Part Three...Back to Brad

It kind of seems like our courtship was backwards.  Very early on in our relationship Brad and I discussed marriage.  We were both nervous about it and the changes and difficulties marriage would bring but we could not deny the feeling that it was right.  There were so many small answers that kept confirming over and over that we were headed in the right direction and we just needed to have the faith to keep moving.  Yet even with that goal in mind, we dated in secret.  We didn't sneak around or anything, we just chose to keep the relationship under wraps for a very long time.  I was not emotionally ready to deal with everyone else's reactions and opinions.  For those same reasons Brad asked me not to write about him on the blog until now.

I needed to sit my kids down and let them know what was going on.  I wanted to make sure that they knew and were as comfortable as they could be with the situation.  I gathered them all in my room and immediately I began to cry.  I told them that it was very likely that I would marry Brad.  My announcement was met with silence.  I think that not one of them knew what to say.  Mallory started to cry and Jarom wouldn't look at me.  Megan and Zach said they were fine with it but I could see in their body language that they were struggling a bit.  Watching my children in that painful situation made me want to run away from everything and just keep them safe from every emotion that might be difficult for them.  However, every time I had that feeling it was instantly replaced with a calm, peace that confirmed to me that Brad was the right person for me.  I can honestly say that I am as sure about Brad as I ever was about Trent.

Part of the reason that Brad and I fit so well together is that we have both experienced a tremendous loss. In June of 2011 Brad's wife, Linda, passed away from an amniotic embolism while pregnant with their fourth child.  Linda collapsed in their home and was given CPR until the baby was delivered by emergency C-section in the ER.  Immediately after her birth, Charlie began having seizures.  Both Linda and Charlie were life-flighted to a hospital in Salt Lake City.  About ten hours later Linda passed away.  Brad was told that Charlie would likely not survive either.  He actually waited 10 days to have Linda's services thinking that he might be burying his daughter as well.  Charlie was kept in the NICU for the next seven weeks while doctors did everything they could for her.  Brad was told several times that if Charlie lived she would likely be in a vegetative state and would have no cognitive abilities.  Her CT scans showed extensive brain damage from the lack of oxygen during her traumatic birth.  When Charlie was almost two months old Brad brought her home from the hospital with a feeding tube in her stomach because she could not swallow without aspirating.  Six months later the tube was finally removed.  Miraculously today Charlie is a happy, healthy two year old with no visible signs of delay in any area.  I think she has her own guardian angel watching over her every minute of every day.  Brad also has three other adorable kids that have their own guardian angel as well: Carter, Ryen, and Jack.

During the first months following Linda's death, Brad had so much on his plate that his grieving was pushed aside.  So when we started talking on the phone it was as if we were in a similar stage of grief.  He was still a little ahead of me but we found that talking to each other was very helpful.  We cried a lot!  He challenged me on things that I thought were perfectly normal and fine in my grief and helped me realize that they were stages that I would pass through and not the end result.  For instance, I wanted the Second Coming to happen so quickly that I was perfectly willing to live the rest of my life for my kids, experiencing their joy but not my own.  Then I thought that the Second Coming would happen in 3-5 years and I didn't want to see any of the milestones in my children's lives.  I was sure I would be reunited with Trent by then. Brad helped me see that while I could still hope for the Second Coming to be soon, I couldn't stop my whole life and wait for it.

During all the hundreds of hours that we spoke on the phone we talked a lot about our spouses and what amazing people they are.  I feel like I got to know Linda and what kind of person she was.  She lived for her kids, she was witty and fun and sarcastic.  She is an amazing artist and very smart.  She worked hard to give her family a good life and deserved to get to stay here and raise her beautiful kids.  I feel that if Trent and I had known Brad and Linda we would have been great friends.  In fact, I think that Trent and Linda are having a great time watching what they brought together.

One of the hardest things I have ever done was to tell Trent's mom that I was dating Brad and that it would eventually lead to marriage.  On Easter Sunday I slipped away from the festivities and called her.  We chatted for a little bit about the kids and the holiday.  We talked about Trent and how much we missed him. I then explained to her that I thought he was working extra hard on other side make sure I was happy.  I had told her about Brad before, but at the time he was just a guy that was really easy to talk to and was helping me work through my grief.  This time I told her how our relationship had developed and what I felt was imminent.  I had been so nervous to tell anyone in Trent's family because I knew the news would bring mixed feelings and I didn't want to hurt them.  His mom was amazing though.  Her reaction was a million times better than I had hoped for.  She was so loving and supportive.  Of course there were tears, but she told me she had a feeling it would come to this with Brad after I talked to her about him the first time.  She said that even when I was adamantly stating that I would never marry again, she knew differently.  I thanked her for humoring me in my grief laden rants.  She wished me as much happiness as I could have and made me promise to keep her in the loop with all the details.  She also told me that she was excited to meet Brad and his kids and to love them too.

I then had to tell Trent's dad.  He and I don't always see eye to eye and our relationship has been somewhat strained.  But I was surprised to hear him tell me that he had thought all along that I would be married within a year.  Truthfully, that comment kind of stung.  Yes, he was right, but it made me feel weird.  It was still very hard for me to admit what was happening and my heart was all in a twist trying to sort out my feelings for Brad and how that would all fit with my eternal marriage to Trent.  I eventually came to realize that the time frame for remarriage has absolutely nothing to do with how much I love Trent.  I have actually heard people say, "She must not have loved her husband very much if she is already remarried."  My first reaction is to be horrified by that comment but it is just another thing I have to chalk up to lack of understanding.  Unless you have walked this walk you have no idea what it is like.

I told Trent's mom and dad that they were free to tell his siblings so I didn't have to do it.  I knew that they would be gracious to my face but assumed that there would be some hurt feelings behind closed doors.  I can truthfully say they were all VERY gracious to me and to Brad.  I know it is difficult for them to watch us be unhappy and miss Trent, but I think it is also hard to watch us carry on.  They have all made every effort to be supportive and loving to both me and Brad and I have been so humbled by their grace.  My siblings had much the same reaction.  They were very surprised but supportive.  I was very grateful for their reactions and well wishes.  I am so blessed to have such a wonderful family!