Ugh

Another week down. Four more to go before the next scan. The past week has been one of the hardest yet. I feel like I am hanging on by the skin of my teeth. In the beginning people would always ask how I was doing. I was incredulous thinking, "Why in the world would you ask me? I am not the one with cancer!" But now I am starting to understand. I have always said that one of us has to be strong all the time and that is my job right now, I can have a mental breakdown later-when Trent is all better. But I can see how I am being worn down by all the emotions and stress that cancer has thrown our way. I recently read a quote that said, "Tears are not a sign of weakness, they are a sign of someone who has been strong for too long." That pretty much sums it up for me this week. I have shed way too many tears and it accomplished nothing. I am attempting to pull myself up by my bootstraps and continue the fight but it is hard when you focus on uncertainty. I have to refocus and keep my thoughts and attitude positive.

That is a tough thing to do when you watch your husband writhe in pain. This week the taxotere has done a real number on Trent. Some of the side effects are muscle spasms, joint pain, and neuropathy. Unfortunately Trent has experienced all of them to the Nth degree. And to top that off, we were running really low on pain meds so we were trying to make them last until the script came in the mail. (Something I may need to discuss with the staff at the Huntsman...) Anyway, there were several times this week when Trent described his pain as a '10' on the pain scale. It was awful and there was not a darn thing I could do to make it stop. When it gets like that it scares me bad and I tend to retreat a little. Plus, a person in pain is not usually the most pleasant person to be around. So I didn't really feel the urge to sit around and stroke his head or anything. I am pretty sure that Trent has no idea what other people are going through because of this. And on the flip side-not many people know what he is going through. He tells people he is doing pretty good and tries to put on a happy face but I see it day to day and it is not pretty. It makes me mad that other peoples lives get to go on normal and we have to stare cancer in the face every single day. Oh how I wish I could see to the end of the tunnel and know what lies ahead. It would make this whole trial a lot easier to handle. But again, that is part of the test. Stepping off into the dark and having the faith to be led through.

So as a new week begins I am doubling up my efforts to be Christlike, patient, and long-suffering. I know there are many other people who have to deal with things much worse than I do. With the help of the Lord, this too shall pass.

Quick Update

We did the second dose of chemo for Round 5 yesterday.  All is well except that Trent has been surviving on almost no blood!  No wonder he passed out at the game.  So we go back today for two units of blood and another very long afternoon in the infusion chair.  Thankfully they can put the blood in through his port so he doesn't have to get stuck in the arm one, or six, or seven times! 

Here We Go Again!

This past week was pretty tough.  This round of chemo is taking a toll on Trent.  It has hit him in a way that he has not yet experienced.  He had been feeling so good recently, so when the new meds knocked him around a bit it kind of shook us both.  It is scary to watch him go so low and try to come back from it. 

By Saturday he still was not great but was determined to make it to a RSL game this season. So he and his friend Nate made the trek to SLC to watch a game.  I was pretty nervous and gave Nate instructions on how to take care of him and what to watch for.  Turns out, Trent passed out at the stadium and attracted the attention of the medical personnel who I thought were very poorly equipped.  They didn't even have a wheelchair to offer him.  They just asked if he was okay and offered a stretcher.  Impressive, real impressive.

It has been pretty emotional around here.  Just when I think I am over all the tears something happens and they spring up again. I also felt like everybody took the last post as defeat.  I felt like people were calling and stopping by to make sure the saw Trent before he died.  Like people were looking at us thinking what a tragedy was happening to our family.  I even had one woman ask me how long they had given Trent to live!  Really?!  Just to set the record straight---WE DO NOT GIVE UP!!!!!  The news was not great and it threw us for a loop but we got back up and we continue the fight, stronger and more determined than before.  We appreciate the continued prayers and support, we honestly could not make it without all the extra strength being prayed our way. 

So tomorrow we go at it again, for the second dose of chemo for Round 5.  We expect it will be even harder than last week because he will be getting two drugs instead of one.  Hopefully he will have just one hard week and then one that is pretty good before he starts Round 6.  Wish us Luck!

Latest News

The news was not good. We were really disappointed to find that the spots on Trents lungs have still been growing. There are a few that showed some decrease but the big scary ones are even bigger and scarier. They are too big to operate on or radiate. So they have changed the chemotherapy to outpatient and we will go at it for two more rounds then have another scan. These are secondary chemotherapy drugs which means that they have not been used enough to determine how successful they are. Ugly, so ugly.

We were super nervous going in and both took the news like champs. It wasn't until after we left the office that we had our melt downs. We had some time to kill between the office visit and the infusion so we went to the Visitor's Center on Temple Square to the Christus. That's where I lost it. Trent was mad and I was bawling. As we sat there they kept bringing up tour groups and playing the recording. One line kept sticking out to me. "Let not thy heart be troubled. Do you believe in God?" I had to sit and soak it up for a minute. That is going to be my new mantra. I have to remember that we are in the Lord's hands and He can take our troubles away and calm our hearts.

During the infusion Trent was really emotional. Seeing him hurt made me a wreck. I sat there with tears streaming down my face as I tried to do my work on the computer. I am sure I have a ton of typos that I did not see through my tears! My head is in a million places right now but I am working on getting back on top of things. It kind of knocks you back a bit and it is part of our test to see if we will get back up. Rasmussens ALWAYS GET BACK UP!!!!!

We had quite an exhausting day riding on that emotional rollercoaster that we have come to know so well. I hate that Trent has had to suffer so much and that this all happened to him. All I can do is try to support him and pray like I have never prayed before. It seems like such a small offering but my faith is still strong and I am doing all I can to make it stronger.

While the news was not great, it does not lessen our determination to see this through and obtain the result we want. Our road is just going to be a lot harder and longer than we had hoped.

Getting Better

The past week has gotten steadily better. Trent feels pretty good and is back to his normal self in many ways. We were even able to make the trip to Rexburg to see his family for a day. The car ride was pretty good though he was exhausted by the time we got there. We had a great time with his family and even fit in a visit to the Rexburg Temple. By the time we got home he was wiped out but feeling really good about the visit.

Monday we took some family pictures. It was hard, emotionally, but I hope they turn out good. At one point I was having each kid take a picture with only Trent. I let my mind wander just a bit and that was a bad thing. So then the tears started. I am sure in all the rest of the pictures I had red eyes. Oh well, it happens.

We are getting ready for the scan on Monday. We still feel really positive about what we will hear but there is still a fear that creeps in every once in a while. Trent really is doing amazing. I can't imagine he would be doing so well if the cancer was spreading but I am just really anxious to have our hopes confirmed. So, keep the prayers going up...we really need them now!