Opportunities...

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to attend a fireside given by Chris Williams and his wife Mykell. They were both speakers at the Widow/Widower Conference I attended in the spring.  I knew how touched I had been by their message then so I invited all my widow friends to join me at the fireside.  As we were sitting in the chapel waiting for the meeting to start, Chris Williams waved hello to me with his eyebrows! Hahaha!  I smiled back thinking he was pretty friendly.  After the meeting I went up to introduce myself and thank him for his message.  He said he remembered me from the meeting in the spring.  I was a little surprised because I didn't talk to him at that meeting.  We ended up talking for a long time and I was picking his brain a bit about grief, remarriage, and his real feelings.  I wanted to know that even though he has such an amazing attitude that he still has bad days and moments of despair.  It is not that I wish that for him, just that I wanted to know that I am normal. I really try very hard to be positive and recognize my blessings but I still have moments that I just want to scream and make everything go back to the way it was before Trent was sick.  While we were speaking Chris told me that he tries to look at it as an opportunity for a blessing he didn't want.  I just stared at him.  My mind was swirling with a million "yeah but"s although the only thing I said was, "I am going to have to chew on that one for a while."  He hugged me goodbye and I left, with a big mouthful of fat to chew.

I didn't want this "blessing".  I was just fine counting all the wonderful blessings I had before our lives were turned upside down by cancer.  I was just fine watching my children play and interact with their dad and having our cute little family intact...physically.  I was just fine having the love of my life by my side making me laugh and filling every corner of my heart to overflowing.

Almost three years ago I sat in front of the statue of Jesus Christ in the visitor center on Temple Square, bawling my eyes out after we had learned that despite much fasting and prayer, Trent's cancer was advancing rapidly.  Trent was mad and I was an absolute mess.  I had my head buried in my hands, sobbing, while I listened to the narrative over and over.  At that moment the spirit whispered to my heart, "Do you believe in God?"  I knew the answer was yes.  Over the last few years I have relied heavily on my belief in God.  I have come to know many things more deeply than I ever knew them before.  I have learned of Heavenly Father's love for each of His children, how involved He is in our lives, how ready He is to comfort and love us and make His presence known.   Now, three years later, I can say with more surety than ever before, I believe in God.  I know He knows and loves me personally. I know that His plan is far better than mine.  I know that He will someday show me how all of the trials of this life work together to make me grow and ultimately help me gain the greatest reward.

The other day I was talking to Megan and she made the comment that although it was really difficult to watch her dad suffer as much as he did, she felt like our experience has made us all grow so much more than if he was taken quickly.  There were so many times that we pulled our little family together and explained the latest bit of bad news and asked for their faith and prayers in behalf of their daddy.  We were all scared but chose to place our faith and trust in God and let Him handle things.  It didn't turn out like we wanted but I know that God is still handling things for my family.   I have had to watch my children struggle and hurt and miss their daddy.  Yet I have also watched them grow and become closer to their Heavenly Father.  My testimony has grown exponentially as well.  I guess that is an opportunity for a blessing I did want.