August is Tough!

I have anticipated August being a very hard month and I was not wrong.  It started out with mine and Trent's 18th wedding anniversary on August 3.  I spent the day in Boise floating the river with my family.  It was a ton of fun and I kept thinking how much Trent would have loved doing that.  We floated the river together about 10 years ago and had a great time.  I recognized different parts of the river and could remember seeing Trent laughing and having a great time.  They were nice memories and made me feel happy.  I thought I was doing very well with the day until we were driving home.  I was riding in the passenger seat of Brad's van and stumbled on a funeral program for a family member of his who had died from cancer a few years ago.  He was also a young dad and it just kind of hit me.  Shortly after that Brad was tired so I switched him places so I could drive.  It was late and everyone was asleep.  I silently cried and cried and cried.  It was one of those cries that hurts so badly because I was trying so desperately to keep it all inside so I wouldn't wake anyone up.  I just let the tears fall and fall making big wet spots on my shirt and shorts.  I didn't care at all.  There were too many to try to wipe away anyhow.  I was silently gasping for breath while Brad gently stroked my hand.  It was so comforting but surreal in a way too.  I never in a million years thought I would spend my the rest of my anniversaries with another man.

The one year anniversary of Trent's death is right around the corner.  However, there are so many difficult, horrifying, and heart wrenching dates to mark before that.  For instance, one year ago today we were sent home on hospice.  I remember so many details of that day like it happened yesterday.  I remember all the doctors and nurses filing into our hospital room to tell us how much respect and love they had for Trent.  I remember the looks on their faces as they watched him being wheeled out of the hospital on a gurney headed for the ambulance bay.  I remember Trent blowing me kisses through his pain as we drove over the bumps in the road.  I remember the look of shock and fear as Trent realized that he was going to receive hospice care. I remember the helplessness I felt, knowing he wasn't remembering everything that had happened the day and night before and what his prognosis was.  I remember my tears, the gut-wrenching sobs, the tremendous pain I felt knowing what was to come.  But I also remember the love in Trent's eyes as he looked on each of his kids.  I remember the last time he kissed me and told me how much he loved me.  I remember the peace we felt as I offered a prayer to our Father in Heaven expressing our desires but submitting to His will.

Many of the memories are very difficult.  I have cried myself to sleep for several nights in a row now.  I have good things happening in my life right now but it doesn't erase or take away all the pain I have experienced and still experience.  As the anniversary of Trent's death draws closer I have really pondered what to do on that day. I don't want to always mark anniversaries of awful things that happened to us.  If I did that there would be many more sad days than anyone needs.  I think I will fill the anniversary with things that Trent loved to do and, as a family, find a way to serve someone else.  I need that day to be positive for my kids.  It will always be heartbreaking but I want it to be a day that we really focus on making Trent proud of us and who we are striving to become.

Today Megan and I had the opportunity to support Marc and Aly and many others at an event for Anything For A Friend.  We ran a 5K in honor of Aly's husband Cade, Marc's wife Jan, and of course, Trent.  It was emotional but very healing as well.  We had a great time and attending that event reminded me how much pain there is in this world and how able we are to overcome it as well.  We all have a choice and I choose happiness.

Balloon launch in memory of our loved ones.

At the finish line with Aly and Megan

Me and Marc, chillin'

Me and my besties, Marc and Aly