A Little Backstory...Part 1

I realize my last post was a big surprise for many so I will give a little backstory...

After Trent passed away last summer I was completely lost.  I felt like my world had shattered into a million pieces and I had no idea what piece to try to pick up first.  I knew I could live through it because people do it all the time but I wanted an instruction list.  You know, do this first and when that is done move on to step two, etc.  About three weeks later I received a message on Facebook from someone I did not know.  She had heard of Trent's passing on an internet news site.  A story had been printed because he had served as a Providence City Councilman and it referenced this blog.  She then went back and read my entire blog.  She explained to me that she had a neighbor, Brad, who had lost his spouse the year before and much of what she read on my blog was what she had heard him say.  She thought that maybe we could help each other.  I emailed him and asked him how to even begin coping with my new reality.  He responded with a very sincere and sympathetic email and told me that if I ever needed to talk I could call him as that would be easier than typing.  I immediately told him that I did not want that kind of contact and I was not ready to do talk to anyone and that he didn't need to contact me anymore.  Kind of a knee-jerk reaction, I know.

One of the struggles I was dealing with at that point was the nagging feeling that I would get remarried. The thought made my stomach turn!  I was sure I loved Trent enough that I didn't need anyone else and to even think of it felt like such a betrayal!  But the thought persisted and made me feel miserable.  I even spoke to Angelique, the social worker from the Hunstman, about it.  She gave me some really great advice and said, "Holly, you can't worry about that right now...take it off your plate completely."  That helped and I think I was able to do that.

To be completely honest, the reason I did not want to correspond with Brad was because when I read his email I had the feeling that there was potential for a relationship with him and it scared me to death!  I wanted nothing to do with him at all.  About one month later I got another email from Brad asking if I was okay and how I was dealing with everything.  I didn't respond and didn't plan to.  However, that weekend I took the kids on our Fall Break outing to Thanksgiving Point.  We had a great time playing all day and then I would spend every night bawling in my bed.  Brad's name kept popping into my head and I knew I needed to talk to him.  When we got home I texted Brad and asked if he had a minute to talk to me.  I got the kids in bed and then I called him.  I remember saying 'hello' and then breaking down and sobbing.  When he spoke I could hear the compassion and concern in his voice.  He was very kind and completely understanding of what I was going through.  We spoke, well he spoke and I mostly cried, for a couple of hours that night.  He later told me that speaking to me brought him right back to the pain he experienced and he had a bit of a meltdown the next day.

After that initial phone call we spoke about once a week and it was such great therapy for both of us.  We were able to share very personal things about our loss that are not easy to share with anyone who has not 'been there'.  We were both very vulnerable and built a relationship of trust because of the feelings we shared.  I knew it was safe for me to talk to Brad because at the time he was seeing someone else and I was totally not interested in dating anyone, ever, so it wouldn't ever be an issue.   Gradually I stopped crying the entire time that we spoke and was able to let some of my personality show through.  It felt good to laugh and joke with someone even if it was in between crying fits.  Eventually our conversations became less about our loss and more about getting to know each other as individuals, not widow/widowers.  We found that we could talk for hours and not run out of things to say.  We began speaking a few times each week for 3-4 hours at a time.  It was very healing for both of us.  We had never met or even seen pictures of each other and it was working well for both of us.  Being 'faceless' was kind of nice because I think it was easier to be vulnerable with each other.

I still ached for Trent every minute of every day but I was beginning to see that my life had to go on and be purposeful.  I couldn't just wait out the Second Coming.  I had to live my life with meaning and purpose and find joy again.  I knew that is what Trent expected of me so I threw myself into creating joy for me and my kids.  That was during the Christmas season and I made sure we were super busy having fun.  I also began to realize that what made me feel better was serving others.  I put together goody baskets for friends and decided to take one to Brad too.  I called him and told him that I had something for his family that I would be bringing by and that if he wanted me to remain 'faceless' he should make sure he wasn't home when I delivered it.  He got brave and decided that we could meet face to face.  I know he was super nervous that after we met face to face we wouldn't be able to speak as freely as we had over the phone.  I was not too nervous about that though.  When I got to his house it was a little weird but we talked for a couple of hours like we were old friends.  It was actually kind of funny to see his face and his expressions as he spoke.  It was comfortable and fun.  I could feel our friendship becoming more and more important to me.  As I said my prayers that night I thanked Heavenly Father for Trent and Brad.