nervous and unsure but decided to proceed until I got a "stop" answer, instead of stop until I got a "go" answer.  So, with that in mind, we continued to date as much as two single parents can, which was not very much.  I tease him now that somehow he got me to marry him after taking me on only three dates.  Pretty impressive!

After Brad and I had been together a couple of times I took the kids out for ice cream for FHE.  We drove to the parking lot of the temple and ate.  I told them that I loved their Dad more than anything in the entire world and that nothing would ever change that.  We were sealed for eternity and our family was going to be together forever.  Then I told them that I was going to start dating Brad.  It was completely silent as I stared at four shocked faces and one that was still happily eating his ice cream cone.  I told them that I needed them to let me know how they were feeling and if they ever felt uncomfortable with anything they needed to tell me.  Megan and Zach kind of fumbled around saying that if it made me happy they were okay with it.  Jarom wanted to know if dating meant I was getting married and Mallory was reeling.  In the months afterward she made sure to let me know several times that she was "uncomfortable with this".

I was so torn between my happiness and putting the kids in a situation that would be difficult for them to understand and accept.  I always felt good when I was with Brad but often feelings of doubt and uncertainty would creep in when we were apart.  In February I went to St. George with Brad for the weekend.  While we were there we attended a session at the St. George Temple.  As we sat in the Celestial room the feeling that came over me was absolutely undeniable.  It was so warm and peaceful and felt so good that I wanted to stay there forever and soak it all up.  It was wonderful to feel good again!  It was then that I understood that Trent and Linda (Brad's wife) were working really hard to put our two families together.  I knew I needed to trust in the Lord and His plan even if I didn't understand why or how it would all work out.

Brad and I in St. George on Dixie Rock